Setting Boundaries

An important skill to develop is learning to set boundaries personally and professionally. This goes against the people pleasing mentality which requires that we attempt to be all things to all people while neglecting ourselves. If you notice yourself feeling frustrated, taken advantage of, overworked, overextended, resentful, and/or constantly tired, you may need to start setting more boundaries.

Here are few mental health tips for setting boundaries.
1. When a request is made of you take time to think about it instead of always giving an instant “yes”. You need to consider your other responsibilities, if this is in line with your purpose and life goals, if you have the skill and energy to successfully complete the task, and what place does it have in the grand scheme of things.

2. When you decide to say “no” do so without regret or guilt. When we exude guilt it leaves the door open for the person to continue to ask. You can communicate compassionately but clearly that you are unable to fulfill the request.

3. Setting physical boundaries is also important. If you feel someone is violating your physical space, speak up and attempt to physically move. Your body is a temple and worthy of respect and protection. If you are uncomfortable, trust that feeling and do what you can to interrupt the behavior or touch that is making you uncomfortable. The person may or may not mean any harm but if they are a touchy feely person and that makes you anxious or uncomfortable, the only way they will know it is if you let them know it.

4. Setting personal boundaries is also important. If someone asks you questions about a personal matter that you don’t feel comfortable answering, resist the automatic response that leads to answering now and regretting it later. You can say directly that you do not wish to have that conversation with them, you can change the subject, or you can simply walk away or end the phone call. When someone is attempting to bully or intimidate you, the behavior will often escalate until we shift it. Do what you can to end the intrusive pattern early.

5. Break the silence. Often when we remain silent the intrusions on our emotional and physical space multiple. Learn to speak up and express how you feel. Communication is an integral component to setting boundaries. Communicate directly and honestly to ensure the person knows the specific behavior that makes you uncomfortable and which you would like to stop.

6. When someone crosses your boundaries or otherwise takes advantage of you, do not pretend to yourself or to them that it didn’t happen. This masking or denial only serves to erase the impact of the earlier communication. People unfortunately do not always take words seriously. If it is important to you, be prepared to follow up with action. This is not threatening or manipulation but taking steps to protect and respect yourself and your feelings.

7. Celebrate yourself when you set boundaries instead of getting caught up in a guilt trip. It is a sign of strength and emotional maturity when you are able to set healthy boundaries. When you affirm yourself for doing this, it will become easier and easier.

Remember:
 You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.
 You do not have to constantly be on the go to be valuable or good enough.
 You can take important steps to preserve your well-being.

Life Balance

There are times that we can get consumed by our career, ambition, work, and to-do lists. This can lead to stress on our minds, bodies, and spirits. It is so important that we learn to live in balance. Being successful professionally while our families fall a part is very problematic. Likewise climbing the corporate or educational ladder but neglecting our spirits is a set-up for an unfulfilled life. When we don’t live in balance, we end up burned out. When we don’t live in balance, we end up confused and frustrated by the seeming contradiction between vast emptiness next to a growing list of accomplishments, promotions, or degrees.

At the same time, there are those of us who live off-balance in the other direction. When we spend all of our time in leisure mode we also can experience a sense of dissatisfaction. Hours of reality television, perpetual napping, snacking, and shopping can heighten feelings of depression. Even in the realm of spirituality, there is a saying that “some people are so heaven-bound that they are no earthly good”. In other words, if all my focus is on eternity, I can miss out on the blessing of the present moment.

So we have to strive to live with balance. Work, leisure, family, community, generosity, and spirituality are all important parts of life. The only way to fit them all in is to make time. We have to be pro-active about our schedules. Ecclesiastes says there is a time for every purpose under the sun. Make time to pursue your passion, take time to rest, create space and time to be with those you love, protect time and resources to share with those beyond your immediate circle, and definitely carve out time to do those things that nourish your spirit. When we live in balance, we experience greater satisfaction and we are better able to show up to the task at hand without bitterness, fatigue, or frustration.

Assess your life. Does your schedule reflect your priorities? To be realistic, I know sometimes we have to work longer hours given our financial situation. Even with those demands, make time for you even if it means waking up earlier so you can start your day from a place of balance. It may also mean looking down the road to determine if this is the pace at which you want to live your life. If it is not, what can you begin to do now so that in the future you can shift to a place of better balance? That may mean going back to school or a training program. It may mean looking for a position at a different location or it may mean turning off the internal voice that is seeking to measure your worth by your level of busyness. While there are external pressures, you can make living in balance a valued priority that guides your decision making in every aspect of your life.

Press pause and seek balance. Breathe and balance.

Self care

We live very busy lives, running between responsibilities, and attempting to balance many different hats. We need to schedule time for self care. We have to make the nourishing and resting of our spirits a priority. When we constantly give without making time to receive, we end up burned out, frustrated, irritated, and less productive. Running on empty, results in bodies and minds that one day protest in emotional and physical distress. There are many symptoms of stress and strain that we can prevent by routinely pressing pause on our lives.

Take time to rest, restore, reflect, and stretch. The truth is we often micro-manage, stress over things that are not important, and over-commit. We may over-commit because we are trying to prove ourselves or because we are uncomfortable setting boundaries. Self care however is necessary for your health. We have to learn to say “no” to some things, so we can say “yes” to thinks that truly matter to us.

Living life eating out of vending machines or drive thru windows does not honor the sacredness of our temples. Living life without resting does not honor our health. There are occasional times when we have to sacrifice to meet a deadline or complete a special project but that should not be our normal state of being. Re-order your life such that you can work smart and not just work hard. Make your emotional and physical well-being a priority and protect time for you.

Self care begins with your morning routine. Instead of waking up at the last minute and having to run out of the door, make a point of rising early enough for you to get centered and grounded to start your day from a calm place. There are ways that you can re-set the pace of your life. Consider the ways you can slow down and take steps to make it happen. Begin to schedule seasons of pause into your life. There is a time for every purpose so take time to reflect, restore, and revive. You, your health, and your peace of mind, are worth protecting.