Dr. Thema talking about Trauma Recovery and "For Colored Girls"

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Power over Painful Memories

All of us have had painful experiences in our past. Many times we are able to push forward with our lives but when we haven’t deal with these difficult memories, they continue to dominate our thinking. Even those, who have tried to deal with these memories, will have times when disturbing thoughts and feelings come up. Psychologists call reminders of these painful memories “triggers”. A trigger may be a particular smell, a person, people who remind you of a person, a place, a specific touch, the time of year/anniversary of the event, getting close to a person/intimacy, or having a child who turns the age that we were at the time of the event. It is normal for there to be things that remind us of the past. The key is for us to find healthy ways of navigating these memories.

1. Find healthy ways to express the things that happened in your past. This may be through journaling or talking to someone who you can trust such as a counselor. Trying to push it out of your mind is not a long term solution.

2. Remember that distracting yourself from the memory with unhealthy tools such as drinking, smoking, eating, engaging in risky sexual activities, compulsive shopping, or gambling end up leading to more problems.

3. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that difficult wounds have a lasting impression even if they happened as a child.

4. Remind yourself that the memory affects you but doesn’t define you. In other words there is more to you than your past.

5. Start to be aware of what triggers you have so you can be prepared. If you get upset around the same each year, begin engaging in self care activities before that date so you better manage the distress. For example, you may want to create a healthy ritual for remembering but not getting stuck in the past or you may want to make plans with people who are safe and affirming. Another example is sexual intimacy. If it is difficult for you because it reminds you of the past, try to keep your eyes open so you can see that the present is not the past.

6. Instead of focusing all of your energy on the negative, make a list of the good that has happened in your life as well as the good you want for your future.

7. To combat the tendency for self-blame and shame, consider the positive traits about yourself. You are a survivor and quite possibly there are even ways you have grown and thrived. Don’t allow the pain of the past to diminish your view of yourself or your possibility.

8. Commit to living positively and renew that commitment each day. Even if you don’t feel like it, let yourself rest, eat something healthy, work to build good relationships, invest in your mental and physical health, and pursue your purpose.

Memories are powerful. The past is beyond our control but you do have the capacity to shape your present. Allow yourself to acknowledge the past, to work through it, and to affirm the gift of the present. Healing is a process that requires patience and perseverance. Don’t give up.

Healing Your Self Worth

There are those of us who have experienced multiple abuses, traumas, betrayals, and violations. When this happens it is only natural to begin to feel you are not as worthy of protection or value as others who have not had these experiences. This is especially the case when there were persons who knew what was happening to you and did not intervene. The challenge here is to not let the way others treat you dictate the way you feel about yourself.

The language that comes to mind is a term that we often think about on a large scale, but not as an individual and the term is “human rights”. Fundamentally there are certain things that no one should be subjected to and the violations that happened to your body, heart, mind, or spirit should not have occurred. When people trespass your boundaries and trust that reflects something about them and not something about you.

Even though people may not have recognized your worth, you are worthy of respect, kindness, compassion, and concern. Dysfunction in individuals, families, communities, and even nations manifest itself in various forms of abuse. While there are things each of us can do to reduce the risk of violation, the truth is violation happens every day to people of all walks of life.

In terms of the healing journey, it is very difficult to believe in a “you” that contradicts the “you” that others have tried to define; however this is exactly what you need to do. The truth is you are not ugly. You are not stupid. You are not worthless. Once you begin to shed the shame and challenge the lies, you will get a glimpse of your true identity. This process can be challenging and many find the support of a therapist very helpful along the way. There are, additionally, a number of things you can do for yourself:

• Listen and discern which people in your life promote positive messages about you versus those who seek to bring you down. Spend time with the positive and minimize or eliminate time with the negative.

• Recognize and interrupt yourself from engaging in negative self-talk about your worth.

• Examine the evidence: Look honestly at the things you have managed to get right. The list may be short but the more confident you feel the more you will be able to see your strengths.

• Determine the root of the myths. Who told you these degrading things about yourself and how did it benefit them for you to believe these myths? On the other hand, how will it affect you and those around you if you begin to think more positively about yourself?

• Be patient with yourself. When you have endured a lot, it takes time to heal.

Remember most of all that there is no room for abuse and no excuse for violation. It is important that a part of you holds on to this truth. When you can begin to glimpse this reality, you will feel differently and become more comfortable living a life of fulfillment and empowerment.