Heart and Soul with Dr. Thema

Overcoming Avoidance

2011-10-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

Everyone avoids something or someone at some point in their lives. There are however those who find themselves perpetually avoiding issues. You may avoid it because you don’t know how to handle the situation or because you fear the outcome of confronting the situation. Avoidance can feel like the easier path to take but it often ends up creating its own consequences. Some of the consequences of avoidance can be:• Keeping your life on pause by not facing the truth• Living with the anxiety that at any moment the truth will come out• Feeling as if you are living a lie• Having to constantly suppress your feelings• Doubting yourself• Maintaining superficial relationships• Staying in a miserable situation longer than you need to• Allowing the problem to get bigger Even though it is difficult, there comes a time when you need to face issues. Here are some tips for overcoming avoidance.1. Imagine the outcome. Think about the potential outcomes or responses that could occur if you face the issue. Once you consider the possibilities, think about how you would handle each case. Choose preparation over procrastination.2. Consider the cost. Remember the times in your life when avoidance cost you something valuable – your time, your self-respect, your job, your credit, a relationship, or your peace of mind. When avoidance has been your general approach, you can definitely think of times when you wish you had faced things sooner. Make a decision to break the pattern of avoidance.3. Nurture yourself. Avoidance stresses you out. Commit to taking care of yourself instead of simply suffering in silence. Do the things that renew your spirit, mind, heart, and body. You may want to consider prayer, meditation, journaling, exercise, reading self-help books, and/or going to a spa. When you are able to approach the issue from a restored place, you will be stronger and wiser.4. Seek support. When we keep things inside, they often start to feel larger than life. They may seem unmanageable because you are trying to carry them alone. Talk the issue through with someone you trust. It may be a family member, a friend, a minister, or a therapist. The key is not to face it alone.5. Get out of the box. We often put ourselves in the box of negative thinking by claiming that dysfunctional things are a permanent part of who we are. That is not true. Instead of constantly claiming that you can’t do it, start to shift your thinking to say I will do it. To be realistic this is of course easier said than done, but don’t surrender. Be patient with yourself. The first few times you try to address the issue, the words may not come, you may feel overwhelmed with emotion, or the person may misunderstand your point. Take time to learn from what happened and develop the support and skills you need to try it again, either in another way or with a different person. Sometimes people don’t respond well to you naming the issue because they want you to remain silent. Do not make your decision to address the issue solely based on if you think others will like what you have to say. Reclaim your life by reclaiming your voice.

Fighting for your Fitness

2011-09-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

At some point we make commitments to exercise. Often these commitments are short-lived. It is important that we consider the ways regular exercise influence our overall well-being. People who engage in regular exercise report a high sense of satisfaction, self-esteem, self-efficacy, positive body image, confidence, positive coping, and overall health. Lack of exercise is associated with low energy, negative body image, low self-esteem, distress, negative subjective and objective measures of physical health, and depression. The issue is not whether we know exercise is good for us. The issue is the mental block that keeps us from exercise. Let’s bust now the biggest mental issues that are blocking your road to fitness. Roadblock #1 – The gym is too expensive. You don’t have to belong to a gym to exercise. You can do DVDs, fitness television shows, or simply go to a park. There are many things that cost money but exercise does not have to be one of them. In addition to free work-outs many gyms are offering specials due to declining enrollments as a result of the recession. Roadblock #2 – I don’t enjoy it. You may not have found the type of exercise that you like but you should keep looking. Some people love cycling, others love basketball, and still others like dancing. Just because you haven’t found your joyful exercise yet doesn’t mean you should give up. Not every work-out is for every person. Ask different people what they do and then make it a point to try different activities. Roadblock #3 – The gym is a meat market. There are gyms that are focused on socializing and meeting people. First of all remember you don’t have to go to a gym and the second thing is not every gym is the same. Most gyms will let you come for a trial period so you can go and see the type of environment they have. There are gyms, sometimes depending on the time when you go, where the people are focused on their fitness not on finding Mr. Right or Ms. Right. If the social scene is hindering your commitment, simply exercise at home or take a walk or run in the park. Don’t let the place stop your progress. Roadblock #4 – I don’t see any results. Exercise requires commitment over time. We are sometimes drawn into these false advertisements of people who do whatever they want and their bodies magically get fit. Each of our bodies are different so it may take a while before you see results but keep at it. Additionally you may need to try a different form of exercise if you have been doing one thing for a while and truly don’t feel or see a change. It is important to set small goals so you can see your progress instead of waiting to celebrate when you have a total make-over. Roadblock #5 – I’m just not one of those types of people. We have to stop defining ourselves in the negative. It is a form of self-sabotage. Watch the words you use to talk about yourself. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Speak life over yourself and about yourself. You are someone who cares about being healthy and strong. You are able to take better care of your temple. You have what it takes to be disciplined and motivated. Choose positive self-talk over negative self-talk. Roadblock #6 – I’m too busy. We make the time for things that are important to us. When we sacrifice our health for everything else we can end up professionally successful but with bodies that are literally falling apart – this makes it difficult to enjoy your success. Your body is a temple that deserves care and protecting time and energy to invest in you is important. What is more important than your health? Roadblock #7 – It’s just hard to stay motivated. Here are some pointers to help you get motivated and stay motivated: • Set realistic goals for yourself. Setting the bar to high is a guaranteed pathway to self-sabotage, failure, and surrender. Set fitness goals that you can attain. • Make friends who are also fighting for their fitness. If you are the only person you know who values your new priorities it will be hard to keep them. • Share with someone else your fitness goals. Speaking them aloud increases accountability. • Don’t allow a set-back to turn into surrender. We all have changes in our motivation. If you fall off-track don’t use it as an excuse to give up completely. Get back up again. • Focus on the positive. Instead of thinking about how hard it is to work-out, focus on all the benefits you will gain from being strong and healthy. Fitness, health, and well-being take effort. You are worth it so make a commitment to invest in you today.

Putting a Stop to Stalkers

2011-07-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

Has someone or a group of people been giving you unwanted obsessive attention? Stalking is persistent harassment that can include phone calls, emails, coming to your home or place of business, or following you throughout the day. Stalkers can be strangers or persons known to you such as former dating partners. Stalkers can make your life very difficult and at times can pose a danger to your life. Whether the person stalking you is using the internet or personal contact, it is important for you to take it seriously. Here are some key strategies to help you reclaim your safety and privacy.

1. Communicate clearly that you would like the contact to stop and that a relationship is not wanted now or in the future. Say this without apology and without high emotion. Do not try to let the person down easy by offering explanations. This may be interpreted as a mixed message or as interest on your part.
2. Keep a record of all communication made by the stalker. Take pictures of any damage done by the stalker.
3. Do not ignore any threats. Contact the police and consider obtaining an order of protection. File police reports for any illegal behavior perpetrated by the stalker.
4. Limit the circulation of your personal contact information by having these details removed from all public records. Use a business contact or Post Office Box for correspondence instead. Use an un-listed phone number.
5. If you have children, communicate clearly to them a safety plan and make sure their school has the appropriate information regarding who has permission to interact with your child.
6. Use dead bolt locks and if you lose your keys change your locks immediately.
7. Park and walk in well-lit areas. Be sure to carry a charged cell phone with you.
8. Inform friends, co-workers, and security persons at your business and residence so they can be mindful of the safety concerns. Have a good support system that you can trust and be sure to let them know where you are going and when you should return. This will make sure the right people are aware as soon as possible if you are in danger.
9. Do not argue with, negotiate with, or engage in discussion with the stalker. This engagement simply rewards the stalker and encourages them to continue making contact. Do not respond to instant messages, texts, or other communication.
10. Vary your routine. If you always use the same route or you tweet your location throughout the day, you are much more vulnerable to stalkers. There is more safety in adding variety to your day.

It is important for you to not to isolate yourself. You don’t have to handle it alone. There is strength and safety and letting trusted people know that you are harassed so they can help you with emotional and physical support. Remember harassment is not acceptable or excusable. Your safety and peace of mind deserve to be protected.

Sleep Solutions

2011-07-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

Many people have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep. If you are not getting enough sleep you may end up facing physical, psychological, and social consequences. It may be difficult to focus and concentrate during the day. It is hard to truly apply yourself when you are drained from lack of rest. Here are a number of strategies that may help you improve your sleep:

1. Prepare for bed with calming activity not stimulating activity. Watching television, playing video games, and having an emotionally intense argument are not activities that lead to a good night’s sleep. Try reading, taking a warm bath, drinking caffeine-free tea, or listening to calming music before going to bed instead.

2. Avoid caffeine and nicotine before bed. Taking in caffeine right before bed is really self sabotage and sends your body a very confusing message. Additionally while alcohol may help you fall asleep it disrupts the quality of your sleep and should also not be your sleep solution.

3. Deep breathing. We often spend our days with very shallow breathing. This type of breathing holds stress in the body. When you lay down to sleep, slow down your breathing and take nice, deep cleansing breaths to send your body the message that you can relax.

4. Progressive muscle relaxation. As you lay down, take time to intentionally relax each muscle in your body. When you are so stressed about trying to sleep you end up holding tension in your back, neck, or face, it will be even more difficult to sleep. Go through each area of your body and relax your muscles.

5. Move clocks out of view. It creates more stress if you spend the night watching the time pass. Turn the clocks away from your bed to reduce the pressure.

6. Do not nap and do not sleep in. If you keep taking naps during the day you will continue to have difficulty sleeping on a regular schedule. You are creating a pattern that communicates to your body when it should sleep.

7. Try to limit the noise, heat, and light in your room. Television, uncomfortable temperatures, and music can be stimulating and take your energy and focus away from relaxing. Additionally if the room is bright you may find yourself looking around the room and focusing on things around you instead of allowing yourself to unwind.

8. Address your stress during the day. Often those who suffer from sleep problems, have a lot of worry and anxiety. Work to actively solve the problems that are creating stress for you. Also learn to let go of the things that are beyond your control. By finding ways to handle your stress during the day, you will be less stressed at night.

9. Work out during the day. Exercising right before bedtime can actually make insomnia worse. You may feel more energized and instead of relaxing your body may be charged up for more activity.

10. Reduce time you spend in the bed when awake. If you journal in bed, read in bed, and watch TV in bed, your bed is associated more with activity than rest. If you cannot sleep you should get out of bed to do activities instead of remaining in bed.

11. If you continue to have difficulty falling or staying asleep, you should seek professional help. Whether your sleep challenges are more medical or psychological, there is help available.

12. Adopt positive thinking. If you embrace the idea that your situation is hopeless, you will contribute to your sleep challenges. There is hope. Your sleep may not become identical to others but you can get a higher quality of sleep.

Surviving Social Anxiety

2011-05-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

Many people become anxious when they have to be around others. Your anxiety can range from mild shyness or nervousness to severe panic that makes it difficult if not impossible to go out in public. Social Anxiety Disorder is defined as an intense fear of particular social situations, such as new situations in which you fear you will be evaluated or judged by others. Thinking about going to these places can increase your anxiety before you even arrive or you may work very hard to avoid the situation at all costs. Social anxiety is often based in a feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, shame, and embarrassment. While everyone experiences some level of rejection, social anxiety has an irrational aspect to it. Even when people are not looking at you, judging you, or evaluating you, you feel that they are centering their attention on you. It is important to understand the anxiety so it doesn’t stop you from living a full life.

You may experience social anxiety in the following types of situations:
• Public speaking
• Going on a date
• Making small talk
• Attending a party
• Talking to people you feel are more important than you
• Eating in public
• Being criticized
• Going to a new place

The following are some symptoms of social anxiety
• Feeling nervous or worried
• Fearing that people will reject you
• Overly self-conscious
• Avoiding new situations and people
• Upset stomach
• Shaky voice
• Trembling
• Dry mouth
• Feeling faint
• Sweating

Your life has purpose and fear can delay you from walking in your purpose. We try not to let our worries win and instead to find ways to manage or conquer our anxieties. Social Anxiety can become a major barrier to your happiness, peace of mind, job security, educational dreams, and relationship success. Here are a few strategies to help you handle social anxiety.
1. Deep breathing. When we feel nervous we sometimes hold our breath or start breathing in a very shallow way. When your body is not getting enough air it intensifies the feeling of anxiety. It is important before, during, and after social situations that you remind yourself to take long, deep cleansing breaths. As you slow down your breathing, you will learn to calm yourself so you can see the situation more clearly.
2. Self-acceptance. Often we are afraid of what others will think of us because we feel we are unworthy of respect, love, or acceptance. It is important to work on appreciating yourself so you will not be so dependent on the feedback and opinions of others.
3. Peaceful Partners. Watch the company you keep. If you surround yourself with competitive and/or materialistic people, you will feel more pressure to be “on”. Try to spend time going out with people who are down to earth and who accept you for who you are. In this way you will feel less pressure to be something you are not.
4. Self-care. If you don’t get enough sleep or if you fill yourself with caffeine, alcohol, and sugar you will end up adding to your anxiety and stress level. Nurture yourself with good rest and good food so you can meet the day from a place of calm.
5. Spiritual Practice. Spiritual activity can be an important part of calming your anxiety. You may find relief through the daily practice of meditation, prayer, inspirational music, and affirming readings.
6. Patience is a Virtue. When you are too hard on yourself by setting unrealistic goals, you increase your anxiety. If you feel your voice shaking or feel yourself sweating, remind yourself it’s ok. You can outlast the anxiety but you have to be patient with yourself.

Increasing Your Happiness

2011-04-26T21:41:00.001-07:00

Happiness includes a combination of how we think about our current lives and how much positive emotion (love, joy, awe, etc.) we experience. There are times in our lives when we may not be depressed but we’re still not truly happy. These are the times when we are just going through the motions. Life is passing us by and while we are not miserable we cannot honestly say we have joy. Although part of your happiness can be attributed to your genes and another portion of your happiness is shaped by your life circumstances, there is yet another aspect of your happiness that is actually within your control. While psychologists have often studies the issues that contribute to our distress, there are some psychologists, such as community psychologists and positive psychologists, who study the factors that add to our happiness and well-being. For those who are feeling stuck, uninspired, or simply bored with life, below you will find some strategies that you can use to increase your happiness. (If you are however experiencing clinical depression, this list may fall short of the support that you need. I encourage you to seek out professional assistance. You don’t have to deal with the depression alone.)

1. Get real with yourself. You will only work to increase your happiness if you realize you need to make it a priority. Go the following link to do a free self-assessment of your current level of positive versus negative emotions: http://www.positivityratio.com/single.php

2. Pleasure Principle: Find time to do the things that you enjoy. Nurture yourself. Self-care is very important. Take a warm bath, eat good, healthy food, and make time for your favorite hobbies. It is not a mystery or a secret. If you do the things you enjoy you will have more joy.

3. Love Connection: To increase your happiness, you should build more positive relationships. Decrease time with drama-filled negative people and develop friendships with those who inspire more joy and laughter in your life. These may be romantic relationships, platonic friendships, or positive family members.

4. The Gift of Goals: A sense of accomplishment can also increase our sense of happiness. It is important however to set attainable goals and to divide up large goals into smaller parts. At times we set ourselves up for failure by setting goals that require perfection. This can result in us never appreciating all of the good work we have done. Attainable goals can motivate us, inspire us, and result in greater happiness.

5. Feed the Spirit: Spirituality, religion, and faith can be major contributors to our happiness. Faith can help you to look beyond current set-backs and still see the awe, beauty, possibility, and miracles around you and in you. Feed your faith by doing those practices that feed your spirit.

6. Mind over Matter: Remember that much of your happiness comes from how you choose to think about things. Initially it is work to learn to be more optimistic, positive, and hopeful but over time it can become more of a habit. Encourage yourself to try to see the opportunity, to see the good, to see the growth instead of immediately focusing on the negative. When you catch yourself being focused on the negative make a decision and a commitment to shift your focus.

7. See the Big Picture: One of the wonderful ways to increase your happiness can be to bring happiness to others. Being of service to a higher purpose and a mission that benefits others can truly lift your spirit. Commit to a cause that is larger than you. It may be feeding the hungry, walking for breast cancer, volunteering at the public library, giving donations to a battered women’s shelter, or participating in a service/mission trip overseas. There is joy in giving. You can increase your happiness by striving to make a difference in the world around you.

If you are feeling stuck, know that you don’t have to stay in that emotional place. You can make choices to think and act in ways that increase your happiness. Whatever you do, don’t surrender to a joyless life. Take steps to get back on the path that makes your heart sing.

Comfortable Chains: A Call for Rihanna and Other Black Women to Break Out

2011-04-12T21:34:00.000-07:00

As a psychologist and a Black woman, I acknowledge the commonly held perception that to be a Black woman means we have to be super strong, invincible, and without feelings. In essence, this perception robs us of our humanity.

Social scientists have developed the term the Strong Black Woman Syndrome which refers to Black women who feel the need to handle everything alone without ever showing any sign of need or vulnerability. I was reminded of this syndrome as I read Rihanna’s recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine. In the interview, she talks about not wanting to look like a victim and not wanting to be perceived as weak. She stated that she worked to present herself as strong until it felt true. This is common for many Black women, including those who have survived trauma, violence, and abuse. It is not that we are immune to pain; rather, we believe it is unacceptable to show our pain. Black women receive the message from people outside of and within our community that we should not reveal our scars. In fact, one study with Black women who have survived intimate partner violence indicated that the women perceived that the Black community overall views them as weak and undeserving of care. This fear of being dismissed as weak silences many women. Audre Lorde wrote the poignant words, “This woman is Black so her blood is shed into silence.”

This concept can be witnessed in Rihanna’s testimonial in that, regardless of the very public way in which her story was told, her actual narrative and perspective have been silenced. Rihanna stated she felt the need to figure it out by herself after just one session of therapy. What keeps her and others silent?
We have seen what happens to Black women who speak of their pain, especially if the person who caused the pain is also Black. In fact, there has yet to be an instance in contemporary times where a Black woman has been harmed by a Black male and the Black community collectively rallied to her defense. Whether it is Anita Hill, Robin Givens, the adolescent violated by R. Kelly, or, more recently, the 11 year old girl gang-raped in Texas, Black women and girls receive the message that their pain is their problem and fundamentally their fault. As a result, they are encouraged to remain silent. Rihanna has learned this lesson well. As a young witness to domestic violence and now a survivor of dating violence, Rihanna has altered her mindset to the point where she can silently find “pleasure” in the pain, comfort in the chains.

The challenge is to extinguish the pressure for Black women to wear the silent mask of superhuman strength in the most dangerous and dehumanizing situations. As I read Rihanna’s interview, I thought of all the Black women who work daily to do the impossible, bear the unbearable, and carry loads that would break any woman’s back. Yes, I celebrate those who show resilience in the eye of the storm. However, it is not enough to simply survive and just get through it. Black women need to be whole. We need to know real happiness and authentic peace. Maya Angelou says, “Survival is important. Thriving is elegant.” To get to a point of thriving, we have to heal. We have to have space to breathe, tell our stories, and tend to the broken pieces. This is not a process that we can rush. It is not a process we should have to do alone. And, it is not a process we should endure in silence. I hope more Black women will get uncomfortable with the physical and psychological chains that bind us so we can break free and live. We do have the right to remain silent, but we have a stronger, more constructive right to speak up about the abuse we have survived and the wounds that still need to be healed.

Are you really hungry? - Addressing Emotional Eating

2011-04-09T01:49:00.000-07:00

When we are feeling empty, disappointed, frustrated, angry, sad, or unfulfilled we seek out things to comfort us. We look for ways to medicate ourselves and ease the emotional pain. Some people comfort themselves with a cigarette, while others comfort themselves with shopping. Some seek the comfort of sexual intimacy and many seek comfort with food. In essence food can and does affect our mood but it is temporary. Eating sweets and other favorites can make us in the moment feel happy, energized, and relieved. The critical thing to know is that this momentary solution never lasts. The source of our distress, worry, sadness remains long after the last bite of food has been taken. In addition we are often left to deal with the additional burden of guilt and shame which often follows emotional eating. The following are some important strategies for those who find themselves engaging in emotional eating but sincerely want to make a change.

1. Press pause – When you think you are hungry instead of automatically assuming that you are physically in need of food stop to reflect on your inner feelings. Ask yourself how hungry am I? Am I feeling stress or am I actually in need of food? Interrupt the automatic connection that has been created in your mind that equates emotional need with physical hunger.

2. Consider what you are truly craving – Get real with yourself about the empty places in your life. Until you know what you really want you will never get it. Acknowledge to yourself what your hunger, desire, need is about. Admit that you are hungry for fulfillment, purpose, peace, authentic joy, and healthy relationships. Once you admit it to yourself make a decision to resist the temptation of settling for temporary distraction.

3. Fight Boredom and Find Joy – When food is the sole source of your joy you will turn to it all the time. Discover new paths of enjoyment. Go after the things that make you come alive. Find joy in your spiritual walk, in your career path, in your hobbies, and in your friendships.

4. Develop positive relationships – Some of us have made food our best friend, the only source of our consistent support. To resist emotional eating develop good relationships with friends that are encouraging, motivating, and inspiring. Instead of turning to the kitchen for your relief you can reach out to someone that can actually reach back to you. Knowing that you are not alone can radically shift your current reliance on emotional eating.

5. Avoid self-sabotage – Stocking your cabinets and refrigerator with foods that often lead to emotional eating is a set-up for a setback. If you live alone and yet buy in bulk (supposedly to save money) you really should reconsider this approach. Be honest with yourself by not surrounding yourself with the type of food and/or amount of food that supports emotional eating. Switch to healthier foods and snacks and this will be a measure of your true hunger. If you are really hungry you will eat the healthier options available to you.

It is possible to shift to healthier ways of coping, eating, and living. However it is also important to remember if you do fall into emotional eating you should strive to avoid putting yourself down. Put-downs will only feed into the negative cycle causing you to feel bad and seek more comfort from food. Break the pattern by getting in touch with your passion and purpose.

Stepping Up: Living with Excellence

2011-03-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Are you ready for a more excellent way? Are you tired of settling or living life below your potential? We often find ourselves going through the motions of living but not being truly fulfilled. There are many things that pull us into living with mediocrity, such as fear, procrastination, and unhealthy habits. Even though easy living may be the simple choice in the short run, it often leaves us feeling empty, guilty, and frustrated. On the other side, our gifts, purpose, vision, and goals beckon us into our greatness. If you are truly ready to step up and make a change, here are the Stages of Change (developed by Prochaska and DiClemente) for you to consider. These stages are usually applied to the process of changing unhealthy behaviors but they can also be applied to our decision to engage in more positive, healthy behaviors.

• Precontemplation – This is the stage when we are living below our potential but don’t even realize it. This means we have become so comfortable settling that we don’t even realize more is possible. It is disappointing when we embrace a life that falls short of our potential. However, just by the fact that you are reading this blog, I believe you are already considering the ways you can improve your life.

• Contemplation – This is the stage when we begin to think about what life would be like if we began to think, speak, and act differently. It is important during this time to consider the benefits and challenges that would come with serious life change. Growth can be difficult so we have to think it through by being honest with ourselves.

• Preparation – During this stage we make a decision to step up to the plate of change and then we begin to prepare for the changes we need to make. If your dream is big you have to prepare to step out on faith. Consider the steps you need to take now so that you can make changes in your personal life, professional life, health habits, self-care, artistic expression, and/or spiritual life.

