10 Tips for Improving your Relationship

There is much attention given to the issues of being attractive, flirting, and dating. Much less attention is given to how to sustain a healthy, happy relationship. This requires important skills that many of us did not observe growing up. Here are a few tips from a mental health perspective.

1. Seek wellness. Our emotional stress and strain can create stress and strain on the relationship. When you feel better about yourself, you are able to be a better partner. Take care of yourself in ways that work for you. These can include quiet time, journaling, counseling, praying, exercising, engaging in activities that you enjoy, and getting rest.

2. Give genuine compliments. We often are quick to point out the things that are wrong with the relationship or to even stop talking at all. It is important to recognize and appreciate the things your partner is doing right. You want your relationship to be a place of emotional safety and nourishment for both of you. Be sure to do your part in giving affirmation, compliments, and validation.

3. Broaden your world. We all want to be heard, understood, and respected. Even if they are not your primary interests, learn about the things that interest your partner. Talk with them about their hopes, dreams, and disappointments; also be open in sharing your world with them.

4. Spontaneity. People sometimes feel a relationship is boring but we have the capacity to interrupt the routine. Plan something out of the ordinary, be willing to step out of the regular pattern, and spice up your love life.

5. Forgiveness. We are not perfect and our partners are perfect. As long as you are not being abused or abusing your partner, you need to learn not to cling to the past. Words and inconsiderate behaviors hurt us but if you are going to keep an active hold on the past you will not be free to build a future with your partner. Letting go of the past doesn’t mean that it was OK for the person to do what they did but it means your love and respect for each other in the present is stronger than the errors of the past. (If there is abuse of any kind, I recommend individual counseling for both of you.)

6. Quality Time. Spend time doing an activity together. Cooking, praying, talking, walking, dancing, and laughing. If we are not careful we can grow a part and that is when many people start turning to others instead of to each other. While you will face stress together, you don’t want the relationship to be defined by stress. You want to have a strong foundation and connection so you can get through the storms of life together. You build this strength by spending good times together.

7. Communicate and compromise. One of the greatest parts of thorough pre-marital counseling is the segment on expectations. Often we have expectations about roles, responsibilities, and routines that we have not communicated. These expectations may come from our parents, our past relationships, our dreams, or even from media portrayals of relationships. You need to express yourself, your needs, hopes, fantasies, fears, and concerns. You have to also know that no matter how alike you and your partner are your expectations will not be identical in every area. There has to be room for compromise recognizing that you are two different people who are learning to love each other.

8. Emotional and physical intimacy. If you are closed off from each other you can easily slip into the role of roommates who live under the same roof but are actually quite distant. Be willing to open up emotionally. To grow in trust we have to be willing to be honest and risk vulnerability to another person. To truly be loved we have to be known and we can’t be known if we are living a lie. Intimacy means take the mask off, come of the stage, and be free to be you. Intimacy is also physical affection. Work on getting comfortable with your sexuality. Reclaim your passion and creativity. Constant fatigue, holding grudges, and discomfort with our changing bodies can be barriers to physical intimacy. Be intentional about nurturing every aspect of the relationship, including the heart, mind, body, and spirit.

9. Being comfortable does not mean being cruel. Sometimes we can start to take each other for granted. Being honest is not the same as being mean-spirited or inconsiderate. Consider your partner’s feelings and do not operate in such a way that assumes they aren’t going anywhere so you can do whatever you want. Yes you want to be yourself but being real does not replace kindness and respect.

10. Social justice and community empowerment. Instead of getting caught up in a narrow view of life, engage in community work together. It is a wonderful thing to come together around something larger than you. This may include volunteering with those who are homeless or suffering in other ways, creating artwork together, attend community organizing events together, purchasing and giving donations together, assisting with a youth program together, or participating in walks together that are aimed at raising awareness and funds for a particular cause. These larger issues can play a special role in bringing us closer to each other as we remember our shared values and compassion.

Healthy, lasting relationships require sustained efforts. When you both put in the effort, you reap the benefits of being authentically known, loved, and celebrated. It’s possible and every relationship can be improved when we commit fully to the process.

