Friends: No time for fake ones

One of the most important human needs is the connection found in positive relationships. We strive to be understood, respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. Many of us have friendships from the various stages of our lives: childhood, young adulthood, and beyond. Friendship is an important aspect of our lives. When it is healthy it is a source of inspiration, joy, support, and strength. Unfortunately, the wounds caused by insincere “friends” can also be the most hurtful. Most of us have had friendships that did not last and that resulted in some negative feelings. To help prevent some potential hurt, let us consider some warning signs that someone may not actually be a true friend.

1. One-sided. It is very important for friendship to be mutual. Both people need to have concern and respect for each other and both people need to desire contact and communication. If you have to initiate all of the conversations and times together, you should step back and think honestly about whether the other person truly wants the friendship.

2. Jealousy. A friend is happy for your successes. They want the best in life for you and are the main ones leading the parade to celebrate when things are going well in your life. If someone’s insecurity, envy, competitive spirit, makes it hard for them to enjoy your happiness, this is a major warning sign. If you have to start keeping your good news a secret for fear that they will get sad, angry, or distant, something is seriously wrong with the nature of the relationship.

3. Put downs disguised as jokes. The gift of friendship is that we can truly be honest with each other. If you really want feedback on something you said, something you wore, something you are thinking about doing, you can trust a real friend to tell you the truth. This is important but when things go too far and a person constantly puts you down there is a problem. Being in the presence of a friend makes you feel better about yourself not worse. A sense of humor is wonderful but someone who enjoys constantly making jokes at your expense is not really concerned for your feelings. Even if someone says, it is just their personality, remember we are all responsible for our words. Taking opportunities to cut someone down for entertainment is not an indicator of real friendship.

4. Watch your back. If you know someone is not trustworthy, you have to ask yourself why you continue to confide in them. If someone shares things you ask them not to share, if they talk about you to others, and if you cannot trust them in the presence of your romantic partner, this person is not your friend. A friend is someone who has your back not someone you have to fear will stab you in the back.

5. Wing clipper. Friends encourage you to grow, mature, thrive, and soar. They want you to live a happy and healthy life. If someone discourages you from doing positive things and encourages you to engage in negative behaviors, this is not a positive friendship. A friend honors the changes you try to make to live a better life instead of dragging you back to the bad habits of the past.

All of these warning signs represent both things we should avoid in others and in ourselves. To attract good friends we have to also strive to be a good friend. If someone is not being a good friend to you, you may want to first have an honest conversation with them to see if things can get better. If there is no improvement, it may be time to create some space and time in your life for more healthy friendships to develop. Most importantly, don’t let unhealthy friendships of the past cause you to cut off your willingness to trust someone new in the future. Isolation is not the answer. We just have to move forward with wisdom knowing that there are other people out there who value good friends.

Friendship: To find a good friend be a good friend

As human beings we often desire connection, relationship, and community. Most of us experience the need to be known, understood, and appreciated. Often our patterns of friendship have followed us over the years from childhood to adulthood. In fact some of our relationship patterns may mirror the types of relationships we saw in the lives of those who raised us. The important thing to remember is that friendship is a two-sided relationship so we can actively play a role in determining the type of friends we seek and retain.

There are different unhealthy patterns you may notice in your friendships that you would like to change. You may always be the giver and never have friends who reciprocate. You may find yourself surrounded by very superficial friends but when crisis comes they are no where to be found. You may notice that you always have volatile, high drama, short term friendships that usually end poorly. On the other hand you may notice that you don’t trust anyone and end up being a loner most of the time. Whatever the pattern, be encouraged by the fact that you can make decisions to improve the quality of your relationships.

The first key is you need to know yourself and be comfortable with who you are. If you are insecure and looking for others to define you or to give you self worth, you may be setting yourself up for superficial or one-sided relationships. You will draw kindred spirits so if you are confident and comfortable with yourself, you will be able to connect with people who have those same qualities.

Secondly be the kind of friend you want others to be. In other words it doesn’t work to say you want a loyal, kind, generous, fun-loving friend, if you do not possess those qualities. We model our definition and expectations for friendships by our behavior. So work on being a better friend if you would like to draw better friends.

Next be mindful of the people you select as friends. Choose friends based on common interests, mutual respect, shared good times, and the ability to be there for each other in moments of joy and moments of despair. Choose friends who you can trust to tell you the truth even when it’s hard. Choose friends who want to see you happy and successful. Choose friends over time. Instead of being best friends in one hour, take time to get to know people and to give them time to know you.

Finally develop the capacity to know which friendships are for a season and which ones are for life. If someone has shown herself to not be a good friend, your decision to spend all of your time with that person blocks the opportunity to connect with people who may actually be a positive presence in your life. On the other hand, life long friendships will have some challenges and disagreements, but when the friendship is important enough and authentic enough, you can work through the difficulties. Only you and your friend can determine the course of your friendship. So take time to really look at the situation and to be honest with yourself and each other.

Remember most of all, true friendship makes both of you better people. Friends are a source of light, affirmation, and truth. Treat them the way you want to be treated.