• Action – This stage is necessary. Many people will live their entire lives saying “one day”. Well eventually we have to take action. This is when we move from thinking about it and preparing to do it to actually taking concrete steps of change. Consider now what are you willing to do to transform your life? If not now, when?

• Maintenance – In this stage we have to keep up a spirit of excellence. We have to be intentional about not going back to the easy path. We have to resist our old habits, patterns, and cycles and commit daily to living with excellence. It is not enough to make a New Year’s Resolution or to make a momentary decision. Maintenance requires self-discipline. We have to seek out those things that feed our spirits, minds, and hearts – those things and people that inspire and motivate us so we don’t go backward. Maintenance also means that when I slip back into mediocre living I don’t allow myself to dwell there. I make a decision to re-commit to the path of excellence.

A more excellent way is available to you. Make the decision to step up and then keep stepping forward. Excellence is not easy but it is worth it.

Success Strategies for Romantic Relationships

2011-02-16T11:11:00.000-08:00

When love relationships are healthy that can increase our joy, sense of peace, connection, and fulfillment. When they are unhealthy however they can increase our stress, frustration, anger, distrust, and sadness. From a mental health perspective there are a number of success strategies that you can use to enhance your romantic relationships.

1. Choose wisely. When we choose to date people who are not good for us or to us, trying to use success strategies will have minimal impact. For example if I am with someone who doesn’t respect me or the relationship, improving my communication or intimacy skills will not make the person change. In order to have a healthy relationship we need to work to heal our issues so that we begin choosing partners more wisely. Instead of choosing someone who is dysfunctional and then working and praying to change them, we need to start being more practical and prayerful about the decisions we make before entering a relationship.

2. Be open to feedback. None of us are perfect and it is important for us to all realize there are ways we can improve. For your current relationship to succeed you may need to learn some things that are different than the relationships you saw modeled for you when you were growing up and perhaps even strategies that are different from your prior relationships. Each person is different so the things that worked with one person may not always work with every person. Communication is important so you can understand each other’s expectations, hopes, fears, and dreams.

3. Keep it fresh. It is important that we not take each other for granted. When we are initially dating, we often put our best foot forward and then over time we can see our efforts dwindling. It is important that we let our partners know they are loved, desired, and appreciated. Look for creative ways to communicate your feelings to your partner. The love languages include expressing your feelings verbally, physically, with time, with gifts, and/or by actions that provide help for your partner. Think about which area is your strength and which area you could try to improve.

4. Listen. People often end up either talking at each other or not speaking to each other. To keep the relationship going and growing both people need to be heard. Instead of becoming defensive, try to actually hear your partner’s concerns. Even if you don’t agree with everything, try to hear the inner issue or feelings that are motivating the statement of your partner. After you have heard them let them know you were listening by doing what you can to take into account their feedback. If people perceive that they are being ignored, they will simply shut down and stop sharing their issues. Successful couples really listen to one another.

5. Successful couples enjoy the different gifts that each one brings to the table. The two of you will not be identical. Instead of trying to create a clone of yourself learn to appreciate your partner for who they are. This strategy can greatly reduce the stress and tension between people and allow you to actually enjoy your different styles, personalities, and preferences.

For relationships to thrive we have to invest our time, emotion, and effort. Success is possible especially when both people are willing to work for it.

Family and Friends Coping with Mental Illness

2011-01-12T12:37:00.000-08:00

Given the high rates of emotional distress and mental illness, it is very likely that you will have a family member or friend who is dealing with a mental health issue. Mental illness does not just affect the individual but all of those who are around them. You may have a friend or family member who is dealing with depression, addiction, bipolar disorder, severe anxiety, or schizophrenia. If you are not careful, you can also become overwhelmed and develop intense distress as a result of the worry you feel for your loved one. Having a family member of friend with mental illness can cause you to feel sad, angry, frustrated, afraid, guilty, hopeless, ashamed, or confused. Here are a few important strategies:

1. Remember a relative or friend can not become the person's therapist. It is important for you to be a supportive person but you cannot cure or fix the issue. You can help to ease their stress but do not try to be the person’s therapist. It is not possible and it is not healthy for either of you.
2. Encourage your friend or relative to get counseling and if needed to take their medication. Mental illness is a major issue that requires more than positive thinking or willpower. There are some skills that can be taught in counseling, some difficult past issues that can be processed, and some symptoms that can be reduced through medication and/or talk therapy. If you care about the person talk to them about the importance of getting help.
3. Tough love is not the answer for mental illness. Yelling, cursing, and giving ultimatums to someone with a mental disorder is not helpful. It increases stress, frustration, and anger. Usually the person will isolate and/or get worse. They may begin to say what you want to hear but the change will not be authentic or long-lasting when it is based on threats.
4. Knowledge is power. You can be a more effective support person by taking the time to learn more about your friend or family member’s specific mental illness. Talk to their doctor (if they consent) and/or read about the causes, effects, coping strategies, and resources. You are not alone. There are other family members and friends around the world who are in a similar situation of trying to support someone with mental health challenges. Talk with them on-line or in groups. Getting more information will empower you.
5. Enjoy the good moments. Instead of focusing solely on the symptoms, remember the good memories and be open enough to experience the good moments as they occur. Appreciate the good and recognize the strengths of the person in spite of the challenges they are facing. It doesn’t mean we ignore the problem but we know that there is more to the person that a diagnosis.
6. Self-care for the caretaker. You may spend a lot of time and energy trying to make your family member or friend happy. You have to be careful not to wear yourself down. You will end up drained and bitter if you don’t take time for self-care. Constantly putting off your needs will eventually catch up with you and result in emotional and sometimes even physical health challenges. Take time to rest, eat healthy meals, develop healthy relationships, and possibly speak with a counselor.

Your Total Life Make-Over

2011-01-02T00:55:00.000-08:00

At this time of year many of us make resolutions or revive old resolutions. We are often inspired and energized to turn the page, release the past, and move forward. We want to be wiser, stronger, and more fulfilled. The challenge is not always starting the new path but staying committed to it. Here are a few pointers to help equip you for the journey.

1. Make a commitment to a lifestyle change not simply a push for quick results. When we do rush diets to quickly lose pounds we often end up gaining them back. Additionally when we decide we just want to be with anyone, we end up choosing people who are not good for us in the long run. So instead of thinking of simply changing your life in the NOW, you want to commit to changing the way you approach life in the short term and the long term.

2. Set realistic goals. Often we get discouraged because we set unrealistic goals and then fail. When we sabotage ourselves but setting goals that we can’t live up to for more than a few days or few weeks, we do ourselves a disservice. Don’t set your goals based on what someone else is doing or simply what someone else has said. You have to set goals that work for you. Be honest with yourself. Now honest doesn’t mean that you set no goals at all. It just means that you take the mountain one step at a time.

3. Accountability is necessary. When we don’t set any standards we end up continuing to follow old habits, patterns, and relationship cycles. You need to acknowledge what needs to change and what you are going to do about it. Think it, speak it, write it down, share it, pray about it, meditate on it, and monitor it. If I make a vague promise to myself that I’m going to do better financially this is meaningless. I have to spell out to myself what exactly that means. I need to be very clear about my aims in terms of my budget, my investment in my financial future, and the temptations that need to be avoided. Often it is good to share your goals with another person who can help you to stay accountable. If I decide to give up fast food, or soda, or sweets, it helps if those around me know that this is my goal. Name it and claim it.

4. Surround yourself with positive people. If you are trying to quit or cut back on fatty foods, smoking, drinking, gossip, procrastination, or unsafe sexual activities, then you need to be around people who support those goals. If the people I am around constantly attempt to discourage me and dissuade me from my goal, it will be even harder to maintain the change. With a new attitude you should also draw new relationships – connections to those who are striving for better and who support those who are trying to do better.

5. Remember a set-back does not mean surrender. The truth is change is difficult. Too often because we slip up we excuse ourselves from any further effort. If and when you find yourself going back to old habits, remember the reason you committed to changing in the first place. Think about the benefits of change, recall how good it felt when you were living in a more positive way, and then take active steps to get back on the path. A misstep doesn’t have to be the final step. Recognize it for what it was, consider what you need to do to avoid it in the future, and then encourage yourself to make the change again.

Living with Passion

2010-12-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of going through the motions but not really being fulfilled? Do you know there is a difference between existing and living, a difference between being stuck and finding soul satisfaction? I want to encourage you in this season of your life to not settle for anything less than a passionate, purposeful life. If you are not excited about your present and your future, it is time to change course. Life is a gift and if you are not embracing it, you are missing out unnecessarily. From a mental health perspective, there are a number of strategies you can use to revive the passion in your life.

1. Value your life. When you truly consider life as a gift instead of a series of set-backs, you will begin to live more fully. Just imagine how you would live differently if you really valued your life. How would your eating, rest, self-care, relationships, and job situation have to change if you valued your life? Once you get clarity on these things, start to align your actions with your values.

2. Move from dreaming to doing. To live with passion means that you move beyond the thought realm and go into action. There are those who spend a lifetime dreaming, wishing, praying, and waiting for change to come. You can bring significant change to your life now. It is within your reach. Future plans are good but it is important for you to activate your plan in the present. Take steps to build your life’s bridge from where you are now to where you would like to be.

3. Invest time in the things that bring passion to your life. Time management is crucial for living a passionate life. Without it, your time, energy, and resources will all go to doing things you think you need to do to pay bills that don’t seem to go away. Carve out time for the things that feed your spirit. Make time for the things that inspire your passion and ignite your fire. If you cannot do it full time you need to give it some time. Without that you will feel perpetually bitter, drained, and distracted. Bring your purpose and passion into focus instead of constantly making them an afterthought.

4. Develop relationships with passionate people. There are people who will try to put your fire out and then there are those who motivate you to shine even brighter. Being in the presence of passionate people, talking with them, sharing your heart, and hearing their heart speak, fuels your passion. Eliminate draining relationships and seek kindred spirits. Passionate people help you to re-connect with your imagination and possibility.

5. Choose faith over fear. Fear stifles our passion. It makes us focus on the “can’t” instead of the “can”. It focuses on the limitation instead of the possibility. Living with passion requires that you dive in and believe that you can swim and that you deserve to experience deeper waters. Aren’t you tired of hanging out on the shallow end of the pool? You were made for more. Pursue your bliss and don’t become the one person blocking you from a passionate life.

Being a Leader People Want to Follow

2010-11-28T23:04:00.000-08:00

There is one thing to have a great idea or vision. It is a different thing to be able to mobilize and lead people over time to make dreams into reality. The manner in which you treat people can either launch you into unimagined success or set you back in immeasurable ways. Great leadership is not an accident. It takes intentions, self-awareness, sensitivity, strength, and hard work. Some of these skills may seem to come naturally to you. In fact it is likely that you have either been blessed to witness good leadership and you have adopted some of what you’ve seen or you have had the misfortune of experiencing bad leadership and are very intentional of not becoming what you have seen. Psychologists have examined a number of components that together can create a great leader. I have summarized some of these mental health leadership tips below for you to consider.

1. Self-awareness. It is very important for you to be aware of your strengths, growth areas, and personality style. People who are clueless about themselves are likely to engage in self-sabotaging behavior such as not recognizing how their behavior is affecting others or not getting help in areas that are clear weaknesses. Know yourself so you can grow yourself. Self-knowledge is critical for self-development.

2. Vision and purpose. If you are not clear about what you are trying to do, it will be impossible to get others excited about it. It is not a good idea to focus on fluff without substance. The substance is the detailed vision, plan, and goal. A leader without a mission will not be a leader for long. Clarity is necessary for effective leadership.

3. Commitment. Leaders don’t quit. When things get tough, leaders rise to the occasion. People will place their trust in those who do not easily lose faith or perspective. If you continuously start things but never finish you will develop a reputation for being flaky and people will not trust your vision or your leadership. Perseverance is a fundamental quality for good leaders.

4. Respectful. People respond based on how they are treated. If you are gifted with the opportunity to lead do not adopt a demeaning, arrogant, or condescending attitude. Confidence is not the same as operating with a sense of entitlement. Talk to people with respect. Consider people’s ideas and feelings respectful. Carry yourself with respect. Have enough respect for the project that you won’t let ego get in the way of accomplishing the goal. Strength and humility can co-exist and it is vital that you nurture both qualities.

5. Team work. Team work makes the dream work. If you don’t learn to delegate and share the load you will end up doing everything by yourself. A lone ranger may become a successful person but that is not leadership. Determine the strengths of those around you and then create space for people to shine, grow, and thrive. When the team does well everyone wins. A leader who cannot let go of any aspect of the project will drain the enthusiasm from the group and make everyone overly dependent on the leader to the point that failure is only a matter of time.

Learn from the good and bad examples of leadership you have seen. Commit to a spirit of excellence by being open to continual learning. Great leadership is not a destination but a journey. Take steps each day in the direction of your dreams.

Dr. Thema talking about Trauma Recovery and "For Colored Girls"

2010-11-12T19:04:00.000-08:00

Listen to internet radio with Chocolate Pages on Blog Talk Radio

Dealing with High-Drama People

2010-11-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

There are some people who thrive on high drama. They like to create it. They feel most comfortable when they’re surrounded by it. Constant drama is not only a lot of work for the individual who is creating it but it is also very draining for those who are around them. It usually doesn’t take long to recognize when you’re dealing with a high drama person. Here are some of the signs:
• The person has the capacity to make the smallest issues into a major event.
• The person usually dominates every conversation.
• When the person does withdraw, they do it in a very attention grabbing way that manages to focus all energy toward them.
• They seem to always be on stage or putting on a performance.
• They find it easier to see the negative than the positive.
• They have a way of speaking to people that creates tension.

If you have a friend or family member who is a drama starter, it can be very difficult to manage. There are a number of possible reasons for their behavior. The person may:
• Create drama as a distraction from dealing with their real issues.
• Have grown up with constant put-downs and have never learned how to be positive or affirming.
• Feel insecure and need constant attention to convince them that they are valued.
• Confuse peaceful with boring and create drama to entertain themselves and others.

For those who are in relationship with high drama people, here are some pointers:
1. Be very clear about your relationship with the person. You can be the supportive friend, family member, or spouse but you cannot be their therapist.
2. You have to set up healthy boundaries to both take care of yourself and also to discourage unhealthy dynamics in the relationship.
3. Aim to be a stable, grounded person not someone who feeds off of the drama and escalates it. Do not give the person the message that their job is to entertain you. Be the kind of friend that doesn’t pressure them to perform.
4. Develop a healthy sense of yourself so you don’t let the drama cause you to doubt yourself or your worth.
5. Set limits. While it is good to be supportive, if the high drama person is being disrespectful or abusive, don’t feel you have to suffer in silence. Take the space and time you need to think honestly about the level of contact you want to maintain with the person. If you need to reduce the time you spend with the person, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It means you are taking steps to protect and preserve your emotional well-being.

Most importantly, don’t get caught up in the drama. Take a step back so you can see things clearly.

Addressing Addictions: Are your habits out of control?

2010-10-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

Do you find it hard to stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors? Would you say you have an addiction to cigarettes, alcohol, other drugs, food, gambling, pornography, chocolate, caffeine, or the internet? While some addictions may have more serious consequences than others, it is important to take note of any personal habits that are out of control. We should be concerned about our well-being when we engage excessively in activities to give us pleasure and relief from stress and pressure but the behaviors actually in the long-run diminish our physical and/or mental health.

Some personality traits have been associated with addictions. They are:
- Impulsive behavior, difficulty delaying gratification.
- A high value of breaking rules.
- A sense of social isolation.
- A sense of heightened stress.

Here are some warning signs to consider:
1. You find yourself moving from one unhealthy habit to another.
2. Drinking or drugs have led to problems in your job or relationships.
3. You have a parent who struggled with addictions.
4. Your life tends to be full of drama.
5. You have difficulty making meaningful relationships.
6. You often feel out of control in one or more areas of your life.
7. You become obsessed with things quickly.
8. You lie about your habits to your friends and family.

If you are concerned that you may have an addictive personality, here are some things you can do:
1. Identify which things you feel you could develop an addiction to and avoid them before they become addictions.
2. Focus your energies on healthy activities to replace the unhealthy strategies that you are using to cope.
3. Learn relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, prayer, muscle relaxation, and exercise in moderation.
4. Write down the negative thoughts you have when you feel pulled to engage in the addictive behavior. Then write down an argument against those negative thoughts. Instead of accepting negativity, resist by trying to look at the situation in another way.
5. Break down the things you need to do into doable small goals so you don’t feel so overwhelmed.
6. Educate yourself. Find information on-line or in the library about the substance or habit to which you are developing an addiction. Information is empowering and can help give you strength to work toward healing.
7. Consider seeking professional help. Addictions are challenging but you don’t have to face it alone.

Recognizing the Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

2010-10-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

Domestic violence and dating violence are wide-spread issues that affect people of all backgrounds. An abusive relationship can be emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically abusive. Often the abuse starts off small and then escalates. Abuse in a relationship is not just about someone losing their temper. It is about power and control. It is based on their belief that they have the right to control and abuse you. Unfortunately many of us miss the warning signs that demonstrate a pattern of unhealthy behaviors. We often hope the behaviors will go away or hope that they are not a big deal. It is very important to learn to detect the warning signs so you can get to a safe place, physically and emotionally. Abusive people will try to date many people. The key is to trust yourself enough to know when someone is crossing the line. It is true that all relationships will have disagreements but abuse, violation, and violence are never acceptable.

Here are some important warning signs that you may be with an abusive partner:
Do you:
• Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Do the following descriptions describe your partner?
• Extreme jealousy
• Constant insults or ridicule
• Telling you what you can and can’t do
• Financial Control
• Possessiveness or controlling behavior
• Making false accusations
• Keeping you from seeing or talking with family and friends

Does your partner:
• Humiliate or yell at you?
• Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
• Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Destroy your belongings?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

If you answered “yes” to one, a few, or all of the questions, here are some steps for you to consider.
1. Break the isolation and shame by finding a safe person. You may want to confide in a friend, family member, therapist, police officer, or co-worker. Make sure it is someone you feel you can trust.
2. Remind yourself that the abuse is not your fault. There is no action that justifies abusive behavior.
3. Think about the possibility of getting out of the relationship. Consider the safety issues and the practical issues of where you would go and how you would go.
4. Look on-line or contact the local police station to find out available resources in your area. Resources may include counseling, housing, childcare, transportation, and legal advocacy.
5. Remember healthy relationships are based on love, respect, and trust. If those things are absent, you are not in a healthy relationship.
6. Be patient with yourself. It can be a very difficult and frightening experience to think about leaving an abusive person.
7. Consider counseling for yourself and see if your partner is willing to go to counseling. It is recommended that you both go individually instead of having sessions together.
8. Get more assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Setting Boundaries

2010-09-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

An important skill to develop is learning to set boundaries personally and professionally. This goes against the people pleasing mentality which requires that we attempt to be all things to all people while neglecting ourselves. If you notice yourself feeling frustrated, taken advantage of, overworked, overextended, resentful, and/or constantly tired, you may need to start setting more boundaries.

Here are few mental health tips for setting boundaries.
1. When a request is made of you take time to think about it instead of always giving an instant “yes”. You need to consider your other responsibilities, if this is in line with your purpose and life goals, if you have the skill and energy to successfully complete the task, and what place does it have in the grand scheme of things.

2. When you decide to say “no” do so without regret or guilt. When we exude guilt it leaves the door open for the person to continue to ask. You can communicate compassionately but clearly that you are unable to fulfill the request.

3. Setting physical boundaries is also important. If you feel someone is violating your physical space, speak up and attempt to physically move. Your body is a temple and worthy of respect and protection. If you are uncomfortable, trust that feeling and do what you can to interrupt the behavior or touch that is making you uncomfortable. The person may or may not mean any harm but if they are a touchy feely person and that makes you anxious or uncomfortable, the only way they will know it is if you let them know it.

4. Setting personal boundaries is also important. If someone asks you questions about a personal matter that you don’t feel comfortable answering, resist the automatic response that leads to answering now and regretting it later. You can say directly that you do not wish to have that conversation with them, you can change the subject, or you can simply walk away or end the phone call. When someone is attempting to bully or intimidate you, the behavior will often escalate until we shift it. Do what you can to end the intrusive pattern early.

5. Break the silence. Often when we remain silent the intrusions on our emotional and physical space multiple. Learn to speak up and express how you feel. Communication is an integral component to setting boundaries. Communicate directly and honestly to ensure the person knows the specific behavior that makes you uncomfortable and which you would like to stop.

6. When someone crosses your boundaries or otherwise takes advantage of you, do not pretend to yourself or to them that it didn’t happen. This masking or denial only serves to erase the impact of the earlier communication. People unfortunately do not always take words seriously. If it is important to you, be prepared to follow up with action. This is not threatening or manipulation but taking steps to protect and respect yourself and your feelings.

7. Celebrate yourself when you set boundaries instead of getting caught up in a guilt trip. It is a sign of strength and emotional maturity when you are able to set healthy boundaries. When you affirm yourself for doing this, it will become easier and easier.

Remember:
 You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.
 You do not have to constantly be on the go to be valuable or good enough.
 You can take important steps to preserve your well-being.

Restoring Relationships After Infidelity

2010-09-05T23:29:00.000-07:00

One of the most devastating experiences in a relationship is infidelity. Whether it was emotional or physical, one time or many, the issue of broken trust and violated commitments can create deep wounds. It is important for both partners to take action toward honesty, restoration, and healing. The healing process can take two very different pathways. One pathway is when you and your partner are trying to save the relationship and the other is when you are trying to heal after the break-up.

If you are trying to save the relationship or marriage after your partner has been unfaithful, here are a few key pointers from a mental health perspective: (A future blog will address healing from infidelity when the relationship is over.)

1. The unfaithful partner must be willing to cut off the affair and do the work required to regain your trust. You can not heal from a wound that continues to be deepened by on-going infidelity. To move forward, the affair needs to be in the past.

2. When someone has broken your trust, you will likely have a range of feelings, including but not limited to anger, sadness, frustration, fear, and numbness. It is important that you and your partner recognize that this is normal and healthy.

3. You both must recognize that restoration will take a lot of time and effort. There will be reminders or triggers that bring the pain back. There will be ups and downs and times where you feel things are going backward. You both will need to have patience with the process.

4. The unfaithful partner needs to take responsibility for the choices he or she has made. It is inadequate and immature to simply blame your partner or the person with whom you had the affair. While issues in the marriage may have contributed to relationship difficulties in the end the unfaithful partner made a choice – a choice that was a violation of trust and the emotional as well as physical safety of the partner. The partner who was unfaithful needs to do some serious soul searching about the choices they have made and then take action to increase accountability and trustworthiness.

5. While some partners don’t want to know any details, if you do want to know any details you should ask your partner. Unanswered questions and pressure to quickly press fast forward can increase feelings of distrust and distress. While facing the realities of the infidelity, you should also both go and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. A part of facing the truth is facing the truth about the fact that your physical health has been compromised.

6. Both partners will have to work to rebuild the relationship. You will both need to work on your individual concerns as well as any issues within the relationship. To assist in this process, you may find it helpful to speak with a professional counselor.

7. The person who has been cheated on should express what they need from their partner to assist in the restoration. While you want the partner who was unfaithful to take initiative, if you need something and don’t share it, you can set yourself up for further disappointment and set your partner up for frustration and feelings of hopelessness.

