Sunday, May 23, 2010

Forgiveness is a Process



We need to understand that forgiveness is a process and when it comes from a healthy place it takes time. Often people who proclaim instant forgiveness haven’t given themselves time and space to really work through what has happened. Many of us feel a moral or religious urgency to forgive but we must make sure we are being honest with ourselves and honoring our true feelings.

Forgiveness can be liberating. It can free us and keep us from being stuck in the past but in order for it to truly be effective, it needs to be something we have faced not simply something we have stifled.

What are some signs that you still need to work through the issue?
1. You can’t think about it or talk about it without becoming overwhelmed.
2. Someone hurt you or your children but you feel the need to protect them by making their feelings your first priority.
3. You have a lot of physical ailments or somatic complaints. Somatic complaints are bodily symptoms that have no medical explanation such as migraines, digestive issues, and muscle ache.
4. You still blame yourself for the actions of the other person.
5. You are struggling with depression, PTSD, or panic attacks.
6. You are engaging in harmful activities such as unsafe sexual practices, harmful eating habits, substance abuse, or an inability to sleep through the night.
7. Your emotions feel out of control. You either experience very extreme, uncontrollable outbursts or you are totally numb.
8. You can’t figure out why you’re not happy.
9. You are often in unhealthy, exploitive relationships.

So what are some good steps to take in the process toward forgiveness?
1. Be honest with yourself and if it is safe be honest with the person about how the experience has affected you. Trying to bury your feelings only distracts you from the healing work that needs to be done.

2. Find constructive ways not destructive ways to release your anger. Instead of turning to violence, vengeance, or other negative behaviors try some healthy strategies. Some things that may help are journaling, talking to those you trust, exercise, getting active in your community, spiritual activities, and expressing yourself through artistic expression.

3. Accept that you may never know the reason for what has happened. Sometimes we say we can’t move forward until we know why. The truth is the person who did it may not really understand the reason for their behavior. Instead of handing your healing over to them for an explanation accept the fact that your growth is not dependent on their process.

4. Use thought stopping. When you find yourself replaying the event over and over in your mind, begin to actively take control over your thinking. Focus your energy on what is going right in your life and begin to imagine the life you would like to create for yourself.

5. If you have made a decision to forgive, be patient with yourself. There are times when things will remind you of what happened. Understand that this is a part of the process but with each season your ability to survive the memories will grow stronger.

6. Remember that forgiving the person doesn’t mean that what happened is OK or acceptable. The act or actions were wrong but you may choose to not make the event the center of your life.

7. Consider what empowering lessons you can learn from the experience. What have you learned about yourself, about the other person, about relationships, about life in general?

8. If you feel stuck, consider speaking with a counselor. Therapy is a helpful place to work through difficult experiences and to determine how to best move forward with your life.

In essence, forgiveness is not just something to do merely out of obligation to the other person. When it is authentic, forgiveness can be freedom for you. You can be liberated so that the past no longer has the final say in your life. Living life controlled by anger, grief, and despair, is no way to really live. You deserve more and more is possible. Begin now. Exhale.

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