Sunday, September 5, 2010

Restoring Relationships After Infidelity

One of the most devastating experiences in a relationship is infidelity. Whether it was emotional or physical, one time or many, the issue of broken trust and violated commitments can create deep wounds. It is important for both partners to take action toward honesty, restoration, and healing. The healing process can take two very different pathways. One pathway is when you and your partner are trying to save the relationship and the other is when you are trying to heal after the break-up.

If you are trying to save the relationship or marriage after your partner has been unfaithful, here are a few key pointers from a mental health perspective: (A future blog will address healing from infidelity when the relationship is over.)

1. The unfaithful partner must be willing to cut off the affair and do the work required to regain your trust. You can not heal from a wound that continues to be deepened by on-going infidelity. To move forward, the affair needs to be in the past.

2. When someone has broken your trust, you will likely have a range of feelings, including but not limited to anger, sadness, frustration, fear, and numbness. It is important that you and your partner recognize that this is normal and healthy.

3. You both must recognize that restoration will take a lot of time and effort. There will be reminders or triggers that bring the pain back. There will be ups and downs and times where you feel things are going backward. You both will need to have patience with the process.

4. The unfaithful partner needs to take responsibility for the choices he or she has made. It is inadequate and immature to simply blame your partner or the person with whom you had the affair. While issues in the marriage may have contributed to relationship difficulties in the end the unfaithful partner made a choice – a choice that was a violation of trust and the emotional as well as physical safety of the partner. The partner who was unfaithful needs to do some serious soul searching about the choices they have made and then take action to increase accountability and trustworthiness.

5. While some partners don’t want to know any details, if you do want to know any details you should ask your partner. Unanswered questions and pressure to quickly press fast forward can increase feelings of distrust and distress. While facing the realities of the infidelity, you should also both go and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. A part of facing the truth is facing the truth about the fact that your physical health has been compromised.

6. Both partners will have to work to rebuild the relationship. You will both need to work on your individual concerns as well as any issues within the relationship. To assist in this process, you may find it helpful to speak with a professional counselor.

7. The person who has been cheated on should express what they need from their partner to assist in the restoration. While you want the partner who was unfaithful to take initiative, if you need something and don’t share it, you can set yourself up for further disappointment and set your partner up for frustration and feelings of hopelessness.

8. Forgiveness is an important component of the recovery process but it is not the first step. When people feel forced by their partner or an internal moral code to quickly forgive, it is often premature and not authentic. You need to allow space and time to work toward forgiveness so that it will be sincere. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened doesn’t matter it means that while it hurt you are ready to turn the page and work toward the future.

9. Spend time together doing things besides talking about the infidelity. If you want to have something to work toward, you will need to see that the two of you can build something that is more positive than the wounds of the past.

10. Be honest about the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. We can often fall into two traps. Either we idealize the relationship and fight for something that was never good for us or we may see everything through the lens of the infidelity and forgot about the good things about our partner and our relationship. You should both be honest with yourselves and each other about what needs to be fixed and what should be celebrated.

Healing and restoration are possible but you have to both want it and be willing to work for it.


Anonymous said...

Your "suggestions" have caused more conflict in my marriage than the actual affair. Your "suggestions" have undermined everything our counselor has been trying to teach us. Even though you know nothing about us and our counselor knows every intimate detail, my husband will no longer go with me to counseling because of you. EVERY situation is different and EVERY affair is different. You have generalized every affair as being equal. It's been three years now since the affair. I've said I'm sorry, asked for forgiveness, I have done all that he has asked EXCEPT given him details and have cut ALL ties with that person. However, I am now suffering extreme emotional abuse and extreme punishment because my husband read your "suggestions". I hope your website has helped someone because, it's only hindered the healing in our relationship.

Anonymous said...

To the woman above who cheated on her husband:

I was the betrayed party. My husband and I didn't start the healing process right away because he wouldn't cut ALL ties with the woman he was seeing. That is one of the things that hurts most about the affair. His emotional ties were strong enough with her that he would not stop talking to her. He, also, would not give me all details. Or any details he did give was not wanted by me. I wanted details because I wanted to know how serious it was. I wanted to know if my mind was creating a more romantic relationship than it was. And because he didn't tell me, I made up scenarios.

Any way, the above article helped me. Once my husband was willing to put forth the work and the honesty.

