As human beings we often desire connection, relationship, and community. Most of us experience the need to be known, understood, and appreciated. Often our patterns of friendship have followed us over the years from childhood to adulthood. In fact some of our relationship patterns may mirror the types of relationships we saw in the lives of those who raised us. The important thing to remember is that friendship is a two-sided relationship so we can actively play a role in determining the type of friends we seek and retain.
There are different unhealthy patterns you may notice in your friendships that you would like to change. You may always be the giver and never have friends who reciprocate. You may find yourself surrounded by very superficial friends but when crisis comes they are no where to be found. You may notice that you always have volatile, high drama, short term friendships that usually end poorly. On the other hand you may notice that you don’t trust anyone and end up being a loner most of the time. Whatever the pattern, be encouraged by the fact that you can make decisions to improve the quality of your relationships.
The first key is you need to know yourself and be comfortable with who you are. If you are insecure and looking for others to define you or to give you self worth, you may be setting yourself up for superficial or one-sided relationships. You will draw kindred spirits so if you are confident and comfortable with yourself, you will be able to connect with people who have those same qualities.
Secondly be the kind of friend you want others to be. In other words it doesn’t work to say you want a loyal, kind, generous, fun-loving friend, if you do not possess those qualities. We model our definition and expectations for friendships by our behavior. So work on being a better friend if you would like to draw better friends.
Next be mindful of the people you select as friends. Choose friends based on common interests, mutual respect, shared good times, and the ability to be there for each other in moments of joy and moments of despair. Choose friends who you can trust to tell you the truth even when it’s hard. Choose friends who want to see you happy and successful. Choose friends over time. Instead of being best friends in one hour, take time to get to know people and to give them time to know you.
Finally develop the capacity to know which friendships are for a season and which ones are for life. If someone has shown herself to not be a good friend, your decision to spend all of your time with that person blocks the opportunity to connect with people who may actually be a positive presence in your life. On the other hand, life long friendships will have some challenges and disagreements, but when the friendship is important enough and authentic enough, you can work through the difficulties. Only you and your friend can determine the course of your friendship. So take time to really look at the situation and to be honest with yourself and each other.
Remember most of all, true friendship makes both of you better people. Friends are a source of light, affirmation, and truth. Treat them the way you want to be treated.
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