Power over Painful Memories

All of us have had painful experiences in our past. Many times we are able to push forward with our lives but when we haven’t deal with these difficult memories, they continue to dominate our thinking. Even those, who have tried to deal with these memories, will have times when disturbing thoughts and feelings come up. Psychologists call reminders of these painful memories “triggers”. A trigger may be a particular smell, a person, people who remind you of a person, a place, a specific touch, the time of year/anniversary of the event, getting close to a person/intimacy, or having a child who turns the age that we were at the time of the event. It is normal for there to be things that remind us of the past. The key is for us to find healthy ways of navigating these memories.

1. Find healthy ways to express the things that happened in your past. This may be through journaling or talking to someone who you can trust such as a counselor. Trying to push it out of your mind is not a long term solution.

2. Remember that distracting yourself from the memory with unhealthy tools such as drinking, smoking, eating, engaging in risky sexual activities, compulsive shopping, or gambling end up leading to more problems.

3. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that difficult wounds have a lasting impression even if they happened as a child.

4. Remind yourself that the memory affects you but doesn’t define you. In other words there is more to you than your past.

5. Start to be aware of what triggers you have so you can be prepared. If you get upset around the same each year, begin engaging in self care activities before that date so you better manage the distress. For example, you may want to create a healthy ritual for remembering but not getting stuck in the past or you may want to make plans with people who are safe and affirming. Another example is sexual intimacy. If it is difficult for you because it reminds you of the past, try to keep your eyes open so you can see that the present is not the past.

6. Instead of focusing all of your energy on the negative, make a list of the good that has happened in your life as well as the good you want for your future.

7. To combat the tendency for self-blame and shame, consider the positive traits about yourself. You are a survivor and quite possibly there are even ways you have grown and thrived. Don’t allow the pain of the past to diminish your view of yourself or your possibility.

8. Commit to living positively and renew that commitment each day. Even if you don’t feel like it, let yourself rest, eat something healthy, work to build good relationships, invest in your mental and physical health, and pursue your purpose.

Memories are powerful. The past is beyond our control but you do have the capacity to shape your present. Allow yourself to acknowledge the past, to work through it, and to affirm the gift of the present. Healing is a process that requires patience and perseverance. Don’t give up.