8. Forgiveness is an important component of the recovery process but it is not the first step. When people feel forced by their partner or an internal moral code to quickly forgive, it is often premature and not authentic. You need to allow space and time to work toward forgiveness so that it will be sincere. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened doesn’t matter it means that while it hurt you are ready to turn the page and work toward the future.

9. Spend time together doing things besides talking about the infidelity. If you want to have something to work toward, you will need to see that the two of you can build something that is more positive than the wounds of the past.

10. Be honest about the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. We can often fall into two traps. Either we idealize the relationship and fight for something that was never good for us or we may see everything through the lens of the infidelity and forgot about the good things about our partner and our relationship. You should both be honest with yourselves and each other about what needs to be fixed and what should be celebrated.

Healing and restoration are possible but you have to both want it and be willing to work for it.

Healing from Sexual Assault

2010-08-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

Sexual assault is a pervasive issue that violates our humanity. Sexual contact is not consensual when there is use of coercion, force, threat of force, manipulation, or deception. When someone or a group of people have engaged in sexual activities against your will, there can be many long lasting effects. These effects may include but are not limited to depression, anxiety, substance dependence, eating disorders, difficulties with intimacy, distrust, post traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal thoughts, plans, or behaviors. It is important for sexual assault survivors to know that the violation hurts and affects us deeply but it does not have to have the final say in your life. There are many survivors among us who have found healing, recovery, and empowerment from various sources.

Here are a few approaches to healing that you may want to explore:

1. Counseling – Sexual assault can often leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. It can be helpful to talk with someone who really has an understanding of what sexual assault is, how it affects you, and helpful strategies to assist your recovery.

2. Self-help education – As with other issues, knowledge is powerful. It is important to read about sexual assault and there is much information available on the web, in bookstores, and in your local library. When you aren’t aware of how sexual assault affects you and how to effectively cope with these effects, you can end up blaming yourself and condemning yourself. It’s important to recognize the dynamics of sexual assault so you can gain strength for the journey to wholeness.

3. Express yourself - Sexual assault can bring great feelings of shame and self blame. This can result in silence and secrecy. When we hold things it, the negative consequences can multiply. It is important to find helpful ways to express what you are feeling and thinking. This may be done a number of ways such as talking to friends and family members, engaging in artistic expression, journaling, and praying. Don’t hold it in. It was not your fault and you don’t have to hide your story.

4. Hotlines – Rape crisis centers and other advocacy agencies provide nationwide crisis hotlines. You can talk to an advocate on the phone and even have an advocate accompany you through the medical and legal processes if you choose to make use of those options. Flashbacks and panic attacks can be very distressing. Having someone you can call anytime who will respond with compassion and understanding is very critical.

5. Self care – It is so important for you not to neglect yourself. Even when it is difficult, try to rest, eat healthy foods, and avoid unhealthy coping strategies such as cutting and binging. We interrupt the ripple of assault when we refuse to treat ourselves as if we are worthless. You are valuable and deserve love and respect even when that is not what you have always received.

6. See your strengths – Instead of focusing your energy on self blame and critique, celebrate the ways you have survived. While it has not always been easy to recognize we should honor the fact that we have tried to survive and recover.

It is important to pursue healing by any means necessary. There are many pathways available to you, including but not limited to spirituality, group therapy, activism/social justice work, and medication to help manage your symptoms as you work through the recovery process. You deserve the opportunity to find the pathway that works for you. Sexual assault is a “comma” in your life and is not the “period”. You can shape the next chapter of your life and you don’t have to do it alone. Dedicate yourself to moving from victim to victor.

10 Tips for Improving your Relationship

2010-08-21T23:16:00.000-07:00

There is much attention given to the issues of being attractive, flirting, and dating. Much less attention is given to how to sustain a healthy, happy relationship. This requires important skills that many of us did not observe growing up. Here are a few tips from a mental health perspective.

1. Seek wellness. Our emotional stress and strain can create stress and strain on the relationship. When you feel better about yourself, you are able to be a better partner. Take care of yourself in ways that work for you. These can include quiet time, journaling, counseling, praying, exercising, engaging in activities that you enjoy, and getting rest.

2. Give genuine compliments. We often are quick to point out the things that are wrong with the relationship or to even stop talking at all. It is important to recognize and appreciate the things your partner is doing right. You want your relationship to be a place of emotional safety and nourishment for both of you. Be sure to do your part in giving affirmation, compliments, and validation.

3. Broaden your world. We all want to be heard, understood, and respected. Even if they are not your primary interests, learn about the things that interest your partner. Talk with them about their hopes, dreams, and disappointments; also be open in sharing your world with them.

4. Spontaneity. People sometimes feel a relationship is boring but we have the capacity to interrupt the routine. Plan something out of the ordinary, be willing to step out of the regular pattern, and spice up your love life.

5. Forgiveness. We are not perfect and our partners are perfect. As long as you are not being abused or abusing your partner, you need to learn not to cling to the past. Words and inconsiderate behaviors hurt us but if you are going to keep an active hold on the past you will not be free to build a future with your partner. Letting go of the past doesn’t mean that it was OK for the person to do what they did but it means your love and respect for each other in the present is stronger than the errors of the past. (If there is abuse of any kind, I recommend individual counseling for both of you.)

6. Quality Time. Spend time doing an activity together. Cooking, praying, talking, walking, dancing, and laughing. If we are not careful we can grow a part and that is when many people start turning to others instead of to each other. While you will face stress together, you don’t want the relationship to be defined by stress. You want to have a strong foundation and connection so you can get through the storms of life together. You build this strength by spending good times together.

7. Communicate and compromise. One of the greatest parts of thorough pre-marital counseling is the segment on expectations. Often we have expectations about roles, responsibilities, and routines that we have not communicated. These expectations may come from our parents, our past relationships, our dreams, or even from media portrayals of relationships. You need to express yourself, your needs, hopes, fantasies, fears, and concerns. You have to also know that no matter how alike you and your partner are your expectations will not be identical in every area. There has to be room for compromise recognizing that you are two different people who are learning to love each other.

8. Emotional and physical intimacy. If you are closed off from each other you can easily slip into the role of roommates who live under the same roof but are actually quite distant. Be willing to open up emotionally. To grow in trust we have to be willing to be honest and risk vulnerability to another person. To truly be loved we have to be known and we can’t be known if we are living a lie. Intimacy means take the mask off, come of the stage, and be free to be you. Intimacy is also physical affection. Work on getting comfortable with your sexuality. Reclaim your passion and creativity. Constant fatigue, holding grudges, and discomfort with our changing bodies can be barriers to physical intimacy. Be intentional about nurturing every aspect of the relationship, including the heart, mind, body, and spirit.

9. Being comfortable does not mean being cruel. Sometimes we can start to take each other for granted. Being honest is not the same as being mean-spirited or inconsiderate. Consider your partner’s feelings and do not operate in such a way that assumes they aren’t going anywhere so you can do whatever you want. Yes you want to be yourself but being real does not replace kindness and respect.

10. Social justice and community empowerment. Instead of getting caught up in a narrow view of life, engage in community work together. It is a wonderful thing to come together around something larger than you. This may include volunteering with those who are homeless or suffering in other ways, creating artwork together, attend community organizing events together, purchasing and giving donations together, assisting with a youth program together, or participating in walks together that are aimed at raising awareness and funds for a particular cause. These larger issues can play a special role in bringing us closer to each other as we remember our shared values and compassion.

Healthy, lasting relationships require sustained efforts. When you both put in the effort, you reap the benefits of being authentically known, loved, and celebrated. It’s possible and every relationship can be improved when we commit fully to the process.

Friends: No time for fake ones

2010-08-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

One of the most important human needs is the connection found in positive relationships. We strive to be understood, respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. Many of us have friendships from the various stages of our lives: childhood, young adulthood, and beyond. Friendship is an important aspect of our lives. When it is healthy it is a source of inspiration, joy, support, and strength. Unfortunately, the wounds caused by insincere “friends” can also be the most hurtful. Most of us have had friendships that did not last and that resulted in some negative feelings. To help prevent some potential hurt, let us consider some warning signs that someone may not actually be a true friend.

1. One-sided. It is very important for friendship to be mutual. Both people need to have concern and respect for each other and both people need to desire contact and communication. If you have to initiate all of the conversations and times together, you should step back and think honestly about whether the other person truly wants the friendship.

2. Jealousy. A friend is happy for your successes. They want the best in life for you and are the main ones leading the parade to celebrate when things are going well in your life. If someone’s insecurity, envy, competitive spirit, makes it hard for them to enjoy your happiness, this is a major warning sign. If you have to start keeping your good news a secret for fear that they will get sad, angry, or distant, something is seriously wrong with the nature of the relationship.

3. Put downs disguised as jokes. The gift of friendship is that we can truly be honest with each other. If you really want feedback on something you said, something you wore, something you are thinking about doing, you can trust a real friend to tell you the truth. This is important but when things go too far and a person constantly puts you down there is a problem. Being in the presence of a friend makes you feel better about yourself not worse. A sense of humor is wonderful but someone who enjoys constantly making jokes at your expense is not really concerned for your feelings. Even if someone says, it is just their personality, remember we are all responsible for our words. Taking opportunities to cut someone down for entertainment is not an indicator of real friendship.

4. Watch your back. If you know someone is not trustworthy, you have to ask yourself why you continue to confide in them. If someone shares things you ask them not to share, if they talk about you to others, and if you cannot trust them in the presence of your romantic partner, this person is not your friend. A friend is someone who has your back not someone you have to fear will stab you in the back.

5. Wing clipper. Friends encourage you to grow, mature, thrive, and soar. They want you to live a happy and healthy life. If someone discourages you from doing positive things and encourages you to engage in negative behaviors, this is not a positive friendship. A friend honors the changes you try to make to live a better life instead of dragging you back to the bad habits of the past.

All of these warning signs represent both things we should avoid in others and in ourselves. To attract good friends we have to also strive to be a good friend. If someone is not being a good friend to you, you may want to first have an honest conversation with them to see if things can get better. If there is no improvement, it may be time to create some space and time in your life for more healthy friendships to develop. Most importantly, don’t let unhealthy friendships of the past cause you to cut off your willingness to trust someone new in the future. Isolation is not the answer. We just have to move forward with wisdom knowing that there are other people out there who value good friends.

Breaking the Cycle

2010-07-17T17:33:00.000-07:00

Many of us were exposed to some things as children that were inappropriate at the least and abusive at the worst. These things may include but are not limited to early exposure to alcohol, guns, drugs, sexual activity, pornography, graphic language, adult-themed movies, or other issues from which we should have been protected. Those of us with insight can see some of the negative ways those early experiences affected our views of ourselves, other people, sexuality, violence, trust, and safety. If we are not careful we can repeat this cycle and expose the children and youth in our care to the same unhealthy experiences. There are a few important strategies to help us to stop the cycle.

1. Recognize the things that you were exposed to that were not healthy or appropriate. When we make excuses for these things we set ourselves up to create confusion in someone else’s life. So do not credit bad situations for making you the great person you are today. You are who you are because you worked hard to deal with those issues not because those things were good for you. We often don’t want to see our parents or caretakers in a negative light so we minimize things that were really out of order. If we continue to operate out of denial we are very likely to continue the patterns of dysfunction. So not in a spiteful way but in a honest way think back and consider what are things you wish had been done differently to better protect you.

2. Be honest with yourself about the impact those experiences have had on your life. When we continue to say I don’t see the harm in children being exposed to adult experiences, we are not living in a healthy place emotionally. It is the inability to acknowledge the harm that puts people at risk from moving from victims to perpetrators. The truth is there are long term consequences to starting smoking, drinking, getting high, watching violence and pornography, and participating in adult conversations and activities at an early age. It affects us on many levels and we have to see those wounds clearly so we can be motivated to interrupt these cycles to the best of our ability.

3. Look for the warning signs. We have to be vigilant, be careful about who we allow access to the children in our home, community, schools, Churches, etc. Some people have unhealthy intentions and some may have good intentions but have bad judgment. When we are naïve and live with blinders on refusing to see what we or others are doing, we create more unhealthy cycles. We never want to be the ones who refuse to see, refuse to believe, refuse to respond, and refuse to speak up. Many inappropriate things happen because of bystanders – those who sit back and say nothing. It may feel easier to remain silence and simply hope and pray it is not what we think it is but silence is a choice. It is a choice that supports the endangerment or disrespect of those who are most vulnerable.

The final and most important aspect of stopping these cycles is to create positive experiences for the young people who are around us. Our best memories are not just based on the absence of the negative but the presence of positive people. Positive adults who can bring safety, affirmation, insight, inspiration, and encouragement make all the difference. You have the capacity to be a life changer, not just for yourself but for someone from the next generation. Just because we experienced dysfunction doesn’t mean we have to continue it. Break the chain. Start a new legacy of wholeness, healthiness, and ha

Power over Painful Memories

2010-07-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

All of us have had painful experiences in our past. Many times we are able to push forward with our lives but when we haven’t deal with these difficult memories, they continue to dominate our thinking. Even those, who have tried to deal with these memories, will have times when disturbing thoughts and feelings come up. Psychologists call reminders of these painful memories “triggers”. A trigger may be a particular smell, a person, people who remind you of a person, a place, a specific touch, the time of year/anniversary of the event, getting close to a person/intimacy, or having a child who turns the age that we were at the time of the event. It is normal for there to be things that remind us of the past. The key is for us to find healthy ways of navigating these memories.

1. Find healthy ways to express the things that happened in your past. This may be through journaling or talking to someone who you can trust such as a counselor. Trying to push it out of your mind is not a long term solution.

2. Remember that distracting yourself from the memory with unhealthy tools such as drinking, smoking, eating, engaging in risky sexual activities, compulsive shopping, or gambling end up leading to more problems.

3. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that difficult wounds have a lasting impression even if they happened as a child.

4. Remind yourself that the memory affects you but doesn’t define you. In other words there is more to you than your past.

5. Start to be aware of what triggers you have so you can be prepared. If you get upset around the same each year, begin engaging in self care activities before that date so you better manage the distress. For example, you may want to create a healthy ritual for remembering but not getting stuck in the past or you may want to make plans with people who are safe and affirming. Another example is sexual intimacy. If it is difficult for you because it reminds you of the past, try to keep your eyes open so you can see that the present is not the past.

6. Instead of focusing all of your energy on the negative, make a list of the good that has happened in your life as well as the good you want for your future.

7. To combat the tendency for self-blame and shame, consider the positive traits about yourself. You are a survivor and quite possibly there are even ways you have grown and thrived. Don’t allow the pain of the past to diminish your view of yourself or your possibility.

8. Commit to living positively and renew that commitment each day. Even if you don’t feel like it, let yourself rest, eat something healthy, work to build good relationships, invest in your mental and physical health, and pursue your purpose.

Memories are powerful. The past is beyond our control but you do have the capacity to shape your present. Allow yourself to acknowledge the past, to work through it, and to affirm the gift of the present. Healing is a process that requires patience and perseverance. Don’t give up.

Healing Your Hunger: Addressing Emotional Eating

2010-06-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

Most of us have had times when we ate not because we were actually hungry but because we had unmet emotional needs. We sometimes eat when we are sad, anxious, bored, lonely, or even happy. Eating for any reason other than physical hunger is called emotional eating. We often turn to comfort foods such as ice cream, chocolate, cookies, pizza, steak, or chips. An occasional chocolate bar does not harm us but many of us eat high calorie diets and do not exercise. This results in us being overweight or even obese. There are some important strategies, from a mental health perspective, to empower you to have a healthier relationship with food and your body temple.

1. Recognize when you are experiencing emotional hunger versus physical hunger. Emotional hunger is often sudden instead of gradual. It results in a craving for a specific food as opposed to simply the need to eat in general. Additionally emotional eating continues even after your body is physically full and afterward we often feel guilty for what we have eaten.

2. Educate yourself on the negative consequences of being overweight or obese. The consequences include but are not limited to increased depression, eating disorders, body image dissatisfaction, heart disease, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, heart failure, stroke, type 2 diabetes, and low self esteem. In America, being overweight cuts off our lives by approximately five years.

3. It is next important to recognize your eating triggers. What are the situations that result in you engaging in emotional eating? Examples include eating socially to cover feelings of inadequacy, eating to fill the void when one is stressed, bored, angry, tired, or depressed, eating simply because the food is there, eating after a series of negative thoughts about yourself, or excessive eating after you have denied yourself food by skipping meals. These are just a few examples. Each person has to determine for themselves the circumstances, thoughts, and feelings that often precede emotional eating.

4. It is the important to practice using other strategies to handle your issues. One strategy is distraction such as reading, going for a walk, taking a bubble bath, exercising, playing a game, talking to a friend, doing housework, or other pleasurable activities to pass the time. Besides distraction, you may want to also consider meditation, problem solving, and talking about the issue with a counselor or other trusted person.

5. Eliminate or reduce your consumption of high fat foods, highly processed foods, and fast foods. Eat more fruits and vegetables and drink more water.

6. Engage in regular exercise. Over 60% of Americans don’t get sufficient physical exercise. Walk more, go to the gym, exercise in your home, and engage in outdoor physical activity. It is recommended that you exercise 3 – 5 times a week for 30 to 60 minutes. Cut back on sedentary activities such as hours of television, movies, video games, and sitting at a desk all day without any physical activity.

7. Get in environments and around people that are motivating not discouraging or sabotaging.

8. If and when you have a set-back, don’t surrender. Falling off of your program is not a reason to give up totally. Each day is a new opportunity to take care of you: mind, body, and spirit.

Your body temple is sacred. Heal the wounds of the past and present. Take responsibility for your eating and exercise. Choose self care over shame and freedom over food bondage. Yes you can!

Dealing with Anger

2010-06-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

Anger is a healthy emotion that can sometimes be expressed in unhealthy ways. Some of us are consumed with anger and we have aggressive outbursts while others of us swallow our anger and it eats us up on the inside. Anger is a feeling that can range from mild irritation to intense rage. It is a natural response to situations where we feel threatened, harmed, wronged, or disrespected. We may also become angry when we feel another person is being threatened or harmed. Sometimes we may become angry with ourselves or with issues that we feel are blocking our desires or goals.

While some of us have been taught from family, cultural, or religious teachings that anger is unacceptable, it is important to know that anger is healthy when it is expressed in a healthy way. When something unjust has occurred it is natural to become angry about it. We just have to make sure that we use the outrage to motivate us in a positive way and not in a way that does harm to ourselves or to others.

Many of us have only seen violent anger so we avoid anger at all costs. The price for this is hefty and weighs us down emotionally. From a mental health perspective it is important that we learn to express our anger instead of either denying it or allowing it to lead to explosive outbursts.

1. Seek to avoid destructive anger. Destructive expressions of anger are abusive, out of control, shame inducing, or violent. Examples of this can include hitting a person, destroying their property, stalking, seeking revenge, and verbal assaults in person or on-line. Destructive expressions of anger can lead to loss of relationships, loss of employment, loss of self respect, and loss of perspective.

2. Acknowledge and understand your anger. Denial is not healthy. When we don’t allow ourselves to be aware of and express our anger, if it finally comes out it is often intense and out of control. This is demonstrated when we sit on issues for years and then when the person does one additional small thing we blow up with the rage that has been mounting for a long time. This is not a healthy or effective strategy for handling difficulties. You need to be honest with yourself about the fact that you are angry and then determine the real source of your anger. Is the anger in part masking fear, disappointment, sadness, or insecurity? Is the anger truly at the person you are directing it toward or is it really about something else? To heal it you have to face it. To address it you have to acknowledge it.

3. Express your anger in constructive ways. Constructive outlets for anger include but are not limited to writing, talking, exercise, spiritual practice, and safe confrontation/mediation. Other constructive activities are seeking justice, promoting practical solutions, and working to prevent the circumstance from happening to others. Some final strategies people use are reducing or eliminating time with the person who provokes the anger in your life, focusing on the positive aspects to one’s current circumstance, praying, going to counseling, reading self help books, and finding the humor (not mean-spirited sarcasm) in the midst of the storm.

Get a handle on your anger. People who learn to successfully manage their anger have better communication skills, increased energy levels, strengthened relationships, improved physical and mental health, increased self esteem, more effective coping skills, and are able to see things from different perspectives. Don’t’ allow yourself to get stuck in anger. Work through it, on your own or with a counselor. By honestly dealing with your anger you can avoid emotional self sabotage. Exhale.

Positive Parenting

2010-06-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

Positive Parenting
Parenting is a lifelong commitment that transforms lives and shapes future generations. It is very challenging to be an effective parent. There are so many ways that we can fall short of the goal. The key is to learn from the past and be intentional about the way we go forward. Here are a few pointers from a mental health perspective.

1. To raise a confident child, you need to build your confidence. Children pay attention to not only what we say but we do. We are important role models in our child’s lives. We often pass on our habits to our children. This includes our approach to relationships, eating, television, education, finances, coping, substances, and spirituality. Children are thinkers and will not duplicate us exactly but the way we live does have an impact. Heal your issues so you don’t pass on unhealthy habits to the next generation. Along with teaching our children important values with our words, we need to also demonstrate our values in the way we live.

2. Express your love and respect for your child with your words and actions. Tell them that you love them, that you are proud of them, and that you believe in them. Then follow up your words with actions. Spend quality time with them and let them know that you enjoy being with them. When your children feel like a burden or feel unloved they will start looking for attention in negative ways or from negative people. A child who knows what love and respect feel like will go into the world knowing they have value instead of constantly feeling defeated or unworthy.

3. Set your children up for success. Develop their talents and skills by teaching them what you know and getting them involved in programs that build on their abilities. When we leave our children’s development up to other adults like teachers, we miss an important opportunity to invest in the success of our children. It is also important that you not burden your children with the belief that they have to fulfill your dreams. Empower them to explore, recognize, and pursue their gifts, potential, and passion.

4. Be careful about who you give access to your children. Negative peer groups or abusive people are often those who have had free unmonitored access to our children. Pay attention to warning signs and honor your children by making their safety a priority. There may be things that you miss initially but you have a responsibility to take action as soon as you become aware of the situation. With your response you communicate to your child that they deserve respect and safety. This also applies to our behavior. If you are engaging in unhealthy behaviors this also can put your child at risk. Consider the changes you need to make in your habits, conversation, and relationships for your child to be protected and empowered.

5. Give them responsibilities. It is not appropriate to make your children into little adults or to make them the parent. However it is a good idea to give your children responsibilities or chores that are appropriate to their age. This can teach them a sense of confidence in their abilities and their role as a part of the family team.

6. Have expectations, rewards, and consequences for your child. People often perform at the level of expectation. Let your child know your expectation for their academic success, for their behavior and manners, as well as for their hygiene and self-care. Make a point of catching your child doing the right thing instead of waiting to point out their mistakes. Praise them for the good they do so they don’t equate attention with negativity. However when they do not meet expectations there should be appropriate consequences. We have to make sure the consequences are appropriate for their age and for the level of their misbehavior. When we yell about everything the child will no longer take it seriously. They will assume they can’t win. Simultaneously if you tell a child what the rules of the house are and when the rules are broken there is no response, they will also not take you seriously. Let me say clearly that there is no excuse for abuse. Hurting a child, punching a child, calling a child a derogatory name, and locking a child in a closet are not acceptable consequences regardless of their behavior. Consequences are necessary but make sure the child knows that you have not stopped loving them. Children may behave badly at times but we want to make sure they know they are not bad people.

7. Empower them to survive the storms of life. The reality is all people no matter how well they were raised will face difficulty. The key is to not allow the difficulties to define you or destroy you. Let children see how you make it through difficult times. Teach them faith, hope, and perseverance.

