Breaking the Cycle

Many of us were exposed to some things as children that were inappropriate at the least and abusive at the worst. These things may include but are not limited to early exposure to alcohol, guns, drugs, sexual activity, pornography, graphic language, adult-themed movies, or other issues from which we should have been protected. Those of us with insight can see some of the negative ways those early experiences affected our views of ourselves, other people, sexuality, violence, trust, and safety. If we are not careful we can repeat this cycle and expose the children and youth in our care to the same unhealthy experiences. There are a few important strategies to help us to stop the cycle.


1. Recognize the things that you were exposed to that were not healthy or appropriate. When we make excuses for these things we set ourselves up to create confusion in someone else’s life. So do not credit bad situations for making you the great person you are today. You are who you are because you worked hard to deal with those issues not because those things were good for you. We often don’t want to see our parents or caretakers in a negative light so we minimize things that were really out of order. If we continue to operate out of denial we are very likely to continue the patterns of dysfunction. So not in a spiteful way but in a honest way think back and consider what are things you wish had been done differently to better protect you.

2. Be honest with yourself about the impact those experiences have had on your life. When we continue to say I don’t see the harm in children being exposed to adult experiences, we are not living in a healthy place emotionally. It is the inability to acknowledge the harm that puts people at risk from moving from victims to perpetrators. The truth is there are long term consequences to starting smoking, drinking, getting high, watching violence and pornography, and participating in adult conversations and activities at an early age. It affects us on many levels and we have to see those wounds clearly so we can be motivated to interrupt these cycles to the best of our ability.

3. Look for the warning signs. We have to be vigilant, be careful about who we allow access to the children in our home, community, schools, Churches, etc. Some people have unhealthy intentions and some may have good intentions but have bad judgment. When we are naïve and live with blinders on refusing to see what we or others are doing, we create more unhealthy cycles. We never want to be the ones who refuse to see, refuse to believe, refuse to respond, and refuse to speak up. Many inappropriate things happen because of bystanders – those who sit back and say nothing. It may feel easier to remain silence and simply hope and pray it is not what we think it is but silence is a choice. It is a choice that supports the endangerment or disrespect of those who are most vulnerable.

The final and most important aspect of stopping these cycles is to create positive experiences for the young people who are around us. Our best memories are not just based on the absence of the negative but the presence of positive people. Positive adults who can bring safety, affirmation, insight, inspiration, and encouragement make all the difference. You have the capacity to be a life changer, not just for yourself but for someone from the next generation. Just because we experienced dysfunction doesn’t mean we have to continue it. Break the chain. Start a new legacy of wholeness, healthiness, and ha