Assertiveness: Come out of the box

We all have experiences that can leave us feeling boxed in, silenced, or powerless. People who assert themselves can be labeled trouble makers or demanding and yet we also see the very real cost of denying our needs. To understand our tendency to stifle ourselves, it is important to consider the roots. This may be uncovered in part in by thinking about the models you saw growing up. How did your parents or the persons who raised you handle conflict? Were you shown on a regular basis a lack of response in the face of intolerable situations?


Sometimes we have been placed in a box by cultural oppression. People may use unhealthy religious teachings to require your silence. Some faith teachings focus on women being subservient in the face of toxic, abusive situations or they may teach that all people should quickly forgive and forget no matter the offense. This does not leave space for healthy assertiveness or the confrontation of issues that need to be addressed. Culturally we may have also been taught by those within or outside of our community that going with the flow of things, even when they are not just, is the only way to survive. Finally sometimes we have had our voice, power, assertiveness taken through other traumatic experiences such as abuse, assault, and other forms of violence.

Regardless of what or who placed you in the box, it is important for your emotional well-being and livelihood that you come out. A part of being healthy is being able to communicate your identity, thoughts, and feelings. Of course to communicate those things I have to first know what they are. In other words, if I am asserting something I have no clarity about, it creates confusion. So first get clear about who you are and what you want. Then consider the dynamics. Successful assertiveness requires that you consider the timing, place, and person. Truth-telling is important but you can make or break the experience by when and where you choose to do it. We have to also consider the recipient of our communication. People have different personalities so if I respond to all people in a cookie cutter formulaic way, I will not reap the best benefits out of my social interactions. We lose out in some circumstances not because of what we had to say but the way in which it was said. When considering what to say, along with timing and content, be mindful that you are communicating clearly and when possible, calmly. There is nothing like attempting to assert yourself and no one knows what you are talking about. It is also not helpful when we are so overwhelmed that instead of tuning into our message, people became distracted by the level of our distress. Try to take a few deep breaths, before and during your communication. Don’t apologize for what you have to say. Look at the person directly. Convey a sense of seriousness. As we create an environment for mutual respect, we transform the situation for the better. Come out of the box and express yourself.