Keep growing and working to be the best parent you can be. Learn from what your parents or guardians did well and also remember the things you wish had been different. You can make the difference in the life of your children. Remember to also take care of your health, spiritually, mentally, and physically. When you feel good you will be better able to encourage positivity in your child. Be encouraged. Parenting is a challenge but it is also a beautiful gift.

Forgiveness is a Process

2010-05-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

We need to understand that forgiveness is a process and when it comes from a healthy place it takes time. Often people who proclaim instant forgiveness haven’t given themselves time and space to really work through what has happened. Many of us feel a moral or religious urgency to forgive but we must make sure we are being honest with ourselves and honoring our true feelings.

Forgiveness can be liberating. It can free us and keep us from being stuck in the past but in order for it to truly be effective, it needs to be something we have faced not simply something we have stifled.

What are some signs that you still need to work through the issue?
1. You can’t think about it or talk about it without becoming overwhelmed.
2. Someone hurt you or your children but you feel the need to protect them by making their feelings your first priority.
3. You have a lot of physical ailments or somatic complaints. Somatic complaints are bodily symptoms that have no medical explanation such as migraines, digestive issues, and muscle ache.
4. You still blame yourself for the actions of the other person.
5. You are struggling with depression, PTSD, or panic attacks.
6. You are engaging in harmful activities such as unsafe sexual practices, harmful eating habits, substance abuse, or an inability to sleep through the night.
7. Your emotions feel out of control. You either experience very extreme, uncontrollable outbursts or you are totally numb.
8. You can’t figure out why you’re not happy.
9. You are often in unhealthy, exploitive relationships.

So what are some good steps to take in the process toward forgiveness?
1. Be honest with yourself and if it is safe be honest with the person about how the experience has affected you. Trying to bury your feelings only distracts you from the healing work that needs to be done.

2. Find constructive ways not destructive ways to release your anger. Instead of turning to violence, vengeance, or other negative behaviors try some healthy strategies. Some things that may help are journaling, talking to those you trust, exercise, getting active in your community, spiritual activities, and expressing yourself through artistic expression.

3. Accept that you may never know the reason for what has happened. Sometimes we say we can’t move forward until we know why. The truth is the person who did it may not really understand the reason for their behavior. Instead of handing your healing over to them for an explanation accept the fact that your growth is not dependent on their process.

4. Use thought stopping. When you find yourself replaying the event over and over in your mind, begin to actively take control over your thinking. Focus your energy on what is going right in your life and begin to imagine the life you would like to create for yourself.

5. If you have made a decision to forgive, be patient with yourself. There are times when things will remind you of what happened. Understand that this is a part of the process but with each season your ability to survive the memories will grow stronger.

6. Remember that forgiving the person doesn’t mean that what happened is OK or acceptable. The act or actions were wrong but you may choose to not make the event the center of your life.

7. Consider what empowering lessons you can learn from the experience. What have you learned about yourself, about the other person, about relationships, about life in general?

8. If you feel stuck, consider speaking with a counselor. Therapy is a helpful place to work through difficult experiences and to determine how to best move forward with your life.

In essence, forgiveness is not just something to do merely out of obligation to the other person. When it is authentic, forgiveness can be freedom for you. You can be liberated so that the past no longer has the final say in your life. Living life controlled by anger, grief, and despair, is no way to really live. You deserve more and more is possible. Begin now. Exhale.

Reawaken Your Passion

2010-05-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we lose ourselves by being caught up in the business of life. We can become so busy, so distracted, so caught up in the routine of our daily activities, that we forget our fire. Consider now the things that used to bring you joy, excitement, passion, purpose. Consider now the parts of you that you have let slip away. Some aspects of ourselves were for a season and we are content to close those chapters of our lives, but there are other parts of us that we need to reclaim, rediscover, and revive. It may be some relationships you have neglected, it may be your artistic expression, or it may be self care strategies you used to do to nurture your mind, body, or spirit. Now is the perfect time for a divine pause – a season to reflect on the person you have become and the parts of you that need to be pulled out of the shade into the sunshine.

So with all that you have on your plate, how can you reclaim your bliss? Here are a few strategies:

1. Separate the external expectations from the internal call. There are so many voices, opinions, “shoulds” that bombard our spirits and chip away at our understanding of ourselves. At some point, you have to shut out what you have been convinced you need to do and get back to your core. What is your calling, your purpose, your passion? Deferred dreams peer out of the closets of our mind’s eye, begging to be unleashed. Dare to dream again. Dare to respond to your inner voice.

2. Cut out the fluff and take responsibility for managing your time. To make time for your dreams, destiny, bliss, you will need to harness the courage to say “no” to distraction, fear, drama, and extreme self sacrifice. What are you willing to change so you can carve out time for the things that really matter to you? When you get clear about your priorities and honest about what you need in your life, it will become much easier to see the things, people, activities that need to go. Carve out space so you can live again, grow again, and sing again.

3. Get in the presence of inspiring people. When you are on the treadmill of life and surrounded by people who live on the treadmill, it becomes easy to lose sight of the things that speak to your spirit. Get in the presence of those who inspire you, encourage you, provoke thought, illicit creativity, and remind you to live with passion. People who show up fully to life motivate others to do the same. To shift your life you need to be around those who are willing to walk outside of the lines and who are not uncomfortable or intimidated by those who refuse to stay in the box. To re-shape your life you may need to re-shape your relationship circle.

4. Have periodic check-ins with yourself. We have to be vigilant about not losing ourselves. It is so easy to slowly but surely forget about the things that bring fire to our lives. The next thing you know, years have passed and you didn’t realize you were living below your possibility. Make a point to stop and evaluate where you are and where you want to be. It is never too late to reclaim your fire.

Remember that life fulfillment can be a priority and not just an afterthought. Yes you have obligations, responsibilities, bills, commitments, but it is vital that you not give up you. Having a completed to-do list while stifling your soul is not the way you want to live. You deserve more and you can have more. The key is to live with balance. There are things you need to do but on that list consider including things that truly feed your spirit. Pursue your passion, stir up your gifts, and unleash your possibility.

Dealing with Difficult People

2010-05-07T22:40:00.000-07:00

Whether the difficult people in your life are co-workers, family, or unreliable friends, you have to take responsibility for your well-being. It is often said, we can’t control the actions of others but we do have a say in how we respond. To be honest, difficult people can cause stress, confusion, anger, disappointment, frustration, and irritation. When we are not careful, we can allow difficult people to bring us to a place where we are out of character, out of integrity, and out of control. It is very important that we develop skills and strategies that promote our mental health, clarity, and empowerment. Here are a few pointers:

1. Acknowledge that the person is bringing confusion and drama into your life. At some point we have to acknowledge the elephant in the room, be clear about not making or accepting excuses, and see people for who they are. Knowledge is power and when we operate from a place of denial we surrender our power. So the first step is to be honest with yourself about the person and the difficulty that they create.

2. Try to hear the person out so you can distinguish reality from drama, truth from lies, and helpful feedback from hateration. The reality is sometimes even negative people may have an honest issue. So instead of dismissing everything they say, listen first to determine if their comments have any value.

3. If you determine the person is just bringing chaos and drama, ignore them, shut it down, and end the conversation. When you argue with difficult people, the confusion and anger gets magnified. You don’t have to try to convince them of anything, especially if they make it clear that they are willing to hear you out. Boundaries are an important sign of self respect so you should love and respect yourself enough to avoid entertaining people whose intentions are to harm or hinder you.

4. When the person continues to cross the line, you should truly consider taking an action. Determine the safest and most effective strategy. This may be confronting the person about their behavior, documenting what is happening, filing a report, pressing charges, obtaining a restraining order, or asking someone to mediate the situation. You don’t have to handle it alone and honestly some people when ignored begin to escalate their negative behavior. Your safety, emotionally and physically, are important so don’t let fear or pride keep you from asking for help.

5. Be aware that forgiving doesn’t have to always mean forgetting. From your moral, religious, spiritual, or personal code you may find it important to forgive people. Forgiveness can be a gift to yourself and others but you also don’t want to pretend a character issue doesn’t exist and as a result become vulnerable to continuous violation and disrespect. So while you may choose to forgive, you should also remain observant to determine if the person has truly grown to the place where they deserve the trust of close friendship.

6. Finally make sure to engage in activities to take care of yourself. You may need to reduce or eliminate contact with the person. You should also engage in activities that affirm you, inspire you, and nurture you. The stress and drama can weigh you down so be intentional about making your mental health a priority.

We all encounter difficult people but don’t forget you still have choices you can make to protect your peace of mind.

Avoiding Burnout

2010-04-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

Burnout is emotional and physical exhaustion brought on by excessive stress and overwhelming life demands. Signs that you are burned out are feelings of unhappiness, detachment, helplessness, and constant lack of energy. Too often we run ourselves into the ground trying to do too much with too little time. Burnout can be very dangerous for our mental and physical health. It can result in depression, panic attacks, migraine headaches, digestion problems, difficulty with sleep, and the ruin of relationships. It is very important to try to prevent burnout before it happens. Here are a few pointers to empower you to live effectively without constantly running on empty.

1. Take a day or a few days off. Often there is not someone who will say to you, “You look like you could use a break.” We have to say it to ourselves. Even if you don’t have money to go somewhere you can take a mental vacation. Sleep late, eat healthy meals, talk about something besides work, and enjoy a silent walk. Do something fun and restorative such as watching a movie, taking a dance class, going to a spiritual service, catching up with old friends, or reading a good book.
2. Learn to say no. You can’t do everything for everyone. You can say “no” in a polite way but it should be clear and firm. Unfortunately some people will use you until you set a limit so it’s time to start setting boundaries.
3. Consider making a change. If your relationship or job is constantly stressing you out and there doesn’t appear to be any sign of change, you need to ask yourself if now might be the time to make a change. Relationships and careers are work but if they are compromising your health, mentally or physically, you need to step back and take an honest look at your situation. Change is difficult but your health is worth it.
4. Each day take a break from technology. Turn off your cell phone and computer for a set amount of time so you can rest, relax, and enjoy time away from the pressures of social and work demands.
5. Set realistic goals and a realistic schedule. We set ourselves up for daily disappointment when we create timelines that are unattainable. Do what you can and celebrate what you do.
6. Ask for help. You don’t have to carry everything alone. Seek help from co-workers, family, and friends. You can also request help from professionals such as ministers, therapists, and financial planners.
7. Bring sunlight to your social life. Cut out time with draining people. Surround yourself with people that are positive and who bring light, joy, and inspiration to your life. (Make sure you bring those same things to their life so that it is a healthy and mutual relationship and not one-sided.)
Burnout affects your mind, emotions, body, and spirit. To preserve your health it is important that you take active steps to reduce your stress and improve your ability to cope. Don’t wait until your health is compromised. Give yourself permission to press pause now.

Life after a Breakup

2010-04-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

The end of a relationship can be a very difficult time emotionally, socially, and even financially. A breakup provides a natural time to press pause and reflect both on the past and on the possibilities for the future. Sometimes we can feel that things can never get better after a serious relationship ends. We question ourselves, our ability to love, and the possibility of ever finding someone who can truly love us. Here are a few mental health pointers to assist and empower you in the aftermath of a breakup or divorce.

1. Allow yourself space and time to experience a range of feelings. You may feel relieved, angry, sad, confused, numb, or even happy. Relationships are complicated and the ending of a relationship is also usually quite complicated. It is natural that there are parts of the relationship that you will mourn, whether it is the loss of good times you shared together or the hopes that you had for a lifetime of love and commitment. There are times when we fall in love with the idea of the person or the person’s potential even more than who the person is in the present. It is important that you distinguish between the two. Be honest with yourself about what you have lost and what you never had. Along with the grief and loss it is also natural that you may feel angry for things that were done, relieved that the tension has decreased (if it has), or numb/empty. Be compassionate with yourself and honest with yourself about how you feel.

2. Don’t distract yourself by engaging in unhealthy behaviors or engaging in unhealthy relationships. It is not a good idea to cope by jumping into another relationship or attempting to escape with drugs, alcohol, food, or cigarettes. Along with not rushing into things or running from issues, it is also a good idea to take a time out before making any major life decisions.

3. Surround yourself with positive people. It doesn’t have to be a lot of people just make sure they are people who are safe, supportive, and encouraging. You don’t have to face this next chapter of your life alone. Fight through the depression, shame, and isolation. Reach out to others and let them help you. This includes family, friends, and mental health professionals.

4. Learn from the past. Consider what this relationship has taught you about yourself, about relationships, and about others. While none of us are perfect, we should all strive to make each relationship better than the last. We bring to the table the benefit of our gained wisdom from past experiences. The key is to not end up in dysfunctional patterns where we continue to repeat negative thoughts and behaviors instead of learning from them. What can you take from this situation as you prepare to move forward?

5. Get excited about your future. While you need to give yourself space and time to grieve the past, you also don’t want to get stuck in the past. Start to make plans for your future, try new hobbies, reach out to meet new people, and re-discover the things that used to bring you joy.

6. Start and maintain a healthy routine. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Even if you don’t feel like it, get up out of bed, try to eat good food, exercise, engage in activities that nurture you, and find ways to express yourself (talking to trusted friends and/or journaling, etc.). Put away things that remind you of the relationship such as pictures. Your actions affect your feelings so sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Don’t surrender to the blues. Fight to get reinvested in living, dreaming, loving, and laughing. Remember if it feels overwhelming, you don’t have to handle it alone. Seek out friends, support groups, or a counselor to help you get back on track.

Life is for the living and there is still a lot of life available to you. The past is powerful and can be painful but remember you still have the power to create the next chapter of your life. Give yourself permission to turn the page.

Humor is Healing

2010-04-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

Often we take things too seriously. We stress to the point of losing our hair, our appetite, and our perspective. While there are intense and horrific things that happen in life, there are also moments of joy that we miss because we are living life with our heads hung low. Children laugh so much more than adults and the older they get the less they laugh. There is much that we can learn from them.

On today commit to bringing your joy back, getting back the beauty of laughter, and finding the rainbow after the storm. One popular quote on the Internet beckons us to not wait until after the storm but to learn how to dance in the rain. I’d like to share with you some of the mental health benefits of humor and then let you know a few things you can do to make your heart smile again.

How Humor Can Heal:
1. Laughter can overpower anxiety. When you are laughing it is physiologically impossible to feel anxious or anger. True laughter takes over your entire body. It is a great release for pent up emotions.
2. Smiles and laughter can also reduce stress. When you let go of the stress you are holding, you have more energy to pursue the things that really matter to you.
3. Humor allows you to see the larger picture. When we focus only on the negative we miss a large part of what life is bringing to us. Not everyone is against us and not every situation is doom and gloom. When you shift your focus you begin to notice more good people, good opportunities, and good within yourself.
4. Humor can bring connection. When we laugh together, we grow closer to one another. Laughter and joy are great community builders, connection builders, and relationship builders. In every relationship, strength comes from not just enduring the difficulties but learning how to truly enjoy each other’s presence.
5. There are also physical health benefits to humor such as reduction of stress hormones, muscle relaxation, immune system enhancement, pain reduction, enhances deep breathing, and in cases of deep laughter can even be a form of cardiac exercise.
6. Humor can empower you. Some people purposefully try to discourage you and distress you. When you refuse to get caught up in the misery you reclaim power of your life.

How to Bring More Humor to Your Life:
1. Check out funny movies and books.
2. Spend more time with fun-loving people and not people who drain you.
3. Be intentional about looking for the bright side to the situation.
4. Live a balanced life that is not just about work and achievement but about connection, leisure, and pursuit of your bliss.
5. Try to live in the present. When we focus all of our energy on past mistakes or future worries we miss the blessing of now.
6. Play games – bowling, board games, computer games, and others.
7. Go to comedy clubs.
8. Listen to upbeat music and don’t forget to dance.

I encourage you to try it right now. Smile. Dance right where you are. Count your blessings. Your life may not be perfect but strive to see the possibility, the ridiculous, the comedy, and the memory of authentic laughter that at some point had the power to transform you mind,

Effective Problem Solving

2010-04-05T12:09:00.000-07:00

We all face difficulties in our lives. The key is discovering ways to handle your problems instead of being overwhelmed by them. Mentally and emotionally there are some effective strategies to help you solve your problems. Here are a few of them:

1. Make sure you really understand the nature of the problem. Sometimes we get distracted by the small issues and miss the larger picture. So we have to remember we can’t solve what we don’t acknowledge. We have to see the real issue and not get caught up in things that are insignificant.

2. Break the problem down into areas that you can manage. It is not helpful to simply conclude “my life is a mess” or “my finances are a disaster” or “my relationship isn’t working”. You want to be able to see the specific issues that need to be addressed. What is really the cause of the difficulties? By breaking down the issue into more manageable parts you can start to see concrete potential solutions.

3. Try to look at your issues from a different perspective. Instead of simply being stressed out by the situation, try to see the new opportunities. A lay off may come at the season you need to start your own business or go back to school. A break-up may come at a time that is needed for you to examine the type of relationship you really desire. Take time to evaluate what you really want in life and in this particular situation. Shift your focus so you can gain clarity.

4. Resist self destructive approaches to solving your problem. Seeking advice from people who have shown you they don’t care about you is not a good idea. Trying to escape your feelings by simply staying busy, drinking, smoking, snorting, cutting, shopping, gambling, over-eating, and hooking up is also not a good idea. When we do things to harm ourselves it makes our problems worse instead of better. Instead of negative approaches, try to cope with your distress in positive ways such as deep breathing, exercise, and prayer or meditation.

5. Brainstorm about possible solutions. Sometimes our first idea may not be the strongest solution. Even when you are under time constraints, try to take a little time to think through the situation before jumping to action. As you brainstorm, remember information is power so seek information from books, on-line, supportive friends and family members, and experts, whether financial, psychological, professional, or spiritual. As you weigh the possible solutions consider the benefits and costs so you can determine the best solution.

6. Take action. Sometimes we just hope the situation will change without us having to do something. This rarely happens. Without direct action, debt grows, relationships can become more distant, and depression can deepen. Instead of waiting for others to shape your life, take action for yourself.

7. Evaluate and be open to change. Sometimes we sabotage our success by sticking to an ineffective plan. Just because you make a decision doesn’t mean you have to be stuck. Look to see if it’s working and if it isn’t consider ways you can either adjust the plan or change the plan. You don’t want to be too harsh to soon, shutting things down before they have an opportunity to work. Likewise you don’t want to stay in a dead-end situation when a better way of life is available to you.

Finally remember: never adopt a mindset where you see yourself as a problem-person. You are a person who may be facing some problems but at your core, you are capable of solutions, strength, and growth. Believe it!

Being a Good Romantic Partner

2010-03-27T22:29:00.001-07:00

Relationships can be challenging but rewarding. Here are some tips to help you be the best romantic partner you can be:

1. Feel good about yourself. When we enter a relationship feeling insecure and inadequate it negatively affects our ability to trust. When we feel bad about ourselves we often are more depressed, angry, irritable, and suspicious. Feeling good about yourself means taking the time and space to heal past wounds whether from past romantic partners or from childhood. You don’t want the baggage of the past to stand in the way of your present happiness. Additionally you want to feel good about yourself before you pick your partner. When we are in an emotionally wounded state, we often don’t make the wisest decisions. Work on you so you can be healthy and whole. Then you will be able to connect with healthier people.

2. Communicate. Even the best of partners cannot always read your mind. Allow yourself to be open and honest about your needs and wants. Being miserable and disappointed when your partner has no idea what went wrong is frustrating for both of you. Don’t assume your partner knows what you think, feel, or want. When you start off silencing yourself, you end up spending months or years stuffing your feelings and being unsatisfied. Speak up. Be compassionate, considerate, respectful, and loving but break the silence.

3. Put things in perspective. Remember not everything is “drama-worthy”. If you complain and nag about everything, your partner will not know what things are truly important to you. In other words, pick your battles and know when compromise is the key.

4. Be affectionate. Most people enjoy affirmation. Find creative and consistent ways to demonstrate and express your love. These may be verbal, physical, the gift of quality time, or helping your partner with things they need to get done. Find out the expressions of love that speak most to your partner. When people begin to doubt that you appreciate them or want to be with them it creates space for confusion. Make it a priority to let your partner know that you care and are excited about their presence in your life.

5. Be a good listener. Emotional intimacy is about being heard, understood, and accepted. Strive to be the safe place where your partner can express their thoughts, dreams, needs, and wants. You can do this by being observant to know when they feel most comfortable sharing, asking questions, and paying attention.

6. Avoid abusive and controlling behaviors at all times. Show love and respect for your partner. This means no verbal put-downs, hitting, punching, slapping, pushing, kicking, forced sexual activity, or emotional manipulation such as threats and deception.

A loving relationship can be an incredibly beautiful addition to your life, however past pain and failures can make us hesitant to become involved. Additionally many of us have not seen healthy models of relationships and aren’t sure how to do it. Follow the above tips to build a healthier and more successful relationship. Also don’t be afraid to seek additional help through self-help books, religious leaders, therapists, or people you know who are in successful relationships. It may feel awkward to ask for help, but isn’t love worth it? I believe it is.

Time Management

2010-03-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

When we look at what we need to do and look at the hours of the day, we can become overwhelmed. Poor time management includes procrastination, unrealistic expectations, and over-commitment. When we manage our time poorly we can end up feeling anxious, insecure, unproductive, and scattered. It is important that we get a handle on our over-scheduled lives so we can actually enjoy life.

First let’s consider the reasons some of us exercise poor time management. The first issue is feeling we have to prove ourselves based on what we do instead of simply being comfortable with who we are. This leads to over-commitment and trying to do a million things all of the time. You have to give yourself the message, “I am enough – good enough, smart enough, gifted enough, more than enough.” When we spend our lives trying to prove our worth to others and to ourselves we end up chasing something that should already be In our hands – self acceptance.

Another reason we often manage our time poorly is due to working hard instead of working smart. It is true that you have bills to pay, people to see, and projects to accomplish. It is also true that when we stretch ourselves too thin, we often miss the golden opportunities before us. We end up making decisions out of desperation that may not be the most effective decisions. We have to press pause and look realistic at our lives. What can you do now so that you don’t have to commit to living a life of hurried distraction?

Another reason we sometimes manage our time poorly is we have been able to get away with it. Many of us procrastinate and still are pretty much able to get the work done. When we keep pulling things together at the last minute, we send ourselves the message that “we work well under pressure” so there is no need to change. The truth is if you are able to do a good job by staying up the night before getting it done, then very likely you could have done a great job by actually investing time, energy, and effort. We have to make a decision. Do we simply want to check things off of a list or do we want to live with a spirit of excellence? If you want to truly let what you do represent your best, it’s time to make a change.