Friends: No time for fake ones

One of the most important human needs is the connection found in positive relationships. We strive to be understood, respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. Many of us have friendships from the various stages of our lives: childhood, young adulthood, and beyond. Friendship is an important aspect of our lives. When it is healthy it is a source of inspiration, joy, support, and strength. Unfortunately, the wounds caused by insincere “friends” can also be the most hurtful. Most of us have had friendships that did not last and that resulted in some negative feelings. To help prevent some potential hurt, let us consider some warning signs that someone may not actually be a true friend.

1. One-sided. It is very important for friendship to be mutual. Both people need to have concern and respect for each other and both people need to desire contact and communication. If you have to initiate all of the conversations and times together, you should step back and think honestly about whether the other person truly wants the friendship.

2. Jealousy. A friend is happy for your successes. They want the best in life for you and are the main ones leading the parade to celebrate when things are going well in your life. If someone’s insecurity, envy, competitive spirit, makes it hard for them to enjoy your happiness, this is a major warning sign. If you have to start keeping your good news a secret for fear that they will get sad, angry, or distant, something is seriously wrong with the nature of the relationship.

3. Put downs disguised as jokes. The gift of friendship is that we can truly be honest with each other. If you really want feedback on something you said, something you wore, something you are thinking about doing, you can trust a real friend to tell you the truth. This is important but when things go too far and a person constantly puts you down there is a problem. Being in the presence of a friend makes you feel better about yourself not worse. A sense of humor is wonderful but someone who enjoys constantly making jokes at your expense is not really concerned for your feelings. Even if someone says, it is just their personality, remember we are all responsible for our words. Taking opportunities to cut someone down for entertainment is not an indicator of real friendship.

4. Watch your back. If you know someone is not trustworthy, you have to ask yourself why you continue to confide in them. If someone shares things you ask them not to share, if they talk about you to others, and if you cannot trust them in the presence of your romantic partner, this person is not your friend. A friend is someone who has your back not someone you have to fear will stab you in the back.

5. Wing clipper. Friends encourage you to grow, mature, thrive, and soar. They want you to live a happy and healthy life. If someone discourages you from doing positive things and encourages you to engage in negative behaviors, this is not a positive friendship. A friend honors the changes you try to make to live a better life instead of dragging you back to the bad habits of the past.

All of these warning signs represent both things we should avoid in others and in ourselves. To attract good friends we have to also strive to be a good friend. If someone is not being a good friend to you, you may want to first have an honest conversation with them to see if things can get better. If there is no improvement, it may be time to create some space and time in your life for more healthy friendships to develop. Most importantly, don’t let unhealthy friendships of the past cause you to cut off your willingness to trust someone new in the future. Isolation is not the answer. We just have to move forward with wisdom knowing that there are other people out there who value good friends.

Breaking the Cycle

Many of us were exposed to some things as children that were inappropriate at the least and abusive at the worst. These things may include but are not limited to early exposure to alcohol, guns, drugs, sexual activity, pornography, graphic language, adult-themed movies, or other issues from which we should have been protected. Those of us with insight can see some of the negative ways those early experiences affected our views of ourselves, other people, sexuality, violence, trust, and safety. If we are not careful we can repeat this cycle and expose the children and youth in our care to the same unhealthy experiences. There are a few important strategies to help us to stop the cycle.


1. Recognize the things that you were exposed to that were not healthy or appropriate. When we make excuses for these things we set ourselves up to create confusion in someone else’s life. So do not credit bad situations for making you the great person you are today. You are who you are because you worked hard to deal with those issues not because those things were good for you. We often don’t want to see our parents or caretakers in a negative light so we minimize things that were really out of order. If we continue to operate out of denial we are very likely to continue the patterns of dysfunction. So not in a spiteful way but in a honest way think back and consider what are things you wish had been done differently to better protect you.

2. Be honest with yourself about the impact those experiences have had on your life. When we continue to say I don’t see the harm in children being exposed to adult experiences, we are not living in a healthy place emotionally. It is the inability to acknowledge the harm that puts people at risk from moving from victims to perpetrators. The truth is there are long term consequences to starting smoking, drinking, getting high, watching violence and pornography, and participating in adult conversations and activities at an early age. It affects us on many levels and we have to see those wounds clearly so we can be motivated to interrupt these cycles to the best of our ability.