It wasn't her article but perhaps the way you conducted or interpreted her article. Also, how do you expect for your husband to fully heal when you won't put forth the full effort into your relationship? If he didn't eventually cut all ties with that person, I would have left him.

Evans Watt said...

I want to say thank you to Madu Temple for all the good things they have done for me,Though am not sure if this is the best forum to post this but i cant hide my happiness and my Joy so i have to share it with people my marriage got crashed about two years ago and tried all i could within my power but to no avail i saw a post and testimonial about the good things Madu Temple has been doing to help relationships so i decided to give it a trial though they are always busy but when i got a response back to my e mail, they gave me 5 to 6 hours for my marriage to be restored i am happy since then and i am living happily again i am so grateful Madu Temple you can always e mail them here: .

Vivian said...

Am here to testify of a great spell caster called Dr. Magbu Jadu. This man is truly a great spell caster indeed. I contacted this great man for a help and just within two days my problem was completely solved. My ex Husband came back to me just within 3days begging me to accept him back for 3 months leaving me for another woman. Now we are fully back again as one family, all thanks to Dr Magbu Jadu and his great temple for restoring peace to my life. He's a great spell caster he can help you solve your love problem and bring back your ex-back to you... His contact email address is, and his contact Number +2348158699475, i'm so glad to be on your testimony page.

LETS SAVE said...

VICTORIA :i never believe there will ever be a solution to my relationship problem with my lover. my lover called CARLOS threw me out of his house and brought in another lady who he now feels is the only best lady for him. until one day i receive a phone call from a friend in the city that my man is going out on a date with another woman in town, i told her i am also surprise too, because since CARLOS has left me he hardly think nor call me. so after some few days my friend named Martha called me and told me that she has found a man that is very powerful, and he is a great spell caster from Africa, truly we all knows that Africans are blessed with so much powers which they use in helping people, so he told me that the man name is Dr. Barasa, that she will forward his email address for me so that i can contact him for help, he mailed me after a great while that my man will be back to me if only i believe in his work,so after 72hrs i receive a phone call from CARLOS, and he started begging that i should please forgive him against all he had done to me.. he begged me of breaking my heart . he promise me never to let go. now i and CARLOS my love are now planning to get married as soon as possible. we have been brought back with the great powerful love spell and binded with Dr. Barasa spell, we are happy and glad. so i thank him so much for the great help he offered to me, because i think today this might be the only ways and means i can ever thank him for his work by posting of his good works. i am glad. you can contact him for a love spell today at
his contact number is +2347060595685

Sarah Marie said...

Excited my life is back My husband and I have been together for almost 11 years in October. The way we met wasn’t the best way since we both had relationships. We ended our relationships to be together (or so I thought we BOTH did). As soon as I ended up pregnant with our first baby, I find out he was cheating with his EX! My world went upside down. It was very hard for me since I was pregnant and hurt. Over the years I just kept forgiving him over and over again of not only multiple affairs, but of his accusations of me being unfaithful and disrespecting me. We now have 3 kids and I just completely felt neglected and felt low of myself. I had my own affair… It has not been easy for BOTH of us to overcome. Somehow over the last few weeks we have been working together to move on. We are now moving out of state. I love my husband and I am positive he loves me. I am going to try and show him this approach. Somehow we were already doing it! We have a better communication than we’ve had in years! We are learning how to speak calmly out feelings and concerns. It hasn’t been peachy, but I can see that we both are starting to respect eachother. We care for each other’s feelings. We have US a main priority. We aren’t taking counseling, but somehow we see that little by little we seem more comfortable with eachother. Sometimes we may notice how good it is going and may step back, but helping eachother out by holding and saying it’s ok to be happy again. I love my family. and my husband and i need to keep my marriage save with him from other women so i have to seek for a love spell to keep our marriage stronger so i contacted Dr happy who help me to keep my marriage save and secure from other women am very happy today coz my husband love me more and more like ever before, we are living as one big family again bless Dr happy for what he did to me and my husband if you need help contact him too he is real and 100% guarantee ok so email him at : call +2348133873774 about his service and web site:

Anonymous said...

I want to thank Dr.Agbazara for his job in my family, this is man who left me and the kids for another woman without any good reasons, i was pain and confuse,till one day when i was browsing through the internet with my computer then i saw Dr.Agbazara contact, then i contaced him and he help me cast a reunion spell, since I then the situation has changed, everything is moving well, my husband who left me is now back to his family. reach DR.AGBAZARA TEMPLE via email if you have any relationship problem at:

( )
OR whatsapp or call him on +2348104102662

Junia Noel said...