So here are a few tips to help you better manage your time:
1. Wake up early enough to nourish your spirit. If you start the day rushing, you’re going to feel distracted all day. Start with peace by giving yourself enough time in the morning to pray/meditate, listen to an uplifting song, read an inspiring passage, eat breakfast, and get ready at a pace that is comfortable and not chaotic.
2. Create achievable to-do lists. Avoid making lists that are impossible to complete. This only makes you feel bad about yourself. Be realistic about your goals.
3. Develop a plan to work smarter. If you need to make a certain amount of money to live, think about how to create multiple streams of income, how to decrease your commute or to use your commute to do something constructive, and how to develop your skills so you can be promoted and better compensated. Working exhaustingly long hours on low-paying jobs is a temporary solution. You need to develop a master plan for how to get to the next level.
4. Treat procrastination like the enemy that it is. Recognize what eats up your time and give yourself goals to get it under control. What do you need to cut back on and how much time are you going to cut back today? What is eating away at your time? Is it too much time watching television, talking on the phone, or surfing the web. You don’t have to cut out everything you find pleasurable but you need to set some limits. Make a commitment to yourself and then make it happen.
5. Finally remember the importance of balance. When there are multiple things that are important for you, you have to make time for them but also recognize that the more interests you have the less time you can devote to each. Some days you simply cannot do it all so determine overall in a given week how can you have balance between self care, work, family, friends, and your hobbies or interests.

If you try one approach and it is not working, give yourself permission to try a different approach until you find one that works for you. Time is a precious gift. Be mindful of how you use it. Deep breath in… and exhale.

Resisting Stereotypes, Discrimination, and Oppression

2010-03-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

When people believe that you and every one of your social category is inferior, it can be challenging to maintain a positive outlook. You may have been the victim of a hate crime or another act of discrimination based on your race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, disability, income, or even country of birth. Acts of bias include but are not limited to being denied access to housing, employment, legal protection, and school admission, being called derogatory names, being physically assaulted, being ignored or rejected, being profiled and unjustly prosecuted, and being consistently depicted in a negative light in the media. Oppression, such as racism and sexism are ugly realities that can chip away at your self esteem.

People are affected in different ways by negative stereotypes and discrimination. When it happens to you, you may experience depression, anger, shock, emptiness, or shame. Sometimes to cope with what has happened, you may deny it. It can even affect our relationships and who we trust. Some people will try to separate themselves from the group that is marginalized and this may mean being an African American who doesn’t like to spend time with other African Americans or being a woman who openly declares, “I don’t like dealing with women.” This type of internalized oppression is very damaging. On the other hand, some people who have experienced oppression respond by only spending time with members of their group as a way of trying to prevent future incidents from occurring. This can also be damaging in that you end up having to limit what you can do and where you can go. It also can result in intense stress when in the presence of those who are different than you.

Many of us have experienced some form of bias, negative stereotyping, or discrimination. It is so important to consider ways to take care of yourself so that you minimize the potential negative consequences of these violations. Here are a few pointers:
1. Be intentional about recognizing and celebrating the positive aspects about you both as an individual and as a member of a social group. You never want to define yourself from the perspective of those who fear or hate you. You want to invest in seeing the beauty and strength of being who you are.
2. When discrimination, hassles, put-downs, and disrespect occur, don’t ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen. Denial is not helpful. It can lead to shame, self-blame, and even physical signs of stress such as migraines or high blood pressure. Acknowledge it to yourself and then you can decide if there is a safe, constructive way for you to address it. This may mean speaking to the person directly, filing a complaint, building coalition with supportive allies, leaving the environment, working to raise awareness, or even pressing charges. Face the truth that the incident happened and then determine which option is best for you.
3. Create safe relationships where you can talk about the difficult and sometimes horrific things you have witnessed or experienced. Discrimination can be very painful and you shouldn’t have to carry that pain alone. You need people in your life you can talk with about it that won’t try to dismiss it or blame you for it.
4. Develop friendships with people of diverse backgrounds, including both members of your social group and other groups. It is not healthy to either run from who you are or to run from every social situation in which you are not in the majority. Spending positive, quality time with a diverse group of friends can improve your view of yourself, your ability to trust, and your view of others.
5. Make sure you choose positive coping strategies over destructive ones. When you have been put down, make sure you don’t seek comfort through cigarettes, alcohol, other drugs, over-eating, or (verbal or physical) violence. Instead cope with your feelings through constructive means like talking about it, using the arts, engaging in community organizing, reading inspirational books, and participating in activities that nurture your spirit.
6. A final tool of empowerment is choosing to actively work to end bias and discrimination. Getting active in your community, school, workplace, or city can be a great way of resisting oppression. You can also start on a personal level by speaking up when those who are close to you speak and behave in discriminatory ways. Each of us has the power to make a positive difference. Speak up and shatter the silence around oppression. Together we can turn things around.

Stress Management: Listen to your body

2010-03-03T17:42:00.000-08:00

There are times when we are stressed out and don’t fully realize it. This can happen when you are dealing with so much that you start to think that extreme stress is the norm. Often when you have to balance many responsibilities you may feel you don’t have time to stop, or reflect, or take care of yourself. The truth is when we ignore the stress we are carrying, there can be major consequences on our lives, physically, emotionally, socially, and financially. It is important to start paying attention to the warning signs of your stress before they explode. One way your distress can show up is in your body.

In psychology, there is a category of symptoms called somatic complaints. A somatic complaint is a physical symptom for which there is no medical explanation. These complaints can be migraines, muscle ache, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, backache, nausea, headaches, constipation, skin rash, and heartburn. It is important to know that your body is experiencing real pain and discomfort, even if the cause of it is anxiety, stress, or fear. A difficult part of the cycle is that your worries can create physical symptoms and then the symptoms can give you new reasons to worry. So for example, you may be worried about a relationship or money problems. This worry can show up in a rash or migraine and then you end up having this physical issue as another reason to worry.

So what are some ways to manage your concerns so they don’t have to take a toll on your health?
1. Get in touch with what you’re feeling instead of denying your concerns.
2. Be sure to get a physical so you don’t dismiss something as being psychologically caused when it may have a medical cause.
3. Seek out support from family, friends, and/or a counselor. Carrying the weight of your stress alone can eventually drain you. Reach out to others to receive help and support.
4. Engage in activities that bring you pleasure, enjoyment, happiness. Sometimes you have to press pause and take a mental break from your challenges.
5. Avoid negative coping activities such as addictions to alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs.
6. Get physical. Exercise in moderation can be a great way to release stress that you are holding in your body.
7. Try to think positively. When we have a doomsday mentality it increases vulnerability to depression and distress. Try to hold on to hope that things in your life can improve.

Pay attention to your body and take care of yourself – mentally, physically, and spiritually. When we try to avoid our issues, they find different ways to get our attention. Instead of being passive about your health, take ownership of the need to protect your mental and physical well-being. You are worth it.

Coping with Grief and Loss

2010-02-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

Loss is a part of life. Over the course of our lives we experience loss of relationships, things, people, and even ways of thinking about the world. In terms of losing people, you may have lost someone as a result of natural causes, disease, homicide, or suicide. We also lose people who are still alive but our relationship with them has ended. The connection may have ended because of simply growing a part, or as a result of a violation of trust, incarceration, infidelity, or those instances when the person does not share the reason for ending the relationship. Besides losing people, we may also experience loss of a job, loss of a pet, loss of safety, loss of health, and loss of financial stability. When we don’t deal with our grief and loss, the hurt feelings can be overwhelming and can result in a number of unhealthy behaviors such as isolating ourselves from others, developing a dependence on substances for escape, or other destructive activities. Loss can also lead to a range of feelings including but not limited to anger, guilt, fear, sadness, and numbness. It is important to face your loss directly and allow yourself to work through it honestly and at your own pace. Here are a few strategies to help you:
1. Consider and celebrate the positive things the person and the relationship brought to your life.
2. Find people with whom you can talk about the person, the relationship, and your loss. You don’t have to deal with it alone.
3. There are different types of loss so seek out more information on the specific type of loss you are experiencing. There are a number of sites on-line as well as self-help books.
4. Develop a ritual - some activity that allows you to remember and honor your memories. Rituals may include silent reflection, playing music, lighting a candle, reading a poem, or going to a place that reminds you of the person.
5. Your faith, spirituality, or religion can often provide insight and affirmation for the grieving process. Consider prayer, reading an inspiring text, or talking with your religious leader as potential sources of support.
6. Most cities have a number of bereavement and loss groups. Getting support from those facing similar experiences can be quite restoring. There are groups for persons who have lost someone due to cancer, addiction, incarceration, and violence. Do some research on-line to find out what groups are occurring in your area.
7. Take care of yourself. Due to the difficult feelings we are experiencing, we sometimes start neglecting ourselves. When you don’t care of yourself, you end up feeling worse. Try to get rest, eat healthy foods, exercise, and avoid holding stress in your body.
8. When grief and sorrow do not go away, it is a good idea to speak with a mental health professional to assist you through the grieving process.
9. Give yourself time and space to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Everyone responds to loss differently. You may cry often or you may feel the tears will never come. There is not one correct way to grieve. Instead of comparing your process to where someone else may be on the journey, honor yourself by recognizing and honestly expressing your feelings and thoughts.
10. Be aware of the “grief triggers” so you can be prepared. Examine what are the things, situations, dates, or places that remind you of the loss. In this way, you can be more equipped to work through those experiences with compassion and patience.

Remember good grief is honest grief. Be honest with yourself about where you are and where you would like to be. Then recognize that healing is a journey that requires facing our losses and not running from them. Be encouraged by knowing you don’t have to get through this alone. Remind yourself of the good memories as you hold on to the hope that there will be good life moments that you have yet to experience. This awareness will assist you in walking into the next season of your life.

Emotionally Abusive Relationships

2010-02-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people think as long as a person has not hit you, they have not been abusive. This is far from the truth. Abuse can take many forms including emotional abuse which is sometimes called psychological abuse. We have to take an honest look at our relationships to determine if there is a problem. Emotional abuse is a pattern or systematic way of diminishing or putting a person down. It includes behaviors toward a current or former dating partner that are engaged in as a way to control and maintain power. These behaviors can include degrading, terrorizing, isolating, or exploiting. Other strategies of emotional control and abuse in relationships include threats, humiliation, ridicule, undermining your self esteem, and frequent criticism. Some other indicators that you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship are feeling in fear of your partner, feeling you have to give in to sexual demands to avoid arguments, or feeling trapped in the relationship. Some emotionally abusive partners have a pattern of infidelity, steal money from you, run up your credit, or throw away or destroy your belongings.

If you are in or have been in an emotionally abusive relationship you may notice a number of ways it has affected you. These effects may include anxiety/worry, depression, feeling disconnected from your feelings, difficulty with trust and intimacy, anger, shame, questioning your faith, self-doubt, and post traumatic stress disorder (replaying the incidents in your mind, being on guard, avoidance).
While all relationships have their challenges and require effort to maintain, you have to make a distinction between the routine challenges of relationships and actually being in an abusive relationship. Overall the person you choose to spend your time with should be someone with whom you feel safer and more affirmed. If being with your partner makes you feel disregarded, rejected, unattractive, incompetent, inadequate, or afraid, it’s time to look honestly at the situation.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, you need to think seriously about ways to get out and get some help. You don’t have to handle it alone. Break the silence and shame and talk to someone. If their response is not supportive, talk to someone else. Love should not be a cover for fear and disrespect. You deserve better. The abuse needs to stop or you need to find a way to get out. Either way, the healing process will take some time. Give yourself space to heal because the wounds inflicted by those we love often hurt the deepest. Whatever you decide, remember you deserve a life free of abuse.

Love in Action: Keeping the Romance Alive

2010-02-12T21:40:00.000-08:00

Love is an action word. When we feel love, we act on it. There should be some evidence that how we say we feel is a reality. Love is enduring, considerate, tender affection for another person. There are various ways we can demonstrate our love. The following are some tips to keep in mind.

1. When you love someone, you show that you know them and what is important to them. I actually listen and observe so I can understand their feelings, views, and values. This also means I don’t give them gifts based on what I want but instead I give things that they will actually enjoy. It also means that at times I do things that I know they would appreciate without them having to ask.

2. When you love someone, you inspire the best in them instead of the worse. While you want to be comfortable with one another, there is an issue if we treat everyone else better than we treat each other. This applies to the way we speak to each other and the actions that we consider acceptable.

3. When you love someone, you don’t need a special occasion to show it. Birthdays, Christmas, and Valentine’s Days are nice opportunities to show how you care, but there is nothing better than a surprise show of affection that is not tied to any particular day or event.

4. When you love someone, there is no room in your relationship for fear, intimidation, threats, or games. You respect them and yourself enough to make the safety and health of the relationship a top priority.

5. When you love someone, you communicate your feelings and thoughts. Intimacy includes the mental, emotional, and spiritual. Until you open up to a person, you have not truly gotten to a place of full love.

6. When you love someone, you look for ways to affirm and encourage them and not demean them. When you ridicule and humiliate the person you are with, this is not a manifestation of love but emotional brokenness.

7. When you love someone and they do not want to be with you, you love them enough to let them go.

8. When you love someone from a pure place, you have to also love yourself. You recognize that you both have much to offer and both benefit from the relationship. The mindset that one person is upgrading the other or the belief that one person is lucky to be chosen by the other are both set-ups for imbalance and disrespect. See value in yourself and in the other person.

In this season, when so much attention is being given to love, make sure you have the real thing. Don’t confuse love with lust or love with control. So much more is available but it takes effort to find love and to keep it alive. It’s worth the investment!

Positive Thinking

2010-02-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

We have to look honestly at the messages we tell ourselves. Our thoughts affect our feelings and our behaviors. Our lives are shaped not just by our experiences but how we think about our experiences. Negative self talk includes such statements as, “I’m stupid. I’m ugly. I can’t. No one will ever love me or understand me or respect me.” All of these messages set us up for what is called a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” These type of prophecies or predication have power because I believe certain things about myself and then I make choices that lead to these things being confirmed. For example, the belief that I am stupid can manifest in my never going to class, sitting in classes where self doubt and anxiety make it difficult for me to pay attention, or instead of studying I find myself sitting for hours daydreaming about how horrible it will be when I fail. It is not difficult to see how these thoughts and behaviors lead to more failure and therefore confirm my belief that I am stupid. In order to experience life differently, we have to start in the thought realm. We have to challenge the myths we have come to believe about ourselves.

Let’s consider another example. When I believe I am ugly I may do a number of things that either keep positive attention away or that draw negative attention. I may hide myself with too many layers of make-up. I may hide myself by always keeping my hair in my face. I may always shrink in a crowd and go right to the back corner and wonder why no one ever approaches me. On the other hand to compensate for my belief that I am ugly I may offer myself sexually to anyone and everyone or I may drink heavily when I go out or I may respond with bitterness and distrust when people do approach me or I may constantly talk in a very loud voice as I try to get people to pay attention to me. All of these things started with my belief in my unworthiness. On the other hand, we have all seen examples of people who we found attractive not because they look objectively like a super model but because of their confidence or other aspects of them that shine. While it is true that the media promotes a very narrow idea of who qualifies as beautiful, we each have to decide how much we are going to believe in their standards. This belief has a ripple effect on our lives.

So what can we do?
1. Challenge the negative beliefs you hold about yourself and begin to make an effort to see the positive.
2. Allow yourself to consider your strengths, your gifts, and your abilities.
3. Avoid circumstances and people that promote negative ideas about you.
4. Get in more positive settings and around more positive people. One positive friend is much better than a whole group of “friends” who always bring you down.
5. Fake it until you make it. Even though you may still have doubt, connect with the part of you that believes it is possible that there is goodness, beauty, wisdom, and strength within you.
6. If you have tried this and not met success, you may want to consider counseling. Many people have found it helpful to get support as they work to transform their thinking.

Overall remember there is power in the messages you tell yourself so strive to think of yourself with compassion and self-love.

Adult Children of Alcoholics

2010-01-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

Growing up with a parent who suffers from alcoholism can have long lasting effects. Even as an adult, those early experiences remain with you and can have an impact on how you see yourself, your relationships, and the world in general. Three common rules learned by children who have an alcoholic parent are: Don’t speak, Don’t trust, and Don’t feel. You are told directly or indirectly not to talk to others about the pressure and issues in your home. You are taught that confronting a person on their issues is not an option. You are also taught not to trust. If you cannot trust those who are supposed to care for you, it becomes difficult to trust anyone else later in life. You also have to learn to control your feelings. Given the level of stress and chaos in the home, you learn early to suppress your feelings, needs, and fears. They are still present but hidden beneath the surface. As a child you make these adjustments in order to survive a difficult environment. As an adult you want to do more than survive, you want to figure out how to thrive.

The first key is recognizing the ways in which your childhood years have affected you today. For some this means coming to terms with the fact that denial is not the best coping strategy. For so long, the alcohol or other substance abuse problems may have been denied so you learned to pretend things were OK when they are not. You have to come to terms with the reality. The things you were exposed to were not OK and were not healthy.

Another issue is the need to release perfectionism. When you live with an alcoholic parent, you often end up walking on egg shells, trying to figure out how you can be good enough to either change your parent or good enough to not end up like them. The reality is you are a good person and all of us have faults, short-comings, and growth areas. While it is good to strive to become a better person, you don’t want to hold yourself to impossible standards and fail to appreciate the great steps you have taken. You especially don’t want to pass down perfectionism to your children, leaving them with the feeling that nothing is ever good enough. You can break this cycle.

One challenge to work on in yourself is either/or thinking which some people call viewing the world in black or white terms. Sometimes because of the pain you saw growing up, you can be quick to cut people off. You may do this to protect yourself but you want to be able to live with balance and not automatic assumptions and extremes.

Some adult children of alcohols who couldn't acknowledge their emotional pain ended up expressing their distress in their bodies. This is called somatic complaints – or physical complaints for which there is not a medical explanation. You may experience muscle ache, back pain, migraines, and nausea. By acknowledging your feelings and expressing them to people you trust, you can often experience a decrease in some of these physical symptoms of distress.

One final issue to address is difficulty letting go. When you grow up in a highly stressed household you always have to be on guard. Now however, you have to begin to separate the past from the present so you can actually learn to relax. Give yourself permission to have fun, to build trusting, comfortable relationships, and be at home with yourself.

This is not an easy journey as you are trying to turn around messages you received for many years. However awareness is a large step toward wholeness. To continue on your journey read about adult survivors of alcoholics on-line or at the local library, consider counseling, talk with supportive people, and take ownership for your present life. Take a deep breath as you consider how far you have come.

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

2010-01-20T17:11:00.000-08:00

Child abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. The range of experiences can include neglect, humiliation, routine physical assaults, or molestation. As an adult, survivors of childhood abuse may feel frustrated with themselves for still carrying the wounds of past experiences. It is important to be compassionate with yourself and recognize the truly deep ways we are affected by our early experiences. As children and adolescents we are figuring out who we are and our identity is largely shaped by how people treat us. Even if the abuse or neglect happened decades ago it may affect you in a number of ways.

Sometimes adult survivors have challenges with trust issues. You may have difficult trusting others or even trusting yourself. You may also find it difficult to relax and as a result you feel on edge most of the time. Being guarded or distrustful can make relationships difficult. Some survivors carry the trauma in their bodies which means you may for as long as you can remember suffer from migraines, nausea, or muscle ache. Childhood sexual abuse may affect your ability to be intimate, to feel good about your body, or your ability to sleep. Whether you suffer with depression, post traumatic stress, or dependence on substances such as alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs, it is important to know that help is available.

Given the prevalence of child abuse and neglect, you are very likely surrounded by other survivors who simply have not shared their stories. It is critical to know that you are not alone and that is normal for you to be affected by the way you were treated. Recognizing that your past affects you but doesn’t have to define you is also a key to your recovery. You will not be able to erase the past but you can take ownership over your present and work to live a healthier life. Feeling better about yourself and your abilities are important priorities. There are a few strategies for life after abuse that I want to share with you:

1. Continue to remind yourself that you are not and were not to blame for how you were treated as a child. As an adult you may better understand what your parents or others were thinking or dealing with but the challenges they were facing does not make what happened to you OK.
2. Seriously consider going for counseling. Seeking help is a sign of strength not weakness. People often invest in their physical health and should also invest in their mental health.
3. Challenge negative thoughts instead of holding on to them. Start to change the way you think about yourself and others by interrupting negative thinking patters.
4. Use positive coping strategies instead of negative strategies. Reading, exercise in moderation, artistic expression, talking to a friend, and journaling are all good options.
5. Commit to breaking the cycle. You do not have to become like those who hurt you. Commit to building healthy relationships. You can interrupt the negative patterns and create healthy ones in their place.

Compassion: Considering Haiti

2010-01-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday an earthquake hit Haiti leaving countless dead, injured, and missing. This crisis can lead us to a place of growth or can result in us cutting ourselves off. The key here is compassion or the capacity to feel the connection, strong empathy, and concern for those who are suffering. This disaster presents an opportunity for us to realize the fullness of our humanity as sisters and brothers around the world. Unfortunately, some of us have difficulty with compassion. An inability to experience sincere care for others is often rooted in either an over-focus on the self or fear and avoidance. On the other hand, some people’s compassion becomes so overwhelming that they are immobilized by grief for the all of the suffering in the world. Healthy compassion that is from a balance and grounded place is important. Here are a few keys to keep in mind.

First it is important to know that emotions are a good and healthy part of our experience. Some of us have lived with the myth that emotions are pointless or only make us weak. Actually being able to tap into and express your feelings is a true sign of emotional strength. Seeing large-scale suffering may result in a mixture of feelings including but not limited to sadness, anger, frustration, survival guilt, and fear. Often when we don’t connect with our feelings we end up letting them out in unhealthy ways such as being quick-tempered or destructive. We may even experience signs of depression but are not aware of the cause of our deep sadness. It is important for us to remind ourselves that feeling emotions, even the painful ones, are a part of living full lives.

Secondly some of us dehumanize or blame those who are suffering as a strategy for relieving our guilt for not helping. We have seen this throughout human history from slavery and the holocaust to rape and child abuse. We even see people blaming victims by using religion. Some people have said the earthquake hit Haiti because Haitians made a pact with the devil. This response to human suffering is damaging, immoral, and psychologically stunted. The truth is bad things do happen to good people. Instead of trying to create a rationale to justify a person’s suffering, the humane response is to determine how we can help.

This leads to the third point. Some of us avoid the news and world events because we feel overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness. In actuality we can make a difference, even if it seems small in our eyes. Small action is ten times better than no action. So what can we do in the face of suffering? We can bear witness by listening and making ourselves aware of the situation. We can raise awareness in others by sharing what we know. Then we can give. We can give through prayer, donations, contributions, and advocacy for those in need of care.

The final point I want to make about compassion is the importance of seeing a person, community, or country completely not merely as victims or lacking. We should aim to see others the way we want to be seen. In other words the suffering is a part of the person’s experience but it is not all that they are. Haiti has faced many challenges including poverty, oppression, political corruption, and natural disasters. These things however do not come close to capturing the strength, beauty, culture, and rich history that is Haiti. I heard someone say today, “Well I was so sad about what happened in Haiti but then someone told me it wasn’t a good country anyway.” Wow! Let us all be careful that we never view people as either deserving of suffering or undeserving of our compassion. A person who does not care about others is in need of intense care themselves. Compassion is a key aspect of emotional well-being.

De-Stress

2010-01-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

There are seasons we can be overwhelmed with stress. It may be that you have many things to do or everything seems to fall apart at once. There are different areas of stress such as financial, relationship, or work. There are also different degrees of stress. You may experience the low stress of simply having to juggle multiple responsibilities or you may encounter the severe stress of a major life event. Stress can eat away at your physical and mental health. When we don’t deal with our stress, it often balloons into larger issues with incredible consequences. There are a number of good strategies to help you to de-stress.

The first thing is perspective taking. You want to get an accurate sense of the situation. Are you letting everything stress you out, small and large or are you truly facing a difficult circumstance? When you are not in a good place emotionally, you can find yourself irritable and easily distressed. You need to take some time to really look at the circumstance to decide is this a mountain or a molehill.