3. Look for the warning signs. We have to be vigilant, be careful about who we allow access to the children in our home, community, schools, Churches, etc. Some people have unhealthy intentions and some may have good intentions but have bad judgment. When we are naïve and live with blinders on refusing to see what we or others are doing, we create more unhealthy cycles. We never want to be the ones who refuse to see, refuse to believe, refuse to respond, and refuse to speak up. Many inappropriate things happen because of bystanders – those who sit back and say nothing. It may feel easier to remain silence and simply hope and pray it is not what we think it is but silence is a choice. It is a choice that supports the endangerment or disrespect of those who are most vulnerable.

The final and most important aspect of stopping these cycles is to create positive experiences for the young people who are around us. Our best memories are not just based on the absence of the negative but the presence of positive people. Positive adults who can bring safety, affirmation, insight, inspiration, and encouragement make all the difference. You have the capacity to be a life changer, not just for yourself but for someone from the next generation. Just because we experienced dysfunction doesn’t mean we have to continue it. Break the chain. Start a new legacy of wholeness, healthiness, and ha

Power over Painful Memories

All of us have had painful experiences in our past. Many times we are able to push forward with our lives but when we haven’t deal with these difficult memories, they continue to dominate our thinking. Even those, who have tried to deal with these memories, will have times when disturbing thoughts and feelings come up. Psychologists call reminders of these painful memories “triggers”. A trigger may be a particular smell, a person, people who remind you of a person, a place, a specific touch, the time of year/anniversary of the event, getting close to a person/intimacy, or having a child who turns the age that we were at the time of the event. It is normal for there to be things that remind us of the past. The key is for us to find healthy ways of navigating these memories.

1. Find healthy ways to express the things that happened in your past. This may be through journaling or talking to someone who you can trust such as a counselor. Trying to push it out of your mind is not a long term solution.

2. Remember that distracting yourself from the memory with unhealthy tools such as drinking, smoking, eating, engaging in risky sexual activities, compulsive shopping, or gambling end up leading to more problems.

3. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that difficult wounds have a lasting impression even if they happened as a child.

4. Remind yourself that the memory affects you but doesn’t define you. In other words there is more to you than your past.

5. Start to be aware of what triggers you have so you can be prepared. If you get upset around the same each year, begin engaging in self care activities before that date so you better manage the distress. For example, you may want to create a healthy ritual for remembering but not getting stuck in the past or you may want to make plans with people who are safe and affirming. Another example is sexual intimacy. If it is difficult for you because it reminds you of the past, try to keep your eyes open so you can see that the present is not the past.

6. Instead of focusing all of your energy on the negative, make a list of the good that has happened in your life as well as the good you want for your future.

7. To combat the tendency for self-blame and shame, consider the positive traits about yourself. You are a survivor and quite possibly there are even ways you have grown and thrived. Don’t allow the pain of the past to diminish your view of yourself or your possibility.

8. Commit to living positively and renew that commitment each day. Even if you don’t feel like it, let yourself rest, eat something healthy, work to build good relationships, invest in your mental and physical health, and pursue your purpose.

Memories are powerful. The past is beyond our control but you do have the capacity to shape your present. Allow yourself to acknowledge the past, to work through it, and to affirm the gift of the present. Healing is a process that requires patience and perseverance. Don’t give up.

Healing Your Hunger: Addressing Emotional Eating

Most of us have had times when we ate not because we were actually hungry but because we had unmet emotional needs. We sometimes eat when we are sad, anxious, bored, lonely, or even happy. Eating for any reason other than physical hunger is called emotional eating. We often turn to comfort foods such as ice cream, chocolate, cookies, pizza, steak, or chips. An occasional chocolate bar does not harm us but many of us eat high calorie diets and do not exercise. This results in us being overweight or even obese. There are some important strategies, from a mental health perspective, to empower you to have a healthier relationship with food and your body temple.

1. Recognize when you are experiencing emotional hunger versus physical hunger. Emotional hunger is often sudden instead of gradual. It results in a craving for a specific food as opposed to simply the need to eat in general. Additionally emotional eating continues even after your body is physically full and afterward we often feel guilty for what we have eaten.

