The end of a relationship can be a very difficult time emotionally, socially, and even financially. A breakup provides a natural time to press pause and reflect both on the past and on the possibilities for the future. Sometimes we can feel that things can never get better after a serious relationship ends. We question ourselves, our ability to love, and the possibility of ever finding someone who can truly love us. Here are a few mental health pointers to assist and empower you in the aftermath of a breakup or divorce.
1. Allow yourself space and time to experience a range of feelings. You may feel relieved, angry, sad, confused, numb, or even happy. Relationships are complicated and the ending of a relationship is also usually quite complicated. It is natural that there are parts of the relationship that you will mourn, whether it is the loss of good times you shared together or the hopes that you had for a lifetime of love and commitment. There are times when we fall in love with the idea of the person or the person’s potential even more than who the person is in the present. It is important that you distinguish between the two. Be honest with yourself about what you have lost and what you never had. Along with the grief and loss it is also natural that you may feel angry for things that were done, relieved that the tension has decreased (if it has), or numb/empty. Be compassionate with yourself and honest with yourself about how you feel.
1. Allow yourself space and time to experience a range of feelings. You may feel relieved, angry, sad, confused, numb, or even happy. Relationships are complicated and the ending of a relationship is also usually quite complicated. It is natural that there are parts of the relationship that you will mourn, whether it is the loss of good times you shared together or the hopes that you had for a lifetime of love and commitment. There are times when we fall in love with the idea of the person or the person’s potential even more than who the person is in the present. It is important that you distinguish between the two. Be honest with yourself about what you have lost and what you never had. Along with the grief and loss it is also natural that you may feel angry for things that were done, relieved that the tension has decreased (if it has), or numb/empty. Be compassionate with yourself and honest with yourself about how you feel.
2. Don’t distract yourself by engaging in unhealthy behaviors or engaging in unhealthy relationships. It is not a good idea to cope by jumping into another relationship or attempting to escape with drugs, alcohol, food, or cigarettes. Along with not rushing into things or running from issues, it is also a good idea to take a time out before making any major life decisions.
3. Surround yourself with positive people. It doesn’t have to be a lot of people just make sure they are people who are safe, supportive, and encouraging. You don’t have to face this next chapter of your life alone. Fight through the depression, shame, and isolation. Reach out to others and let them help you. This includes family, friends, and mental health professionals.
4. Learn from the past. Consider what this relationship has taught you about yourself, about relationships, and about others. While none of us are perfect, we should all strive to make each relationship better than the last. We bring to the table the benefit of our gained wisdom from past experiences. The key is to not end up in dysfunctional patterns where we continue to repeat negative thoughts and behaviors instead of learning from them. What can you take from this situation as you prepare to move forward?
5. Get excited about your future. While you need to give yourself space and time to grieve the past, you also don’t want to get stuck in the past. Start to make plans for your future, try new hobbies, reach out to meet new people, and re-discover the things that used to bring you joy.
6. Start and maintain a healthy routine. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Even if you don’t feel like it, get up out of bed, try to eat good food, exercise, engage in activities that nurture you, and find ways to express yourself (talking to trusted friends and/or journaling, etc.). Put away things that remind you of the relationship such as pictures. Your actions affect your feelings so sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Don’t surrender to the blues. Fight to get reinvested in living, dreaming, loving, and laughing. Remember if it feels overwhelming, you don’t have to handle it alone. Seek out friends, support groups, or a counselor to help you get back on track.
Life is for the living and there is still a lot of life available to you. The past is powerful and can be painful but remember you still have the power to create the next chapter of your life. Give yourself permission to turn the page.
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