Along with perspective taking, emotion-focused coping is helpful to many people in addressing feelings of sadness, disappointment, frustration, and anger. You want to find people and activities that help you relieve your feelings of distress. This may mean talking to a supportive friend, therapist, or minister. It may also mean reading a self-help book for inspiration. For some of you, emotional relief may be found in working out, writing, cooking, singing, listening to an encouraging speaker, or meditating.

In addition to emotion-focused coping, you will also need some problem-solving coping skills. You need to brainstorm about potential ways to address the issues. Weigh the pros and cons of each option. Begin to take action steps to improve your situation. The problem solving may involve a range of things including but not limited to: ending a relationship, seeking couples counseling, taking on an additional job, going back to school, creating a new budget, filing a complaint, setting boundaries, seeking professional help, or attempting to resolve a conflict by talking it over with the person involved.

Here are a few more strategies to help you de-stress:
• Set realistic goals.
• Reduce time with stressful people and stressful situations.
• Get rest.
• Set priorities by knowing what is really important to you.
• Deep breathing, visualizing, meditating, and/or prayer.
• Don’t turn to things that will make your situation worse: drugs, alcohol,
over-eating, casual high-risk sex, smoking, and caffeine.
• Learn to release and let go. Accept the fact that some circumstances
are outside of your realm of influence
• Practice better time management and money management.
• Change your attitude. Learn to shift your thinking and your focus to obtain greater peace of mind and clarity.

All of us face challenges. Take care of yourself before, during, and after the various storms of life, so you can maximize your mental and physical well-being.

Forgiveness

2009-12-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness is the letting go of bitterness and resentment resulting from an offense. Most major religions promote the importance of forgiveness. From a mental health perspective, being unable to release negative feelings can result in a sense of despair, rage, powerlessness, and depression. There are a few key points to remember about forgiveness.

First you need to be able to take perspective about the level of the offense. In other words, if everything anyone ever says or does rises to the level of severe offense, you will find yourself constantly angry and bitter. In essence, not everything is drama-worthy. On the other side of this coin are those of us who do not recognize when someone has indeed crossed the line in a significant way. If you constantly ignore offenses and various forms of disrespect, this is also not a good place to be in terms of self care and self respect. You want to get perspective such that you can distinguish serious offenses from more minor offenses.

A second key to forgiveness is recognizing it is a process. Process implies both time and effort. In terms of time, some people jump to quickly say they have forgiven someone when they haven’t given themselves time to process all of their feelings. This may result in forgiveness that is in words alone but the actual bitterness, sadness, and anger are still under the surface waiting to bubble up. It is natural and healthy to experience a range of emotions and it is important to give yourself space to work through those feelings. The working through is the process. In others words, it is not true that time heals all wounds. Time passing alone is not sufficient. If you want to forgive yourself or someone else for an offense you need to actively work toward it in your mind. You need to acknowledge the impact of what occurred and then work to heal those wounds.

A third element to forgiveness is the need to determine when to forget and when to remember. Some people will say if you remember it, you haven’t really forgiven. This is not always the case. One way to determine if you should actively remember it is whether the person has shown evidence of being truly sorry and committed to change. Here is an example. If you were molested as a child, you may have decided for your mental health to forgive or release the bitterness toward the person who molested you. However to pretend it never happen by letting that person watch your children is unhealthy. Likewise if you are in abusive relationship and the person has promised to change but continues to abuse you, you need to remember the pattern of abuse regardless of your decision to forgive. On the other hand, if a friend, family member, or romantic partner has hurt your feelings but has expressed in word and deed regret for their behavior and a commitment to being better, then you may choose to totally release it. Releasing it in this case may include both not dwelling on the past in your mind or continuing to bring up the past to the person who has changed.

The ability to forgive yourself and others is an important spiritual and emotional skill. It can free you from having to harbor resentment and anger. It also shows that you recognize that all of us are imperfect. It is wisdom and compassion that allows us to look at the whole person instead of reducing them to their negative deeds. In the end, it is for you to decide for your safety and growth, when and whom to forgive. For it to truly liberate you, it needs to come from the heart.

The Psychology of Clutter

2009-12-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

As you prepare to enter into a new season, it is a good time to commit to living a clutter-free life. This can be a challenge to those of us who hold on to things and end up living surrounded by stuff. If we don’t heal our mindset, we can de-clutter today but new piles of stuff will appear tomorrow. So to really have a life change, let’s take a moment to consider the psychology of clutter.

For some of you, the tendency to clutter is based in past experiences of not having your basic needs met. You may have grown up in poverty or you may have been neglected. As a result, you really cherish stuff and end up hoarding things with the fear that one day you may need them. You may feel that you don’t want to throw something out that it is in good condition because that may seem wasteful or unappreciative to you. The beauty of the situation is you appreciate things that many people take for granted. The difficulty is you end up holding on to so much that you don’t have room to live and enjoy your space. Work on trusting that you don’t need to constantly live in preparation for an emergency. Try to live in the present and to see the way your behavior is limiting your present happiness and/or the happiness of those around you. Also consider being willing to bless someone else’s life with the many things that you have. Things that are in good condition but that are not being used are perfect items to donate and share with those who are living with less than you have right now.

There are another group of people who are suffering from depression and low self worth. You literally have difficulty mustering the energy to clean your space. You also may feel some sense of balance that your outside world matches your inner world: turmoil and confusion. You may try to clean up a little for others but don’t value yourself enough to believe you deserve to be in a clean environment for yourself. You rationalize this by saying the mess doesn’t bother you. The reality is your space can affect your mood so continuing to live in clutter is actually supporting your depressed mood. Consider going for counseling to address your underlying issues. In the meantime, try what is called a behavioral approach which means to change my thoughts and feelings I start by changing my behavior. So if you start to clear your space, in the cleansing you may also experience an internal cleansing and renewal.

There is another mindset around clutter which is a lack of responsibility. Some of us are just waiting for someone else to do it. You may have grown up in an environment where things were always done for you by parents, siblings, or housekeepers. As a result, it never occurs to you to cleanse and organize your space yourself. You see the piles growing but unconsciously or consciously you hope someone will come and just take care of it: the pile of dishes, the pile of clothes, and the pile of papers just keep mounting. The truth is you are an adult and need to take responsibility for your space. You have two options. You need to do it or if you can afford to you need to pay for someone to help you do it. If you pay for help, you still need to take responsibility for keeping up with your space in the in between time so that you are not living in clutter and filth.

Heal your mind and cleanse your space. You deserve a fresh start and there’s no better time than the present.

Addressing Addiction

2009-12-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

There are many forms of addiction. Some of you may be addicted to alcohol or other drugs, while others may be addicted to shopping, sex, pornography, gambling, cutting, compulsive exercise, internet use, or overeating. Addictions are largely a symptom of an underlying issue. They are a compulsion to do a particular activity even though it has negative consequences for you, physically, mentally, socially, and/or financially. We use our addictions to cope with pain, disappointment, anger, depression, fear, and insecurity. To address our addictions, we have to be honest with ourselves about what we are medicating. What are we trying to numb, forget, or erase with our behaviors? When we really look at it, we will discover not only what we’ve been trying to cover up with our addictions but we will also discover that the addiction has not helped us. Using substances to distract us from the substance of the problem is never successful in the long run. It is a temporary fix and often our tolerance increases so we need more and more to try to give us a glimpse of peace. We begin to drink more, smoke more, hook up more, shop more, gossip more, eat more, all in an attempt to escape. But as the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are. We cannot escape ourselves so it is better in the long run to face ourselves and confront the issues that are under the covers.

To address addictions, we have to first acknowledge that the behavior is unhealthy. Take responsibility for the ways you have used substances, food, credit cards, or casual sexual encounters in a manner that does not serve you or benefit you. We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. By stopping the denial, we interrupt the silence and shame and gain the courage to face our issues.

The next thing you need to do is get around supportive people. This may be family, friends, therapists, sponsors, an AA group, or your faith community. You need to surround yourself with people who are supportive of the changes you are trying to make. When we are constantly with people that encourage unhealthy behaviors, it is hard to make a change. These also need to be people you can truly be honest with and accountable to for the decisions you make. Resist the shame and stigma that often keeps people from seeking professional help. Addictions are a major challenge and you deserve the support you need to heal and empower yourself.

Another key to addressing addictions is replacing the addictive behavior with a positive coping strategy. The way you are currently coping is not good for you. You need to try other strategies such as talking to someone you trust, meditation, prayer, healthy amounts of exercise, problem solving, relaxation, and engaging in activities/hobbies that boost your self esteem. Develop an action plan of activities you will do both when you are feeling stressed and as a prevention tool to improve your mood before negative things occur.

A final important key is the use of positive self-talk. Often we give ourselves self-defeating messages such as, “I am a bad person. It’s too late for me. I’m stuck. Nothing is going to work for me. I’m hopeless.” These statements increase our feelings of guilt, shame, and despair. You have to begin to challenge those thoughts when they come up. Everyone may have a negative thought pop up from time to time but you can decide how you respond to it. Instead of feeding it and freely accepting it, challenge it. There is more to you that the addiction. With support, your life can improve. Your life and health are worth fighting for so be encouraged and begin to address your addictions today.

The Value of Volunteerism

2009-12-04T10:59:00.000-08:00

Being selfish and overly self-centered can result in a very limited view of life. It can create a narrow view of the world and a sense of emptiness. A part of discovering your purpose is found in being generous – giving of yourself, your skills, and your resources to benefit the larger society, the world beyond your living room. Volunteerism can have real mental health benefits.

Volunteerism can give you a sense of purpose, meaning, and significant impact. Sometimes we get caught in a limited routine of simply working a job for money to pay bills. In essence, for greater meaning we need to contribute to something of greater significance. By giving to help humanity, cleaning up community, and preserving the environment, you can get in touch with your connection to the world around you.

Volunteerism can also increase your sense of self efficacy which is simply your ability to make a difference. Some people see problems around them and choose to close their eyes, surrendering to a sense of powerlessness. By taking action, you empower yourself with the knowledge that no matter how small, your life and decisions can make a difference.

Volunteerism can also increase a sense of community. A part of depression is a sense of isolation or disconnection. By volunteering with a community, national, or international organization, you can awaken within yourself a sense of community that stretches across people of all walks of life.

Finally and most importantly it is important to know that although some people may have less than you materially, they may also have more than you in spirit, heart, and even wisdom. As we give to others we also receive. You may receive a refreshing way of looking at life, at seeing the importance of gratitude, and at surviving adversity.

To make a difference in the world and within yourself, consider becoming a volunteer. In giving you will receive.

De-bunking Myths about Depression

2009-11-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

Depression is a serious mental health issue. It can make it difficult, if not impossible to leave the house. It can result in loss of connection to family, friends, employment, and the things that used to be pleasurable. In the most severe situations it can result in suicide. Often depression is not recognized and people do not receive the help and support they need. It is important to challenge some of the myths that currently exist about depression.

Myth #1: Depression is a sign of weakness.
This could not be further from the truth. Depression strikes people from all walks of life. It is not something that just hits one type of personality. In truth, people who have struggled with depression are some of the strongest people you will meet. To simply get out of bed, bathe, get dressed, eat, and get out of the house can take more effort than those who take these actions for granted. Instead of judging people who are facing depression and telling them to “just get over it”, the more compassionate and helpful approach is to consider what they have had to carry to get from where they started.

Myth #2: If you are a spiritual/religious person, you will never face depression.
This is also not true. There have been throughout history, wonderful people of faith who have had to endure serious bouts of depression. Faith does not erase depression but for many people it gives them encouragement to keep trying to press forward.

Myth #3: Therapy is for rich people without friends and medication is a crutch.
These unfortunate myths keep many people from getting the support they need and deserve. Mental health rights are for everyone, not a select few. There are many counseling agencies that provide free and low-cost mental health support. Additionally being a friend is not the same thing as being a therapist. Being a therapist is a professional caring service based on education, experience, and a desire to help others. It is not just based on one person giving their opinion or advice in the moment but based on key concepts that have been found over many years of study to be helpful in improving the well-being of individuals, families, and communities.

In terms of medication, some people have such severe symptoms of depression that they are left unable to fight for their lives and emotional well-being. Medication should not be used as a substitute for dealing with your life issues but it can definitely be a source of help by reducing the symptoms enough for you to be able to work on the challenges before you.

So here are a few facts.
Some of the symptoms of depression are:
• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do
not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Some strategies to help combat depression are:
• Therapy
• Medication
• Eat a healthy diet
• Exercise
• Spiritual Practices
• Expressing your feelings through art or to someone you can trust
• Relaxation
• Avoiding or reducing things that are causing you stress
• Challenging negative thoughts by looking at the evidence
• Building supportive relationships

If you or someone you care about is facing depression, know that you don’t have to carry it alone. Resist the shame and be willing to reach out for help. You are worth fighting for. Your mental health needs to be a top priority.

Healthy Sexuality

2009-11-15T00:10:00.000-08:00

Your sexuality is connected to not only your body but also your mind, heart, and spirit. There are a number of tips to help you build a healthy sense of your sexuality. The first thing is to recognize that your sexuality is a natural and beautiful part of who you are. Some people have been raised to believe their bodies and their sexuality are their enemies or are evil, dirty, and bad. Others may have had past experiences of sexual violation, abuse, or assault. These experiences can create serious barriers to healthy intimacy; you have to work to break the mental trigger that makes an automatic connection between sex and shame. The truth is that your body and sexuality are sacred, beautiful aspects of who you are.

Another challenge is when people based on past experiences have come to believe that sexuality is merely a means or tool for them to obtain attention or resources. When sexuality is associated with game playing and manipulation it robs you from a having a truly fulfilling experience. Access to your body should not be the price you must pay for housing, shoes, money, or a return phone call. Your body is a temple and should be respected as a part of you while recognizing that it is only a part of you. When you or others reduce your worth to your sexuality alone, so much more is diminished and ignored.

An additional challenge is the fact that some women based on negative past experiences have concluded that sexual intimacy is something that women simply have to endure and that it is only for the enjoyment of men. This is far from the truth. The pleasure of intimacy and affection are available to men and women; even if you have not had the experience of fulfillment, know that with time and care you can enjoy your sexuality.

Another myth is that remaining committed to one person sexually is either impossible or has to be boring. The truth is with a foundation of trust, comfort, respect, and love, you can experience the freedom of creativity and spontaneity that makes intimacy exciting, fun, and nourishing for your body, heart, mind, and spirit. Instead of taking each other for granted and falling into a routine, begin to think out of the box. Shake things up. Do something new.

So in summary to embrace your sexuality in a more healthy and growth-promoting way:
• Resist the negative myths and associations connected to your sexuality
• Choose to celebrate healthy sexuality instead of carrying shame
• Remember that your sexuality is a part of you but not all that you have to offer
• Don’t use sexuality as a tool, weapon, or strategy for manipulation
• Hold on to the belief that sexuality can be enjoyable even if you have yet to experience it that way
• Be willing to explore the ways intimacy can be most fulfilling for you, recognizing that we are all unique
• Consider the ways commitment can open the door for creative, enjoyable intimacy

Your Faith & Your Mental Health

2009-11-08T00:02:00.000-08:00

Many people report using religious or spiritual practice as a way to cope with stress. Spiritual and religious involvement can include but is not limited to prayer, religious service attendance, watching religious programs, reading/studying religious texts, religiously motivated artistic expression, and religiously motivated volunteerism/service/activism. Spirituality refers to the internal reflection and path of growth through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. Religion involves membership and participation is a community of believers who share a set faith. From a mental health perspective, there can be benefits from both the individual time of spiritual practice as well as the connection to a faith-based community.

The benefits of religious and spiritual practice are reported by people at all different stages of life. For teens, religious involvement is associated with decreased criminal activity, substance use, and high risk sexual activity. For college students, involvement with campus ministries has been found to be associated with more effective coping, less doctor visits, and higher scores on measures of psychological well-being. Among older adults, religious involvement has been associated with better physical health, lower depression, and greater social support. In addition, across the lifespan, a number of positive relationships have been associated with prayer. Specifically both younger and older people who engage in prayer increasingly report better health, less hypertension, less stress, more positive feelings, less depression, and a greater capacity to handle stress.

Along with the blessings that come directly from taking time to center on our spirits, there are a number of ways through which religion and spirituality may benefit us. Religious teachings can encourage a positive, optimistic world view, a meaning and purpose to life, and a sense of hope and empowerment. Through prayer and other religious activities people may feel they can affect the outcome of their lives and in this way not feel powerless or helpless. There is also the sense of social support that can be provided by members of the religious community.

It is important to also be aware that religion and spirituality can be associated with negative outcomes. The major distinction between positive and negative religious coping is one’s understand of the nature of God. Having an understanding of God as a source of love and affirmation is immensely more health promoting than adopting an understanding of God as the cruel punisher who is out to condemn you.

At the same time, we see opposing responses to mental illness on the part of religious organizations. There are numerous examples, historically and currently, of religious communities exhibiting the greatest compassion and care for those suffering with mental illness. On the other hand, there are also many examples of religious organizations and leaders condemning and even demonizing those facing mental health challenges. We have to choose the positive over the negative.

Holistic health requires that we see the connections between mind, body, and spirit. We need to invest time, energy, and resources in caring for the health of our total beings. Most importantly adopt spiritual practices and beliefs that are edifying and not destructive. Invest time in caring for your soul, nourishing your spirit, and restoring your mind. Seek wholeness!

Healing Your Self Worth

2009-10-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

There are those of us who have experienced multiple abuses, traumas, betrayals, and violations. When this happens it is only natural to begin to feel you are not as worthy of protection or value as others who have not had these experiences. This is especially the case when there were persons who knew what was happening to you and did not intervene. The challenge here is to not let the way others treat you dictate the way you feel about yourself.

The language that comes to mind is a term that we often think about on a large scale, but not as an individual and the term is “human rights”. Fundamentally there are certain things that no one should be subjected to and the violations that happened to your body, heart, mind, or spirit should not have occurred. When people trespass your boundaries and trust that reflects something about them and not something about you.

Even though people may not have recognized your worth, you are worthy of respect, kindness, compassion, and concern. Dysfunction in individuals, families, communities, and even nations manifest itself in various forms of abuse. While there are things each of us can do to reduce the risk of violation, the truth is violation happens every day to people of all walks of life.

In terms of the healing journey, it is very difficult to believe in a “you” that contradicts the “you” that others have tried to define; however this is exactly what you need to do. The truth is you are not ugly. You are not stupid. You are not worthless. Once you begin to shed the shame and challenge the lies, you will get a glimpse of your true identity. This process can be challenging and many find the support of a therapist very helpful along the way. There are, additionally, a number of things you can do for yourself:

• Listen and discern which people in your life promote positive messages about you versus those who seek to bring you down. Spend time with the positive and minimize or eliminate time with the negative.

• Recognize and interrupt yourself from engaging in negative self-talk about your worth.

• Examine the evidence: Look honestly at the things you have managed to get right. The list may be short but the more confident you feel the more you will be able to see your strengths.

• Determine the root of the myths. Who told you these degrading things about yourself and how did it benefit them for you to believe these myths? On the other hand, how will it affect you and those around you if you begin to think more positively about yourself?

• Be patient with yourself. When you have endured a lot, it takes time to heal.

Remember most of all that there is no room for abuse and no excuse for violation. It is important that a part of you holds on to this truth. When you can begin to glimpse this reality, you will feel differently and become more comfortable living a life of fulfillment and empowerment.

Life Balance

2009-10-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

There are times that we can get consumed by our career, ambition, work, and to-do lists. This can lead to stress on our minds, bodies, and spirits. It is so important that we learn to live in balance. Being successful professionally while our families fall a part is very problematic. Likewise climbing the corporate or educational ladder but neglecting our spirits is a set-up for an unfulfilled life. When we don’t live in balance, we end up burned out. When we don’t live in balance, we end up confused and frustrated by the seeming contradiction between vast emptiness next to a growing list of accomplishments, promotions, or degrees.

At the same time, there are those of us who live off-balance in the other direction. When we spend all of our time in leisure mode we also can experience a sense of dissatisfaction. Hours of reality television, perpetual napping, snacking, and shopping can heighten feelings of depression. Even in the realm of spirituality, there is a saying that “some people are so heaven-bound that they are no earthly good”. In other words, if all my focus is on eternity, I can miss out on the blessing of the present moment.

So we have to strive to live with balance. Work, leisure, family, community, generosity, and spirituality are all important parts of life. The only way to fit them all in is to make time. We have to be pro-active about our schedules. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for every purpose under the sun. Make time to pursue your passion, take time to rest, create space and time to be with those you love, protect time and resources to share with those beyond your immediate circle, and definitely carve out time to do those things that nourish your spirit. When we live in balance, we experience greater satisfaction and we are better able to show up to the task at hand without bitterness, fatigue, or frustration.

Assess your life. Does your schedule reflect your priorities? To be realistic, I know sometimes we have to work longer hours given our financial situation. Even with those demands, make time for you even if it means waking up earlier so you can start your day from a place of balance. It may also mean looking down the road to determine if this is the pace at which you want to live your life. If it is not, what can you begin to do now so that in the future you can shift to a place of better balance? That may mean going back to school or a training program. It may mean looking for a position at a different location or it may mean turning off the internal voice that is seeking to measure your worth by your level of busyness. While there are external pressures, you can make living in balance a valued priority that guides your decision making in every aspect of your life.

Press pause and seek balance. Breathe and balance.

Heal Your Relationship With Money

2009-10-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

The way you think and feel about money creates and sustains financial habits that can benefit you or harm you. Take a moment to think about the messages you learned growing up about money. Did your parents or guardians demonstrate to you materialism, greed, generosity, or good budgeting? Regardless of how much money you earn, your decisions can waste or maximize your resources. Let’s consider some of the money mindsets that need to be healed.

First there are those of us who feel that possessions determine our self worth. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, no amount of name brand clothing, shoes, or jewelry will fill our inner void. When we look for indicators of financial wealth to validate who we are as people, we end up spending money we don’t have to impress people we don’t know. We sometimes see this on college campuses where students who come from the most financial need are often the best dressed. In those instances, we are trying to avoid the appearance of poverty. We want to prove we belong and look for the outer appearance to give us credibility. Another example is when everything is falling a part in our lives and we do retail therapy. We go and buy things for the temporary happiness, not realizing that our true emptiness has not been addressed. We have to begin to place priority on working on the inner person before dressing the outer person. We have to begin to put our financial priorities in line with our life priorities. We have to decide if we want to look like a million bucks while being miserable or do we want to invest our resources in things that will actually transform our lives for the better.

Another money mindset difficulty is found in those of us who have inherited a sense of guilt about success. It is not horrible to have money, wealth, or status. The issue is what we do with what we have. Are we greedy or generous? Are we arrogant or kind? For those who grew up without or who grew up with religious teachings that equated wealth with sin, you may have mixed feelings about obtaining financial success. You may feel that you have somehow left behind your community, your family, or your sense of who you are. You do not have to sabotage your success in other to “keep it real” or in order to be a good person. You can be an authentic, appreciative, socially conscious, compassionate person of financial success if you make those your life values and commit to them. Recognize the opportunity and privileges that have been given to you and pass on the blessing to others through resources, information, and your time. What you have doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else. You dictate your worth by the way you live your life.