2. Educate yourself on the negative consequences of being overweight or obese. The consequences include but are not limited to increased depression, eating disorders, body image dissatisfaction, heart disease, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, heart failure, stroke, type 2 diabetes, and low self esteem. In America, being overweight cuts off our lives by approximately five years.

3. It is next important to recognize your eating triggers. What are the situations that result in you engaging in emotional eating? Examples include eating socially to cover feelings of inadequacy, eating to fill the void when one is stressed, bored, angry, tired, or depressed, eating simply because the food is there, eating after a series of negative thoughts about yourself, or excessive eating after you have denied yourself food by skipping meals. These are just a few examples. Each person has to determine for themselves the circumstances, thoughts, and feelings that often precede emotional eating.

4. It is the important to practice using other strategies to handle your issues. One strategy is distraction such as reading, going for a walk, taking a bubble bath, exercising, playing a game, talking to a friend, doing housework, or other pleasurable activities to pass the time. Besides distraction, you may want to also consider meditation, problem solving, and talking about the issue with a counselor or other trusted person.

5. Eliminate or reduce your consumption of high fat foods, highly processed foods, and fast foods. Eat more fruits and vegetables and drink more water.

6. Engage in regular exercise. Over 60% of Americans don’t get sufficient physical exercise. Walk more, go to the gym, exercise in your home, and engage in outdoor physical activity. It is recommended that you exercise 3 – 5 times a week for 30 to 60 minutes. Cut back on sedentary activities such as hours of television, movies, video games, and sitting at a desk all day without any physical activity.

7. Get in environments and around people that are motivating not discouraging or sabotaging.

8. If and when you have a set-back, don’t surrender. Falling off of your program is not a reason to give up totally. Each day is a new opportunity to take care of you: mind, body, and spirit.

Your body temple is sacred. Heal the wounds of the past and present. Take responsibility for your eating and exercise. Choose self care over shame and freedom over food bondage. Yes you can!

Dealing with Anger

Anger is a healthy emotion that can sometimes be expressed in unhealthy ways. Some of us are consumed with anger and we have aggressive outbursts while others of us swallow our anger and it eats us up on the inside. Anger is a feeling that can range from mild irritation to intense rage. It is a natural response to situations where we feel threatened, harmed, wronged, or disrespected. We may also become angry when we feel another person is being threatened or harmed. Sometimes we may become angry with ourselves or with issues that we feel are blocking our desires or goals.

While some of us have been taught from family, cultural, or religious teachings that anger is unacceptable, it is important to know that anger is healthy when it is expressed in a healthy way. When something unjust has occurred it is natural to become angry about it. We just have to make sure that we use the outrage to motivate us in a positive way and not in a way that does harm to ourselves or to others.

Many of us have only seen violent anger so we avoid anger at all costs. The price for this is hefty and weighs us down emotionally. From a mental health perspective it is important that we learn to express our anger instead of either denying it or allowing it to lead to explosive outbursts.

1. Seek to avoid destructive anger. Destructive expressions of anger are abusive, out of control, shame inducing, or violent. Examples of this can include hitting a person, destroying their property, stalking, seeking revenge, and verbal assaults in person or on-line. Destructive expressions of anger can lead to loss of relationships, loss of employment, loss of self respect, and loss of perspective.

2. Acknowledge and understand your anger. Denial is not healthy. When we don’t allow ourselves to be aware of and express our anger, if it finally comes out it is often intense and out of control. This is demonstrated when we sit on issues for years and then when the person does one additional small thing we blow up with the rage that has been mounting for a long time. This is not a healthy or effective strategy for handling difficulties. You need to be honest with yourself about the fact that you are angry and then determine the real source of your anger. Is the anger in part masking fear, disappointment, sadness, or insecurity? Is the anger truly at the person you are directing it toward or is it really about something else? To heal it you have to face it. To address it you have to acknowledge it.

3. Express your anger in constructive ways. Constructive outlets for anger include but are not limited to writing, talking, exercise, spiritual practice, and safe confrontation/mediation. Other constructive activities are seeking justice, promoting practical solutions, and working to prevent the circumstance from happening to others. Some final strategies people use are reducing or eliminating time with the person who provokes the anger in your life, focusing on the positive aspects to one’s current circumstance, praying, going to counseling, reading self help books, and finding the humor (not mean-spirited sarcasm) in the midst of the storm.

