Friends: No time for fake ones

One of the most important human needs is the connection found in positive relationships. We strive to be understood, respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. Many of us have friendships from the various stages of our lives: childhood, young adulthood, and beyond. Friendship is an important aspect of our lives. When it is healthy it is a source of inspiration, joy, support, and strength. Unfortunately, the wounds caused by insincere “friends” can also be the most hurtful. Most of us have had friendships that did not last and that resulted in some negative feelings. To help prevent some potential hurt, let us consider some warning signs that someone may not actually be a true friend.

1. One-sided. It is very important for friendship to be mutual. Both people need to have concern and respect for each other and both people need to desire contact and communication. If you have to initiate all of the conversations and times together, you should step back and think honestly about whether the other person truly wants the friendship.

2. Jealousy. A friend is happy for your successes. They want the best in life for you and are the main ones leading the parade to celebrate when things are going well in your life. If someone’s insecurity, envy, competitive spirit, makes it hard for them to enjoy your happiness, this is a major warning sign. If you have to start keeping your good news a secret for fear that they will get sad, angry, or distant, something is seriously wrong with the nature of the relationship.

3. Put downs disguised as jokes. The gift of friendship is that we can truly be honest with each other. If you really want feedback on something you said, something you wore, something you are thinking about doing, you can trust a real friend to tell you the truth. This is important but when things go too far and a person constantly puts you down there is a problem. Being in the presence of a friend makes you feel better about yourself not worse. A sense of humor is wonderful but someone who enjoys constantly making jokes at your expense is not really concerned for your feelings. Even if someone says, it is just their personality, remember we are all responsible for our words. Taking opportunities to cut someone down for entertainment is not an indicator of real friendship.

4. Watch your back. If you know someone is not trustworthy, you have to ask yourself why you continue to confide in them. If someone shares things you ask them not to share, if they talk about you to others, and if you cannot trust them in the presence of your romantic partner, this person is not your friend. A friend is someone who has your back not someone you have to fear will stab you in the back.

5. Wing clipper. Friends encourage you to grow, mature, thrive, and soar. They want you to live a happy and healthy life. If someone discourages you from doing positive things and encourages you to engage in negative behaviors, this is not a positive friendship. A friend honors the changes you try to make to live a better life instead of dragging you back to the bad habits of the past.

All of these warning signs represent both things we should avoid in others and in ourselves. To attract good friends we have to also strive to be a good friend. If someone is not being a good friend to you, you may want to first have an honest conversation with them to see if things can get better. If there is no improvement, it may be time to create some space and time in your life for more healthy friendships to develop. Most importantly, don’t let unhealthy friendships of the past cause you to cut off your willingness to trust someone new in the future. Isolation is not the answer. We just have to move forward with wisdom knowing that there are other people out there who value good friends.