One more money mindset challenge is one that is dominated by emotional distress. When I let fear dictate my money habits, I have to hoard my possessions and can never share. When I let shame dictate my money habits, I feel unworthy of nice things and so, even when I can afford to make other decisions, I live in and dress in conditions that re-affirm my shame. When I let denial dominate my money habits, I do not open my bills and refuse to make a budget. We have to come to a place of affirmation. When we approach our finances from a place of empowerment, discipline, and esteem, we can live with greater financial freedom.

Assertiveness: Come out of the box

2009-10-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

We all have experiences that can leave us feeling boxed in, silenced, or powerless. People who assert themselves can be labeled trouble makers or demanding and yet we also see the very real cost of denying our needs. To understand our tendency to stifle ourselves, it is important to consider the roots. This may be uncovered in part in by thinking about the models you saw growing up. How did your parents or the persons who raised you handle conflict? Were you shown on a regular basis a lack of response in the face of intolerable situations?

Sometimes we have been placed in a box by cultural oppression. People may use unhealthy religious teachings to require your silence. Some faith teachings focus on women being subservient in the face of toxic, abusive situations or they may teach that all people should quickly forgive and forget no matter the offense. This does not leave space for healthy assertiveness or the confrontation of issues that need to be addressed. Culturally we may have also been taught by those within or outside of our community that going with the flow of things, even when they are not just, is the only way to survive. Finally sometimes we have had our voice, power, assertiveness taken through other traumatic experiences such as abuse, assault, and other forms of violence.

Regardless of what or who placed you in the box, it is important for your emotional well-being and livelihood that you come out. A part of being healthy is being able to communicate your identity, thoughts, and feelings. Of course to communicate those things I have to first know what they are. In other words, if I am asserting something I have no clarity about, it creates confusion. So first get clear about who you are and what you want. Then consider the dynamics. Successful assertiveness requires that you consider the timing, place, and person. Truth-telling is important but you can make or break the experience by when and where you choose to do it. We have to also consider the recipient of our communication. People have different personalities so if I respond to all people in a cookie cutter formulaic way, I will not reap the best benefits out of my social interactions. We lose out in some circumstances not because of what we had to say but the way in which it was said. When considering what to say, along with timing and content, be mindful that you are communicating clearly and when possible, calmly. There is nothing like attempting to assert yourself and no one knows what you are talking about. It is also not helpful when we are so overwhelmed that instead of tuning into our message, people became distracted by the level of our distress. Try to take a few deep breaths, before and during your communication. Don’t apologize for what you have to say. Look at the person directly. Convey a sense of seriousness. As we create an environment for mutual respect, we transform the situation for the better. Come out of the box and express yourself.

Self care

2009-10-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

We live very busy lives, running between responsibilities, and attempting to balance many different hats. We need to schedule time for self care. We have to make the nourishing and resting of our spirits a priority. When we constantly give without making time to receive, we end up burned out, frustrated, irritated, and less productive. Running on empty, results in bodies and minds that one day protest in emotional and physical distress. There are many symptoms of stress and strain that we can prevent by routinely pressing pause on our lives.

Take time to rest, restore, reflect, and stretch. The truth is we often micro-manage, stress over things that are not important, and over-commit. We may over-commit because we are trying to prove ourselves or because we are uncomfortable setting boundaries. Self care however is necessary for your health. We have to learn to say “no” to some things, so we can say “yes” to thinks that truly matter to us.

Living life eating out of vending machines or drive thru windows does not honor the sacredness of our temples. Living life without resting does not honor our health. There are occasional times when we have to sacrifice to meet a deadline or complete a special project but that should not be our normal state of being. Re-order your life such that you can work smart and not just work hard. Make your emotional and physical well-being a priority and protect time for you.

Self care begins with your morning routine. Instead of waking up at the last minute and having to run out of the door, make a point of rising early enough for you to get centered and grounded to start your day from a calm place. There are ways that you can re-set the pace of your life. Consider the ways you can slow down and take steps to make it happen. Begin to schedule seasons of pause into your life. There is a time for every purpose so take time to reflect, restore, and revive. You, your health, and your peace of mind, are worth protecting.

Confronting Your Fears

2009-09-26T18:31:00.000-07:00

Fear is the anxious feeling we have about a potential negative outcome. Fear can block us from going places, meeting people, and even following our dreams. People have all different fears, including but not limited to fear of social situations, public speaking, dogs, flying, heights, success, failure, crowded spaces, driving, certain people, and even being alone. The challenge becomes how to confront and overcome the fears that are controlling your life or that are keeping you from fulfilling your potential.

There are several strategies that are helpful in addressing your fears. One is learning how to calm your anxious reactions. Sometimes just anticipating a negative outcome can increase our fears tenfold. You have the capacity to calm yourself. Practice taking deep breaths. Begin to tighten and relax your muscles starting with your face and working all the way down to your feet. Ground yourself in the present moment instead of worrying about the future or past. You can even practice visualization. Visualize a peaceful place – it may be a place that was safe and inviting the last time you were there or it may be a place you have only visited in your imagination. Visualization, deep breathing, and muscle relaxation are good skills for preparing to face your fears.

Another strategy is getting real about the evidence. In other words there are people and places that are not safe, so there are times when you need to follow your gut when you feel fear and then there are other times when you can recognize that the amount fear that you feel does not match the situation. So start to look realistically at what could go wrong if you face your fears and the likelihood of those things occurring. When you determine that some things could go wrong, just consider the worst case scenario and weigh the consequences if it does occur. If you speak in public your hands may shake a little at first or you may trip, but are those two occurrences enough to block you from talking about something that is important to you or doing something that is important for your job or school success?

Along with relaxation skills and thinking through your fears, another important strategy is to consider the benefits. If you face your fear, what will you gain? You may gain the ability to socialize, to meet people, to follow your dreams, to improve your self esteem, and to face your past instead of running from it. All of there are worthwhile accomplishments as you plan to move forward. You may also want to break down your fears into smaller steps so you can steadily move forward without having to do it all at once. A final helpful courage boost is the presence of someone who believes in you and is supportive. This may be a friend, family member, therapist, minister, support group members, or romantic partner. It should be someone who has a calming effect on you and not someone who increases your anxieties.

The truth is simply considering facing your fears in a powerful step in the right direction. Step by step, you can overcome the barriers that are blocking you. You can move forward not simply because the fear goes away but you can move forward with the courage in spite of the fear. Dare to step out – life is waiting for you!

Friendship: To find a good friend be a good friend

2009-09-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

As human beings we often desire connection, relationship, and community. Most of us experience the need to be known, understood, and appreciated. Often our patterns of friendship have followed us over the years from childhood to adulthood. In fact some of our relationship patterns may mirror the types of relationships we saw in the lives of those who raised us. The important thing to remember is that friendship is a two-sided relationship so we can actively play a role in determining the type of friends we seek and retain.

There are different unhealthy patterns you may notice in your friendships that you would like to change. You may always be the giver and never have friends who reciprocate. You may find yourself surrounded by very superficial friends but when crisis comes they are no where to be found. You may notice that you always have volatile, high drama, short term friendships that usually end poorly. On the other hand you may notice that you don’t trust anyone and end up being a loner most of the time. Whatever the pattern, be encouraged by the fact that you can make decisions to improve the quality of your relationships.

The first key is you need to know yourself and be comfortable with who you are. If you are insecure and looking for others to define you or to give you self worth, you may be setting yourself up for superficial or one-sided relationships. You will draw kindred spirits so if you are confident and comfortable with yourself, you will be able to connect with people who have those same qualities.

Secondly be the kind of friend you want others to be. In other words it doesn’t work to say you want a loyal, kind, generous, fun-loving friend, if you do not possess those qualities. We model our definition and expectations for friendships by our behavior. So work on being a better friend if you would like to draw better friends.

Next be mindful of the people you select as friends. Choose friends based on common interests, mutual respect, shared good times, and the ability to be there for each other in moments of joy and moments of despair. Choose friends who you can trust to tell you the truth even when it’s hard. Choose friends who want to see you happy and successful. Choose friends over time. Instead of being best friends in one hour, take time to get to know people and to give them time to know you.

Finally develop the capacity to know which friendships are for a season and which ones are for life. If someone has shown herself to not be a good friend, your decision to spend all of your time with that person blocks the opportunity to connect with people who may actually be a positive presence in your life. On the other hand, life long friendships will have some challenges and disagreements, but when the friendship is important enough and authentic enough, you can work through the difficulties. Only you and your friend can determine the course of your friendship. So take time to really look at the situation and to be honest with yourself and each other.

Remember most of all, true friendship makes both of you better people. Friends are a source of light, affirmation, and truth. Treat them the way you want to be treated.

Body Image: A healthy look in the mirror

2009-09-09T17:27:00.000-07:00

There are so many messages we receive daily that make us question our appearance. Whether the messages come from the media, friends, family, or strangers, we are often appraised based on our physical attributes. We are all, to some degree, affected by what has been called the “American Beauty Myth”. This myth determines who is worthy of the title “beautiful”. We are told to eliminate people based on their skin complexion, hair texture, facial features, height, weight, and figure. This myth can dismantle our self esteem while we are still too young to resist these false assumptions.

It is not only a matter of what we come to believe but what others believe as well. Research shows that children who are deemed attractive are treated better and perceived in a more positive light by both teachers and peers. Many people decide a person’s worth based on arbitrary notions of beauty. Judgments based on looks can affect how we are treated in school, work, and especially in social settings. These perceptions can even unfortunately affect the way parents treat their children.

What is the result of negative body image? Its evidence is found in many of our behaviors, including but not limited to: the amount of money we spend on cosmetic products and plastic surgery, the growing number of males and females with disordered eating, and the way we settle for relationships in which we are demeaned and disrespected.

The truth is beauty comes in many forms: from dark to light, full figured to thin, short to tall, long hair to shaven heads. If we could take all of the energy invested in covering up are so called plainness or ugliness, imagine what we could do with our lives. When we can see the beauty in ourselves, we engage in the world with more confidence and compassion. True beauty is not based on having to judge one’s self against other people, but being able to truly recognize and appreciate the diverse beauty all around us. Challenge yourself today and everyday to ignore the mythical images of airbrushed supermodels and video vixens and come to love the woman or man in the mirror. It is not always easy but as you begin to strive for self love and acceptance, you will see a whole new level of self esteem supporting you throughout your day. When you feel good about you, you are in a better position to walk into your destiny.

So here are a few practical steps to improving your body image:
 Reject the myth that beauty only comes in one form.
 Eat healthy foods that make you feel positive.
 Engage in healthy amounts of exercise.
 Get adequate rest so you can face the stress of the day.
 Remember regardless of other people’s opinions, you define your beauty.
 Surround yourself with people who are affirming and not disrespectful.
 Think of three physical attributes that you like about yourself.
 Refuse to judge people’s worth based on their appearance.
 Treat your body with respect.

Survival and Recovery

2009-09-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

Survival and Recovery

You may have known silence and betrayal, but you are still here. You can break through the shame and nightmares. It is important to believe in the possibility of your change and remain motivated and committed to your healing.

There is healing in breath
There is healing in safe community.
There is healing in owning and telling your story in your time, at your pace, to those you trust to bear witness
There is restoration in taking time to let your muscles relax.
You have worked so hard, being on guard all day and all night.
And for so long you had to in order to survive.
But will you risk in this moment releasing muscle, tension, vigilance, distrust?
Will you in this moment imagine a place of peace?
Visualize a place where you are supported and know that you are not alone.

You may need an extreme self make-over because extreme stress, violence, and devastation, require renovation from the inside out.
You have had enough empty smiles, dead laughter, fake friendships.
There is recovery in your authenticity – your decision to be real with yourself and with others. You can come off of the stage, take off the mask and breathe. You can discover the person that lives and grows in spite of the symptoms, the self blame, and the should be’s.
Begin to remember what you have always known:
This valley has had an impact but it is not the sum total of who you are
There is more to you than scars, bruises, flashbacks, secrets, and over-stuffed baggage.
There is more to you than sleep issues and food issues and trust issues.
There is more to you than midnight and medication.
It’s time to give birth to your good morning song.

Begin by grounding yourself in the present.
Yesterday is gone.
The past is behind you.
Look around you and see this new day – one you have never seen before.
Embrace the possibilities of a new moment – a season to seek safety, sanity, wholeness, happiness, & well-being.

It is time to replace self harm with self affirmation. Move away from reliance on any form of coping that puts your mind, heart, body, spirit in jeopardy. In this season embrace self care. Care enough for yourself to let your body rest, to be mindful of what you put into your body, of reaching out to physical and mental health professionals who care about your well-being. In this moment consider the ways you have isolated yourself
Commit to breaking out and reaching out. There is strength in community, in sharing, in connecting across the abyss of fear.

True healing and recovery is not based on avoiding the past but facing it, working through it, and coming out on the other side whole. You will not be the person you were before, but you can emerge new. There is wisdom within you, courage within you, survival and thriving wings within you.

Do not surrender.
All is not lost.
You still have you.
Reach for recovery and revival.
Dare to find your laugh, your dance, your song, and your story.
You are a living, breathing testimony.
Your presence is a blessing.
There is purpose and meaning for your life.
The caterpillar days are over, time to make a shift out of the cocoon and show your radiant wings!

Healthy Relationships

2009-08-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

For a relationship to be healthy, the individuals involved have to be healthy. If you find yourself in patterns of dysfunction, it may be a good time to take a break from trying to fine the one and focus instead on developing yourself. Our past struggles and challenges have an impact on how we see others and ourselves. So instead of trying to find our value through another person, we should first work to come to a place of happiness and peace within ourselves. If you are feeling unworthy, insecure, afraid, unattractive, or powerless, you are going to attract people whose brokenness makes them attracted to broken people. If you feel all you have to offer is your body or your money, you are going to attract people who don’t see all that you have to offer. Being a good partner requires first believing you are a good person. Once you have done your healing work, then you are ready to bring your light and joy into the life of another light bringer. In other words, your partner should not be your project or your mission. A life partner, a love partner is an equal who you respect and love as they currently exist.

Along with being a healthy person, each of us has to work on our communication if we are going to have a healthy relationship. While it is wonderful when people know you well, it is also unfair to expect people to read our minds all of the time. Relationships require that we relate and communicate our hopes, dreams, fear, plans, needs, and wants. Open the lines of communication about goals, finances, family, expectations, sorrows, joys, and intimacy. Now all of this information is not for the first date, but for the relationship to grow you have to move from surface conversations to a place of deeper connection and knowing.

A healthy relationship is also based on mutual love and respect. It is not a one-sided partnership. Both people have to be invested for it to work. The person you choose to spend your time with should be someone who lifts you up and doesn’t pull you down. A relationship built on respect has no space for abuse, manipulation, intimidation, or violence. Respect is about appreciation and affirmation. We should seek to bring out the best in ourselves and each other. The way we treat each other and talk to each other should start from a place of mutual love and respect.

Finally and of great importance, healthy relationships have joy. Bring the joy into your relationship with moments of pleasant surprises, laughter, affection, and celebration. The world is full of things and people that will create chaos and drama. Aim to bring joy into each other’s lives with random acts of kindness and funny moments of absolute freedom. While you have to be willing to work at your relationship, there needs to be moments of lightness, fun, and peace to remind you both that the relationship is more than worth the investment.

Manifest Your Dreams - Reach Your Goals

2009-08-19T22:58:00.001-07:00

Greetings dream seekers and visionaries. There are three important keys to manifesting your dreams. First you have to allow yourself to dream and when I say “dream”, I mean setting a specific goal that is larger than your current circumstance. Dreaming or goal setting requires vision and faith. Trusting that your life experience can be more than it is right now. This step alone is revolutionary. There are so many messages we receive from people around us, the media, and the inner voice of fear that seduce us into settling for the mediocre. Your life experience will not change, until you free yourself to dream again – to believe again that more is possible. Simply stating, “I want a good life” is a start but you have to get specific. What would a good life look like to you? Begin to draw in the details. A building is only built after the architect develops a design. A film is not shot until the filmmaker has story boards or pictures or what the story would look like when told visually. You need to be able to articulate what you want? What do you desire to be and to do? Your life is a canvas. What is the picture you would like to draw with your days?

Once you have the dream or the goal the next step is to take a step and then another step. Dreams without action remain dreams. To see manifestation you must do more than wish and wait for it to appear. You need to research, strategize, study, implement, and re-assess as you go along. Most people who are considered over night successes have spent many seasons in preparation for the moment you see them “arrive”. Begin to invest in your dream. Your investment of time and resources will inspire others to take your dream seriously. Many people say what they are going to do but as the Chinese Proverb says, “Talk does not cook the rice.” You have to move from talking about your goals to making them happen. Determine today at least one thing you can do to further your goal. Take a class, research on-line, talk to someone who has done something similar, or practice your craft.

The third key to manifesting your dreams is perseverance. Anyone who has a dream must be prepared for obstacles. There will be barriers, mountains, doubters, and challenges. This is a guarantee. Dream manifestation or goal attainment requires a can-do spirit regardless of the circumstance. When some people see storm clouds, they stay home. Staying where you are is safe but is that what you really want to do? When you are facing a brick wall remind yourself of the dream, the vision, and the possibility. If it is where your passion lies, continue to press for it. Find people and things that feed your spirit, encourage your heart, and nurture your soul. When you face a set-back, take time to learn from the experience and then dust yourself and determine to move forward. A dream deferred is not a dream denied. Achievement is within reach but you will have to stretch.

Cleaning Up Your Life

2009-08-13T22:36:00.001-07:00

This is a good season to get your house in order. Not just your physical house but your life. We have to get rid of the old way of thinking to make room for new visions and opportunities. We have to de-clutter our space, relationships, conversation, habits, and thoughts. If you are ready to move to the next level, if you want growth and increase, there are some things you need to clean up. Clean and therapeutically design your home, car, and office so they can become places where you can breathe, reflect, and imagine. You deserve a clean environment.

But it doesn’t stop with your physical space, clean out your thinking. Letting go of shame, guilt, anger, and fear will create space for confidence, self esteem, peace of mind, and courage. Cleaning the inside takes effort and commitment, just like cleaning the outside. We also know that cleaning the outside is a continuous process. We would never say, “Oh I cleaned the bath tub last month. It’s clean.” Transforming our way of thinking takes constant maintenance. Old habits are difficult but not impossible to change. When the old, negative way of thinking pops into your mind, interrupt it, challenge it, and give yourself a clean slate and a fresh start.

Not only do we need to clean our physical space and mental space, we also need to clean up our relationships. Often we are in cycles of dysfunction, where the people may change but the pattern remains the same. Take an honest look at your relationships including the type of people you are drawn to and the nature of the relationships. Whatever is not edifying is destructive. It is better to have a few quality relationships than to be surrounded by people who bring negativity and drama into your life. Clean it up.

We also have to clean up our relationship with our bodies. When depression begins to weigh on us, it is often reflected in our neglect of ourselves. Whether it is your hygiene or the need to make the doctor’s appointment you have been putting off, make your physical health a priority in this cleansing season. Clean up habits of over-eating, lack of exercise, and living off of vending machines and fast food. Clean up addictions to caffeine, cigarettes, alcohol, and other drugs. When we are committed to cleaning up our lives, we are willing to seek and receive help. Some cleaning jobs are too large to try to handle alone but you can do it by reaching out for help.

Finally it is time to clean up our finances. We can not afford to continue living off of credit. We can not continue to think not opening bills will make them disappear. We can not continue to live without a plan for our future. Clean it up. Determine how much you owe and create a plan to pay it. Create a budget for clarity and peace of mind. Create and act on a plan that will increase your streams of income.

Clutter promotes stress in every area of our lives. Stress takes energy away from our goals and purpose. De-clutter and cleanse your internal and external world. You deserve a healthier, happier life and the change begins with you.

Poem for the women of Iran

2009-06-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

They did not know we were building an army behind these veils
We cast eyes down yesterday, so we could lift fists today
The dawning of revolution that’s been germinating for decades
Marinating in mind wombs

Sisters in solidarity – hungry for sun on face
Fresh rain on arms re-creating the order of things
From the chaos of unholiness

They bent our ballots
But will not break out backs

They forget we their sisters, daughters, wives, mothers are sacred power
The essence of stories that shatter centuries of silence

But our righteous brothers remember – they remember our names and speak them,
Text them in code, record them on secret rooftops

While the armies of oppression arrest our professors, strangle us on streets, stretch to lock us in cells
For they fear us
And they should.

Our eyes have seen too much, hearts have had to bear too much
We are scratching our survival, pitching our tents
Not merely for ourselves, but for sons and daughters unborn

We write poems in our mother’s tongue but write signs in English
This message must/needs/will be heard on global super highways

We are hiding on campuses, nursing children, prostrate is prayer
Crying out into midnight
And the Radical Light that is Truth can not deny us
Praying women, protesting women can not be denied

Everywhere we look they want us to see red
Blood in pools, dripping, soaking, suggesting we surrender
But we see green
We choose to see green
Emerald green growing
Forest green springing
Pressing toward freedom

Last week we poured into the street
With brutality they planted hot lava on the road

So now we take to the sky
Twittering, soaring, rising beyond their grasp

They do not realize they can not take lives
Only bodies
Our breath remains

We are already pregnant with tomorrow
And these babies are coming forth today

We hear out sisters and brothers across this international matrix
Calling for us to push

We women warriors of Iran
Wonder if some have mistaken our tears for weakness
That would be a mistake
Do no underestimate this war cry
This is a cry of outrage, emerging from our mourning song
& this sound will echo through the mountains
Of our ancestors
Traveling through space manifesting into glorious peace

We will not be forgotten
& greater still our sacrifice is not in vain

Waging peace,
Women are rainbows climbing across gray skies

Inch by inch we take the sky

Our mothers taught us well
doves must fly

Time to Shine

2009-03-07T21:12:00.001-08:00

To my sisters who have become dusty with the residue of racism, the stains of low self esteem, and the pollution of poverty
To my grandmothers who have known bruises, burdens, and break downs
To my mothers who have suffered set-backs, sexism, and loss of sanctuary
To my daughters who have sinned against themselves by forgetting who they are
The alarm bell is ringing and it is time – past time – for you to be washed in the healing waters of your destiny, washed in the holiness of your sacredness, washed in the memory of your possibility
This is the day – a day not like any other
This is the season – a season that the universe has not known
For yesterday is gone and you must take off the heavy coat of regret
Yesterday is gone and you need to put down the luggage of limitation
Clear your mind with the anointing of the One who really knows you – the One who created you
Bathe yourself in integrity and dress yourself for the divine appointment
For this is the time for you to shine
You are right on time for the miracle that is you
The miracle that God is working in you and through you and for you
You are more radiant than the sun, your wings span mountain tops, your gifts are deep as the Atlantic, your wisdom is beyond your years, and your victory is guaranteed
It is time for you to shine
No more hiding, fearing, worrying, fretting, betting on your demise
Tic toc, tic toc
Women of the sun, daughters of the Son
It’s your time to shine

Obama and Biden: Rape Victims Need You

2009-03-01T23:17:00.000-08:00

It is Women's History month and as a nation we can not lose sight of the global ways in which women and girls are under attack. One of the tools of oppression is sexual assault. As a psychologist who counsels rape survivors and their families, I was heartened by the words and works of Obama and Biden. I was encouraged to hear Obama speak about the fact that people close to him have been affected by sexual assault and that he cares deeply about the issue. I was also glad to hear about his work in promoting sexual assault awareness and preventative education for our children. As a sexual assault researcher and educator, I know that elementary school is not too young to learn about sexual abuse (“good touch” and “bad touch”). Unfortunately there are children in our classrooms who know far too well the experiences we are afraid to mention. I was particularly inspired by Obama and Biden’s dedication to the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act.