Get a handle on your anger. People who learn to successfully manage their anger have better communication skills, increased energy levels, strengthened relationships, improved physical and mental health, increased self esteem, more effective coping skills, and are able to see things from different perspectives. Don’t’ allow yourself to get stuck in anger. Work through it, on your own or with a counselor. By honestly dealing with your anger you can avoid emotional self sabotage. Exhale.

Positive Parenting

Positive Parenting
Parenting is a lifelong commitment that transforms lives and shapes future generations. It is very challenging to be an effective parent. There are so many ways that we can fall short of the goal. The key is to learn from the past and be intentional about the way we go forward. Here are a few pointers from a mental health perspective.

1. To raise a confident child, you need to build your confidence. Children pay attention to not only what we say but we do. We are important role models in our child’s lives. We often pass on our habits to our children. This includes our approach to relationships, eating, television, education, finances, coping, substances, and spirituality. Children are thinkers and will not duplicate us exactly but the way we live does have an impact. Heal your issues so you don’t pass on unhealthy habits to the next generation. Along with teaching our children important values with our words, we need to also demonstrate our values in the way we live.

2. Express your love and respect for your child with your words and actions. Tell them that you love them, that you are proud of them, and that you believe in them. Then follow up your words with actions. Spend quality time with them and let them know that you enjoy being with them. When your children feel like a burden or feel unloved they will start looking for attention in negative ways or from negative people. A child who knows what love and respect feel like will go into the world knowing they have value instead of constantly feeling defeated or unworthy.

3. Set your children up for success. Develop their talents and skills by teaching them what you know and getting them involved in programs that build on their abilities. When we leave our children’s development up to other adults like teachers, we miss an important opportunity to invest in the success of our children. It is also important that you not burden your children with the belief that they have to fulfill your dreams. Empower them to explore, recognize, and pursue their gifts, potential, and passion.

4. Be careful about who you give access to your children. Negative peer groups or abusive people are often those who have had free unmonitored access to our children. Pay attention to warning signs and honor your children by making their safety a priority. There may be things that you miss initially but you have a responsibility to take action as soon as you become aware of the situation. With your response you communicate to your child that they deserve respect and safety. This also applies to our behavior. If you are engaging in unhealthy behaviors this also can put your child at risk. Consider the changes you need to make in your habits, conversation, and relationships for your child to be protected and empowered.

5. Give them responsibilities. It is not appropriate to make your children into little adults or to make them the parent. However it is a good idea to give your children responsibilities or chores that are appropriate to their age. This can teach them a sense of confidence in their abilities and their role as a part of the family team.

6. Have expectations, rewards, and consequences for your child. People often perform at the level of expectation. Let your child know your expectation for their academic success, for their behavior and manners, as well as for their hygiene and self-care. Make a point of catching your child doing the right thing instead of waiting to point out their mistakes. Praise them for the good they do so they don’t equate attention with negativity. However when they do not meet expectations there should be appropriate consequences. We have to make sure the consequences are appropriate for their age and for the level of their misbehavior. When we yell about everything the child will no longer take it seriously. They will assume they can’t win. Simultaneously if you tell a child what the rules of the house are and when the rules are broken there is no response, they will also not take you seriously. Let me say clearly that there is no excuse for abuse. Hurting a child, punching a child, calling a child a derogatory name, and locking a child in a closet are not acceptable consequences regardless of their behavior. Consequences are necessary but make sure the child knows that you have not stopped loving them. Children may behave badly at times but we want to make sure they know they are not bad people.

7. Empower them to survive the storms of life. The reality is all people no matter how well they were raised will face difficulty. The key is to not allow the difficulties to define you or destroy you. Let children see how you make it through difficult times. Teach them faith, hope, and perseverance.

Keep growing and working to be the best parent you can be. Learn from what your parents or guardians did well and also remember the things you wish had been different. You can make the difference in the life of your children. Remember to also take care of your health, spiritually, mentally, and physically. When you feel good you will be better able to encourage positivity in your child. Be encouraged. Parenting is a challenge but it is also a beautiful gift.