My ex and I were together for 5 years. We lived together and were engaged. We went on a trip with friends and his family and had a nasty fight and broke up. We both moved out of our home and with our parents. We decided to go no contact for a month and 2 weeks in he started dating a girl and took her on a trip to California ( where we’ve gone the last 2 years on my bday) on my birthday weekend! After battling it out thru emails and a few meetings we finally came to see each other all of last week, i love him so much and i was so desperate to have him back coz i new that girl was not the right person for him so i have to save my relationship and reunite with my ex again so i try all i could to bring him back but all to avail i have be in contact with so many spell caster who only too my money and still nothing good work out of it, i ws so confuse and devastated one day trying to search on facebook, i come across a wonderful testimony of a lady on how a spell caster who she contacted also for love spell help her and bring her husband back to her with-in less day 2 days after the spell i was so fill with joy coz this lady meant my day and i regain my hope back so i directly and desperately email coz i love my ex so much and i want him back all to my self so with-in 5 min, Dr happy email me back with hope and told me that i have found solution in him that i should worried no more so i did all he ask of me and he gave me assured and guarantee that my ex will come back so i believed and was so gifted all to my surprise after the spell my ex call, come to my working place, beg and apology for his mistake and he said sorry for the nasty break up that he was inconsiderate of my feelings nt in tend to hurt me. i can testify with the power love spell of Dr happy me and my ex are happily married now thank you Dr happy i will for ever be grateful to you and keep sharing your testimony if you need help or love spell fine it difficult to get back with your ex, email
Call or Whas-app him on +2348133873774
web site and know more about him,

Rosie Klein said...


With so much in my heart i am here to express myself on how Dr. Ozil saved my marriage from divorce. Myself and my husband were having some misunderstanding and it was tearing our marriage apart to the extend my husband was seeking for a divorce. So i have no option than to go to the internet to seek for solution to my problem it was there i came across Dr. Ozil details and about how he has helped a lot of people by restoring there relationship. I contact Dr. Ozil and in less than 48 hours my husband cancelled the divorce papers. Now myself and my husband live together in peace and harmony all thanks to Dr. Ozil for saving my marriage from breaking up. Dr. Ozil contact information are via email: or call his phone number: +2348161897826 or view and contact him on his website:

Anonymous said...

My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but i decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then i went online there i saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is so i had to contact him and in just 2days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to.I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful. I even spoke to the spell caster over the phone, to confirm his existence. His email again

Jesica Peralta said...

My Name is Jesica Peralta , i am from United States, I want to use this golden opportunity to appreciate the great spell caster called LORD MASUKA for helping me get back my relationship with my ex boyfriend, my bf left dumped me for another guy few months ago i really love her so much and my was so hurt my life was shattered without her in my life, one fateful a friend of mine introduce me to this powerful spell caster who i contacted, he performed a powerful spell for me and within 24 hours To my greatest surprise my ex boyfriendfriend came home on his knees that i should find a place in my heart to forgive him,i was truly astonished and shocked when my ex bf knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you LORD MASUKA you are a God sent to restore broken relationship. And now i am a joyful man.Email: Via: Anyone that is in the same line of problem or having difficulties in there marriages should contact: or call his mobile number +2347053105287.

Unknown said...

Good day everybody my name is Mrs Caroline Gilli am here to share with you my life experience how a great man called Dr Alexzander saved me and my marriage.I have been Married & Barren for for 5 years i had no child. i have never been pregnant i was a subject of laughter from my Friends & neighbors, i almost lost my marriage because of this issue.i was so confused that i did not know what to do until i came across this great Dr online and i contacted him at once i was scared weather it was going to work because i never believed things like this before, so i decided to give it a try and i did all what Dr Alexzander asked of me and today to my greatest surprise i took in the first time and i gave birth to a bouncing baby boy and now my marriage that was about crashing before is now restored. my husband now love and want me better, Am so happy for everything that have been happening my life since i met this Dr Alexzander.
I want to tell all the women out there who have a similar situatio like that the world is not over YET they should dry up their tears and contact this great man and their problem will be gone or are you also having other problems you can also contact Dr Alexzander, here is how you can contact him Or Contact him via his whats-app number +2348075823891.
Thank Dr Alexzander for everything you did in my marriage.
Caroline Grilli