As we move forward as a nation to bring about change we can believe in, I hope that sexual assault does not get lost in other important agenda items such as the economy and security. For too many Americans, economic advancement has been nearly impossible as they confront the profound security breach of their bodies. Sexual assault occurs across demographic lines and often leaves shame, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, and suicide in its aftermath. Whether we are speaking of sexual assault victims on college campuses or military bases, in marital bedrooms or in alleyways, on prison yards or on first dates, the nation’s silence has been deafening. We as a nation choose to see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil and our collective silence supports the continued rape of our sisters and brothers. It is easier for us to pretend these violations do not exist. It is easier to assume that people are lying to get attention or that they somehow wanted the assault. If we can believe these myths we are safe. If we can believe these myths we can continue to do nothing.

When the Obama/Biden campaign and supporters scream out, “Yes, we can,” I for one am working and organizing so that this is an inclusive “yes, we can.” Yes we can make rape unacceptable in our society. Yes we can end the silent shaming of victims, regardless of background, ethnicity, or socio-economic status. Yes we can create a just and safe society, starting with just and safe homes, schools, and communities. Yes we can empower the nearly 80% of victims of who never report the violations they experience. Yes we can demand respect for the sacred body of all community members. Yes we can protect and advocate for the modern day victims of human trafficking and sexual slavery. Yes we can end the widespread molestation of our children. Yes we can have justice that does not re-victimize rape survivors. Obama and Biden, we need you to follow your past words and deeds regarding sexual violence as we try to carve out a nation that stands firmly against sexual assault.

As the Obama campaign and transition team have noted, real change is not only about leadership but about people. As a nation, we have to condemn the rape supportive aspects of our society and culture. The commonplace sexualization of children and objectification of women in the media from cartoons to commercials to feature films has to end. We also have to transform distorted thinking that says using violence, threats, manipulation, power, and drugs to obtain sexual contact is a normal part of sexual intimacy. Sexual contact by coercion or physical force is not sexual intimacy, it is a violent crime. So, yes we can and yes we must end the false arguments that blame the violated for being victimized. Yes we can hold rapists, pedophiles, and traffickers accountable and responsible. Yes we can promote physical and mental health by using our votes, actions, policies, and words to end rape. Yes we can and yes we must.

For the Queen and King who lost their crowns

2008-12-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

For The Queen who lost her crown when she saw others frown
Cause they thought she was too brown

For the Queen who lost her crown who never learned to say no
Because her uncle taught her how to blow at the age of ten
And now she only knows how to bend cause her momma never told her how mend
Her broken soul and hymen

For the Queen who lost her crown she was taught the measure of her womanhood was her ability bake a cake and shake her thing or at least swing into to the beat of someone else’s drum

For the queen who lost her crown she stopped her healing dance cause her mounting bills put her in a trance that could only be broken by hope but the street preacher said dope would get her right and since the panthers were out of sight she believed this clown’s hype

For the Queen who lost her crown when she fell down after being disillusioned by capitalism and sexism and classism and racism and every ism that decreased her space and took her place o think beyond the kitchen sink

For the Queen who lost her crown she she doubted the existence of God because she got caught up in the fog of self pity not realizing that Jehovah is the key

For the Queen who lost her crown when she forgot the sound of her own name and decided to play someone else’s game but letting him drive her insane till she accepted the rain of fists on her face as well as his intrusions in her sacred place

For the Queen who lost her crown when at the age of fifteen she ceased to put any hopes in dreams cause she thought having babies and beepers was the scene

For the Queen who lost her crown when she started believing the lie that she was too fat so her best bet was to hide in the back to silence her song and just go along with the flow of any joe willing to grace her space with his presence or lack thereof

For the Queen who lost her crown when she started modeling herself after material demons who only seek wealth

And what about the Kings

For the King who lost his crown when his father could not be found to show him how to stand and be a true man
For the King who lost his crown when he discovered the mentality of his reality made him want to die and he realized the only time he was confident he could fly was when he was high

For the King who lost his crown with the socialization of the system got him lost in special education

For the King who lost his crown when he was taught the measure of his manhood was in the rawness of the rhymes and the number of times he could make fine women scream by the fright of his dark night or the delight of his horizontal sunlight

For the King who lost his crown when he saw the lost Queens frown at the fact that he didn’t carry pagers as he stood amongst the minimum wagers at the not so golden arches

For the King who lost his crown when he was disillusioned by the belief that men with guns control all the fun so his best bet was to get one

For the king who lost his crown when he was forced to kneel before stepfathers, cousins, and brothers, and now finds comfort in the furs around his neck that help to keep his pain in check

For the King who lost his crown when affirmative action ended and he had to join his kindred in the state penitentiary where he now sits all day and dreams of a way to move on to a deluxe apartment in the skies

For the King and Queen who lost their crown
Don’t look so down
Your crown has not been erased
It is only misplaced
The angels ancestors still remember who you are
They’ve seen your true place among the stars
So just be still and look within
The Most High has already begun to mend
Those broken places and fill in those empty spaces
Stop living below your potential and put back on your crown
It’s time for you to soar again
For your home is not the ground

Holy Night - A Christmas poetic reflection

2008-12-19T11:56:00.000-08:00

The Bible says that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning
Powerful things happen at night
The Bible says that in the beginning God stepped out on space and darkness covered everything
Supernatural things happen at night
When God made people of African descent, God created us sun-kissed
various hues but all reflections of the beautiful earth and the night sky
awesome things happen in the night of God’s creation
and so we gather to celebrate not just the beauty of night
but one night in particular
a holy night
a miraculous night
a sacred night
it was night like none other
a night where bright stars shone in the sky
a night that beckoned the spirits of shepherds and wise men alike
it was a night when a virgin was about to give birth
it was a night when an engaged man was watching for the transformation of his family
it was a night when God was standing on tip top and the Holy Spirit was dancing through space
it was a night, a holy night
where even barn animals were singing their praises and rocks were crying out holy, holy, holy
it was a night that would be remembered by the enslaved as they dreamed of emancipation
a night that would be preached about in store fronts and palaces
preached about in prisons and in Sunday schools
a night that would be taught from generation to generation sitting around dinner tables
even on nights when there was barely any food to eat
it was a night in which the son that was born represented a re-birth for us all
the son that was born represented the promise that we could all be re-born
that we could all start again
the birthing, the pushing, the labor of one woman changed the world
blessed Mary, mother of God, we remember you on today and all those mothers, grandmothers, and church mothers who have not forgotten how to birth, push, and labor for the children of God
faithful Joseph who did not turn back, we remember you on today and all those fathers, grandfathers, and church fathers who have not forgotten to show up, provide, and mentor for the children of God
holy Jesus, Savior of the world, we remember you on today, you who remind us that from night comes day, from valleys come mountains, and from simplicity comes the miraculous
it was a night, a holy night, a good night, a great night
and because of that night each of us have a guaranteed opportunity to walk in the light of God’s mercy and God’s grace
holy, holy, holy, the Lord God Almighty
Heaven and Earth are full of thy glory
Glory be to Thee, O Most High
Good night, holy night

I am because they are

2008-12-04T18:50:00.000-08:00

I am my mother’s daughter
We stand in closets
Communing with the Holy Spirit
Startling saints with our sensuality
Filling streets and sanctuaries with our Roars
Keeping mysteries and secret behind fire eyes and brilliant smiles

I am my father’s daughter
Quietly jumping off balconies onto pulpits
Leading rallies by night
Soaking is silent thought by day
Ears listening to the wind then riding it through storms
Still waters running deep
Loving people as much as the Word

I was born risk-taker
My father used to lay in the street in the 50s
Playing chicken
Not wanting to be the first to roll away from on-coming traffic
He used to ride bikes through whites only neighborhoods
Eat at whites only counters
And protest the white house with me on his shoulders

When I ask my mother how she flies through such dangerous skies
She says “I never think about the alternative - staying on the ground.”
She soars to places where clouds of religious ritual and clouds of spiritual discipline unite
Where clouds of Africa and the Diaspora unite
Where clouds of vision and reality unite
I am my mother
We speak fire
Walk drum beats
And dance with God

I am my father
We are masterful griots
Telling our stories like oak trees
We are supreme owls
Seeking to see our people’s reality especially at midnight
We are students of midwifery
Spending our lives helping others breathe and give birth

My mother’s memory is in me
Memories of NY projects and United Nations diplomacy are in me
Memories of trading perm for afro puff are in me
And memories of being equally comfortable in mini-skirts and flowing dashikis are in me
But memories of surrender – not in me
My father’s memory is in me
Memories of Baltimore Jim Crow and DC’s march on Washington are in me
Memories of redemption sermons and revolution speeches are in me
But memories of being a follower – not in me

My parents’ pen flows through me
Their prayers hold me up
Their love – the wind beneath my wings
And their human mistakes reminding of the possibility of resurrection
For the spirit in them did not begin with them
It reaches back to southern plantations
It dances across the middle passage
It pre-dates the point of no return
It resides in the rhythms, textiles, genius, soul of a Continent
It runs through empty tomb and Calvary Cross
It runs in the wilderness and the garden
It was present at the beginning of the beginning

I am daughter of John and Cecelia
I am daughter of Africa and America
I am daughter of Alpha and Omega
I am daughter of legacies that must be passed on
I stand on invisible shoulders holding tip toeing children over my head
I take my place in this chain
Having the same faith as my ancestors
That those who come after me will transcend me
Not forgetting me but carrying our legacy to altitudes beyond our reach

An Attitude of Gratitude

2008-11-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

Pepperdine University
Thanksgiving Service 2008
Dr. Thema Bryant-Davis

Scripture Luke 17: 11-19
11Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy[a]met him. They stood at a distance 13and called out in a loud voice, "Jesus, Master, have pity on us!"
14When he saw them, he said, "Go, show yourselves to the priests." And as they went, they were cleansed.
15One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.
17Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" 19Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well."
Theme: An Attitude of Gratitude
The Bible says we have not because we ask not
but many of us have asked and received and yet still don’t believe we have a reason to give thanks.
We focus on what we don’t have instead of what we do.
Looking at the cup as half empty gives us the blues and
we still don’t have a clue that we need an attitude of gratitude –
a gratitude gladitude moment each day.
Some say when the praises go up to God, the blessings come down
but instead of worshipping we walk around campus with frowns.
Let’s set the atmosphere.
Shake up this place with authentic joy on our faces.
An attitude of gratitude for blessings big and small –
This is a call for each of us to stop and remember the gifts from above –
our divine covering – the symbol of the cross and the dove.
In this season especially we have much for which we should be grateful.
For Hilary Clinton and Sarah Palin who stood tall for everyone and especially for women and girls facing sexism, unequal pay, domestic violence, sexual harassment, and objectification. For them we give thanks.
For John McCain who stood tall for everyone and especially the numerous unnamed, unrecognized, forgotten veterans facing PTSD, homelessness, disability, and disenfranchisement - for him we give thanks.
For Joe Biden who stood tall for everyone and especially the many unsung fathers who commit to raising their children with nurturance, sacrifice, and integrity. For him we give thanks.
And for President Elect Barack Obama who stood tall for everyone and especially for those past and present confronted with bigotry, racism, discrimination, xenophobia, segregation, lynching ropes, auction blocks, Jim crow, and colonialism. Obama stands tall as a testament of our possibility – we give thanks.
Regardless of our political affiliations or religious denominations, we give thanks. For each of us are the change agents the world can believe in. We give thanks for faith, growth, and transformation.
We have a reason, you have a reason, I have a reason to give thanks.

In our text we find one who remembered to go back and thank Jesus.
The story is told of 10 lepers – 10 rejects
- those cast out, thrown out, and discarded.
If we bring the story to modern times we can think of the 10 lepers as representing those of us who have experienced rejection – rejection from our families, our peers, or even our school – those of us who did not always fit in or do not fit in today.
We who like the lepers know what it’s like to be feared or misunderstood or judged or underestimated – we who have ever experienced being marginalized or stigmatized – we are to a certain degree like the lepers in our text.
We who don’t fit the Pepperdine stereotype can relate to the lepers.
You love God but you have questions that make some people uncomfortable – you can relate to the lepers.
You are not from a wealthy family – you can relate to the lepers.
Or you are from a family of wealth but not a family of love – you can relate to the lepers.
You who walk around campus seeing few reflections of yourself – you can relate to the lepers.

I have good news this morning, a reminder that Jesus came for you – came for us, all of us. When the lepers cried out for mercy, relief, justice, and healing. Jesus responded to them go forward. For he knew in their moving forward they would be healed. The same was true for us. In spite of stereotype, stigma, past rejections – we pressed forward and applied to Pepperdine, pressed forward and stayed up late studying and writing papers, pressed forward and came to work this morning, pressed forward and in the process of your pressing God has begun to heal you from the pain of your yesterday.

So here we are – those who stepped out on faith and God is healing us. God has healed us but we have to go back, reconnect with Christ, and show our thanks.

An attitude of gratitude is required of us. Like the leper who came back to thank Jesus for his healing. We have to go back to the source of our strength and give thanks in prayer, in meditation, and in our relationships with each other. We give thanks by taking care of the body temple God has given us and honoring the body temples of our sisters and brothers. We give thanks for the opportunity to study and work by applying a spirit of excellence to all that we do.

There were 10 lepers that were healed but only one came back to say thank you. What happened to the other 9 Pepperdine students on this beautiful morning? Well, Michael has a big exam coming up so he doesn’t have time to come to service. Judy is on “Facebook” trying to make a love connection. William is working on his graduate school application. Ebony is studying for the GREs. Joe is working his way through school as a plumber. Jennifer is exhausted and taking a nap. Ernesto is on the phone having an argument with his girlfriend back home. Annette is staring out the window of her room wondering if she can afford to stay in school. And Josh is working out at the gym.

But you, each of you – like the one healed leper - took the time out of your busy list of things to do today and said I have to stop and reflect, stop and give thanks, stop and adjust my attitude to one of gratitude. Things may not be perfect. Our lives are not easy. Yet we are blessed and privileged at this very moment. Regardless of our current bank account balance, GPA, popularity, or the level of drama in our lives, we have something for which we can give thanks.

When the leper came back to Jesus, he received even more from being in the presence of Jehovah Shalom, God our peace. The same is true for us. Psychologists have found that those who take time each day to reflect in thought or in writing on things for which they are grateful, have healthier minds, bodies, and spirits. Those who take time to embrace an attitude of gratitude report more energy, enthusiasm, positive attitudes, determination, joy, optimism, self worth, positive relationships, quality sleep, and goal attainment and less depression, stress, physical sickness, and materialism.
There are benefits to giving thanks. An attitude of gratitude blesses us and those we encounter each day.

So in this season in our nation’s history, let us embrace an attitude of gratitude. For those who were legally banned from reading and for those who live with illiteracy today, let us give thanks for the opportunity to learn and study. For those who gave their lives so that we could vote and for those living today who can not vote, let us give thanks for the opportunity to make our voices heard. For those who grew up in separate and unequal schools and those today who still attend underfunded schools, let us give thanks for the opportunity to be a part of Mr. Pepperdine’s vision for faith and academic excellence. For those whose past experiences of rejection, abuse, misuse, and modern day leprosy have resulted in them now suffering from mental illness, substance dependence, and fear, let us give thanks that in spite of our past challenges we are here today with an opportunity to make this campus, make this country, and make this world a brighter place – for all people. Let us give thanks.

An attitude of gratitude means I make a decision to focus on the good in my life instead of being consumed by complaints. I make a decision to show love and appreciation not fear or intolerance. I make a decision to speak life into dead places, to thank God for the many mountains that have been moved in my lifetime, and to know God’s purpose for my life shines brighter than my most difficult days. An attitude of gratitude is an active choice to say on this day and every day, I give thanks.

Religious Silence on Domestic Violence

2008-11-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

October was domestic violence awareness month and far too many Churches, Temples, and Mosques have allowed the month to pass without speaking out against domestic violence. As a psychologist who works with victims, offenders, and children who are affected by intimate partner violence, as well as a minister whose ministry focuses on women’s well-being, I am painfully aware of the silent acceptance of domestic violence in our sacred places. Pulpits where women are told to forgive, give over it, or learn to be more submissive have often gone unchallenged. Religious leaders have actively and passively been a part of the problem and religious leaders must accept the mantle of responsibility in preventing and intervening in cases of domestic violence.

It is unacceptable to have 52 opportunities a year to teach spiritual development and neglect teaching the fundamentals of healthy versus unhealthy relationships. It is unacceptable to tell a woman who comes in for pastoral counseling that God sends abuse to test our faith. It is unacceptable to reject a female parishioner who makes the decision to flee an abusive relationship. Much more is required of us. People’s lives literally hang in the balance. Every year in California more than 100 women are killed by current or former intimate partners. Every year, every month, every day someone is hit, punched, raped, slapped, kicked, or verbally abused by someone who claims to love them.

Silence supports the status quo and the status quo is pervasive domestic abuse. The countless victims of domestic violence include both the abused partner and their children, both of whom are more vulnerable to depression, post traumatic stress disorder, suicidal ideation, substance abuse, homelessness, injury, and anxiety. This trauma crosses gender, racial, economic, sexual orientation, and religious lines. Many people are living in fear and isolation. Every opportunity has to be made to reach them, including and especially when people make their way to religious communities.

While I am disappointed in our collective silence I am also encouraged by those who are holding up the proverbial light. While the numbers of active agents of change are small compared to the numbers of silenced sanctuaries, there are yet a growing number of religious communities that are taking a stand. This includes counseling agencies that are focused on meeting the needs of members of religious communities, ministers, rabbis, and imams who are speaking out against domestic abuse, and websites that have been created to provide resources specifically for activities that religious communities can do including hosting awareness programs, providing resource lists to members, and raising funds for domestic violence agencies. This month in Los Angeles an Interfaith Service against Domestic Violence was held to give voice and safety to the numerous survivors of faith. Through the use of prayer, poetry, song, dance, testimonies of survivors, and the reading of inspiring religious texts we took a step in shattering the silence. This was one step and there are many more ahead of us.

As we look around our religious communities, we must remember along with their souls, our members’ minds, hearts, and bodies are also sacred. Our bodies are temples and we can not sit by as they are desecrated. I encourage every religious leader to not let the year come to an end without speaking out against domestic violence. Someone may be sitting there wondering, “What must I do to be saved?”

Remembering Hurricane Katrina

2008-08-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

Flashback to flag draped on my grandmother
Flashback to my sons and daughters waiting and crying for those who would never come
Flashback to my mothers' hunger, not just for food but for justice
Flashback to my fathers' empty hands and searching, angry eyes

Waters not washing but flooding
Waters revealing the systematic dehumanization of a people
again
of my people
again

troubled waters stirring up historical traumas
met with invisibility and dehumanization

this time, they say it will be different
have we not heard it before
never again, they cry
never again, we cry

to the people of the Sudan, never again
to the raped girls on college campuses, on school buses, in back rooms, in their homes, never again
to the young boys gang raped in prison, never again
to the people of New Orleans, never again

I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away
but what happens when your wings are weighed down by oil, by greed, by racism, by sexism, by poverty

we are looking for the blessing in the storm
we are uncovering the truth that the only blessing is if we are stunned into, shamed into, inspired into laying down our dysfunction, our fear, our hatred
tic toc
time will tell
if we are learning to be one nation, if we are learning to be global citizens, if we are learning to unlearn our complacency, learning to confront the miseducation of our minds, learning to let hearts beat with compassion and the urgency of NOW!

Research by Underrepresented Scholars

2008-08-22T16:28:00.000-07:00

It is critical that research is conducted and supported by those who have a heart for and understanding of the people they study. There is an urgent need for qualitative and quantitive studies of the issues facing marginalized peoples as well as the potential solutions.

Ignoring the role, voice, and experiences of the marginalized is not good science nor objectivity. It is systematic oppression and silencing even when it is unconscious by those doing the work.

There are literally lives at stake. Invisibility and minimization of identity markers such as gender, race, and economic status are not acceptable and fall short of the ethical standards of quality scholarship.

The academcy has to be open to diverse voices to create a true breadth of knowledge.

"Are we there yet?" - Steps to higher ground

2008-08-04T00:55:00.001-07:00

It is past time for us to move forward as invididuals, and as a community, a nation, and as global citizens. This sermon teaches principles that can help us get to the next level.

"The Exam" - poem

2008-07-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

Shake the tamborine
Not the one in your hands
But the one in your throat
One people indivisible under God
Cause divided we fall
And even if the sum figure is off addition is a necessity
And subtraction is vital
One suburban blue collar with black face
Plus one urban white boy with baggy blues
Plus one southern brown girl who can split green beans in her sleep and wring chicken necks while standing on one leg
Equals one nation under God
Minus stereotypical lenses
Minus the unblinking eye of exploitation minus bruised bifocal false dichotomies of lynching trees or reverse discrimination
So give me an A
And let’s subtract the BS
Not the degree but the nonsense
Cause my hands are swollen
Numb from anemia
Deficient of will or strength
My palms only possess seeing lines
But we need to connect the dots
If red plus blue makes green
But black plus white equals black from one drop blood
But blood is red
And the reds were wiped out
But are still here
Or didn’t you notice my cheek bones
But regardless the reality is no one can catch a rainbow
Or maybe we can but 9 to 5 keeps us from taking up our crosses
Which brings us back to addition
Multiplying the tasks we can fit in a tic toc
Cause Alabama is only a fraction of the square root of my roots
This soil is ancient
Pre-dating calendars or 24 hour kinkos or even kentes
This is pure breath
One spirit is God
In my lungs adding life to our tics
Before we clock out
Our blinks are beat boxes for angel’s ears
Let the wax build up to hear soul music better
There are toes in India, Africa, Australia, Europe and Asia doing the same tap dance right not
Adding to the ruler indentions that were not anticipated or accounted for
Because the global calculator was buried in the sands of hierarchy
Making wild anarchy disguise itself as altruism
But it wasn’t all true
Lies I say
And the deception must be revealed for there to be one breath which is God
And I breathe it
We are it
So shake the tamborine
Not the one in your hands
The one in your throat
The one that is you
Shake loose and join the caravan of additives in search of the ultimate preservative
Cause life is an equation written on a blackboard with limited erasers
And many races are in this class and that brings us again to addition
If the rich get richer what do the poor get
If we give free cheese who gets the meat and potatoes
If there are thousands of empty homes with for sale signs on lawns
Why are thousands of babies sleeping on streets
Or is math just not the strong suit of politicians
But even kids in the remedial class know that if there are 10 marbles
And you take all ten then we have none
And laziness is not in this equation
Only greed
So let’s subtract it
And be one breath which is God
Maybe it sounds like communism to you
But this is math not phonics
So just let the equation be equal don’t’ topple the scale
Cause when it’s broke you will feel it
And if that sounds like a threat to you
Remember this is not linguistics only math
And we’re striving for all the crap to cancel out
Envy and greed cancel each other out
Selfishness and oppression cancel each other out
Cross out the x’s and the y’s
Cross out the heads and the tails
Cross out the mayhem and the madness
Until we’re left with one breath which is God
Before we have to turn the papers over
Put the pens down
And wait to be dismissed

Lineage Poem

2008-07-27T16:14:00.000-07:00