Recognizing the Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Domestic violence and dating violence are wide-spread issues that affect people of all backgrounds. An abusive relationship can be emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically abusive. Often the abuse starts off small and then escalates. Abuse in a relationship is not just about someone losing their temper. It is about power and control. It is based on their belief that they have the right to control and abuse you. Unfortunately many of us miss the warning signs that demonstrate a pattern of unhealthy behaviors. We often hope the behaviors will go away or hope that they are not a big deal. It is very important to learn to detect the warning signs so you can get to a safe place, physically and emotionally. Abusive people will try to date many people. The key is to trust yourself enough to know when someone is crossing the line. It is true that all relationships will have disagreements but abuse, violation, and violence are never acceptable.

Here are some important warning signs that you may be with an abusive partner:
Do you:
• Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Do the following descriptions describe your partner?
• Extreme jealousy
• Constant insults or ridicule
• Telling you what you can and can’t do
• Financial Control
• Possessiveness or controlling behavior
• Making false accusations
• Keeping you from seeing or talking with family and friends

Does your partner:
• Humiliate or yell at you?
• Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
• Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Destroy your belongings?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

If you answered “yes” to one, a few, or all of the questions, here are some steps for you to consider.
1. Break the isolation and shame by finding a safe person. You may want to confide in a friend, family member, therapist, police officer, or co-worker. Make sure it is someone you feel you can trust.
2. Remind yourself that the abuse is not your fault. There is no action that justifies abusive behavior.
3. Think about the possibility of getting out of the relationship. Consider the safety issues and the practical issues of where you would go and how you would go.
4. Look on-line or contact the local police station to find out available resources in your area. Resources may include counseling, housing, childcare, transportation, and legal advocacy.
5. Remember healthy relationships are based on love, respect, and trust. If those things are absent, you are not in a healthy relationship.
6. Be patient with yourself. It can be a very difficult and frightening experience to think about leaving an abusive person.
7. Consider counseling for yourself and see if your partner is willing to go to counseling. It is recommended that you both go individually instead of having sessions together.
8. Get more assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).