Setting Boundaries

An important skill to develop is learning to set boundaries personally and professionally. This goes against the people pleasing mentality which requires that we attempt to be all things to all people while neglecting ourselves. If you notice yourself feeling frustrated, taken advantage of, overworked, overextended, resentful, and/or constantly tired, you may need to start setting more boundaries.

Here are few mental health tips for setting boundaries.
1. When a request is made of you take time to think about it instead of always giving an instant “yes”. You need to consider your other responsibilities, if this is in line with your purpose and life goals, if you have the skill and energy to successfully complete the task, and what place does it have in the grand scheme of things.

2. When you decide to say “no” do so without regret or guilt. When we exude guilt it leaves the door open for the person to continue to ask. You can communicate compassionately but clearly that you are unable to fulfill the request.

3. Setting physical boundaries is also important. If you feel someone is violating your physical space, speak up and attempt to physically move. Your body is a temple and worthy of respect and protection. If you are uncomfortable, trust that feeling and do what you can to interrupt the behavior or touch that is making you uncomfortable. The person may or may not mean any harm but if they are a touchy feely person and that makes you anxious or uncomfortable, the only way they will know it is if you let them know it.

4. Setting personal boundaries is also important. If someone asks you questions about a personal matter that you don’t feel comfortable answering, resist the automatic response that leads to answering now and regretting it later. You can say directly that you do not wish to have that conversation with them, you can change the subject, or you can simply walk away or end the phone call. When someone is attempting to bully or intimidate you, the behavior will often escalate until we shift it. Do what you can to end the intrusive pattern early.

5. Break the silence. Often when we remain silent the intrusions on our emotional and physical space multiple. Learn to speak up and express how you feel. Communication is an integral component to setting boundaries. Communicate directly and honestly to ensure the person knows the specific behavior that makes you uncomfortable and which you would like to stop.

6. When someone crosses your boundaries or otherwise takes advantage of you, do not pretend to yourself or to them that it didn’t happen. This masking or denial only serves to erase the impact of the earlier communication. People unfortunately do not always take words seriously. If it is important to you, be prepared to follow up with action. This is not threatening or manipulation but taking steps to protect and respect yourself and your feelings.

7. Celebrate yourself when you set boundaries instead of getting caught up in a guilt trip. It is a sign of strength and emotional maturity when you are able to set healthy boundaries. When you affirm yourself for doing this, it will become easier and easier.

Remember:
 You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.
 You do not have to constantly be on the go to be valuable or good enough.
 You can take important steps to preserve your well-being.

Restoring Relationships After Infidelity

One of the most devastating experiences in a relationship is infidelity. Whether it was emotional or physical, one time or many, the issue of broken trust and violated commitments can create deep wounds. It is important for both partners to take action toward honesty, restoration, and healing. The healing process can take two very different pathways. One pathway is when you and your partner are trying to save the relationship and the other is when you are trying to heal after the break-up.

If you are trying to save the relationship or marriage after your partner has been unfaithful, here are a few key pointers from a mental health perspective: (A future blog will address healing from infidelity when the relationship is over.)

1. The unfaithful partner must be willing to cut off the affair and do the work required to regain your trust. You can not heal from a wound that continues to be deepened by on-going infidelity. To move forward, the affair needs to be in the past.

2. When someone has broken your trust, you will likely have a range of feelings, including but not limited to anger, sadness, frustration, fear, and numbness. It is important that you and your partner recognize that this is normal and healthy.

3. You both must recognize that restoration will take a lot of time and effort. There will be reminders or triggers that bring the pain back. There will be ups and downs and times where you feel things are going backward. You both will need to have patience with the process.

4. The unfaithful partner needs to take responsibility for the choices he or she has made. It is inadequate and immature to simply blame your partner or the person with whom you had the affair. While issues in the marriage may have contributed to relationship difficulties in the end the unfaithful partner made a choice – a choice that was a violation of trust and the emotional as well as physical safety of the partner. The partner who was unfaithful needs to do some serious soul searching about the choices they have made and then take action to increase accountability and trustworthiness.

5. While some partners don’t want to know any details, if you do want to know any details you should ask your partner. Unanswered questions and pressure to quickly press fast forward can increase feelings of distrust and distress. While facing the realities of the infidelity, you should also both go and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. A part of facing the truth is facing the truth about the fact that your physical health has been compromised.

6. Both partners will have to work to rebuild the relationship. You will both need to work on your individual concerns as well as any issues within the relationship. To assist in this process, you may find it helpful to speak with a professional counselor.

7. The person who has been cheated on should express what they need from their partner to assist in the restoration. While you want the partner who was unfaithful to take initiative, if you need something and don’t share it, you can set yourself up for further disappointment and set your partner up for frustration and feelings of hopelessness.

8. Forgiveness is an important component of the recovery process but it is not the first step. When people feel forced by their partner or an internal moral code to quickly forgive, it is often premature and not authentic. You need to allow space and time to work toward forgiveness so that it will be sincere. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened doesn’t matter it means that while it hurt you are ready to turn the page and work toward the future.

9. Spend time together doing things besides talking about the infidelity. If you want to have something to work toward, you will need to see that the two of you can build something that is more positive than the wounds of the past.

10. Be honest about the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. We can often fall into two traps. Either we idealize the relationship and fight for something that was never good for us or we may see everything through the lens of the infidelity and forgot about the good things about our partner and our relationship. You should both be honest with yourselves and each other about what needs to be fixed and what should be celebrated.

Healing and restoration are possible but you have to both want it and be willing to work for it.

Healing from Sexual Assault

Sexual assault is a pervasive issue that violates our humanity. Sexual contact is not consensual when there is use of coercion, force, threat of force, manipulation, or deception. When someone or a group of people have engaged in sexual activities against your will, there can be many long lasting effects. These effects may include but are not limited to depression, anxiety, substance dependence, eating disorders, difficulties with intimacy, distrust, post traumatic stress disorder, and suicidal thoughts, plans, or behaviors. It is important for sexual assault survivors to know that the violation hurts and affects us deeply but it does not have to have the final say in your life. There are many survivors among us who have found healing, recovery, and empowerment from various sources.

Here are a few approaches to healing that you may want to explore:

1. Counseling – Sexual assault can often leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. It can be helpful to talk with someone who really has an understanding of what sexual assault is, how it affects you, and helpful strategies to assist your recovery.

2. Self-help education – As with other issues, knowledge is powerful. It is important to read about sexual assault and there is much information available on the web, in bookstores, and in your local library. When you aren’t aware of how sexual assault affects you and how to effectively cope with these effects, you can end up blaming yourself and condemning yourself. It’s important to recognize the dynamics of sexual assault so you can gain strength for the journey to wholeness.

3. Express yourself - Sexual assault can bring great feelings of shame and self blame. This can result in silence and secrecy. When we hold things it, the negative consequences can multiply. It is important to find helpful ways to express what you are feeling and thinking. This may be done a number of ways such as talking to friends and family members, engaging in artistic expression, journaling, and praying. Don’t hold it in. It was not your fault and you don’t have to hide your story.

4. Hotlines – Rape crisis centers and other advocacy agencies provide nationwide crisis hotlines. You can talk to an advocate on the phone and even have an advocate accompany you through the medical and legal processes if you choose to make use of those options. Flashbacks and panic attacks can be very distressing. Having someone you can call anytime who will respond with compassion and understanding is very critical.

5. Self care – It is so important for you not to neglect yourself. Even when it is difficult, try to rest, eat healthy foods, and avoid unhealthy coping strategies such as cutting and binging. We interrupt the ripple of assault when we refuse to treat ourselves as if we are worthless. You are valuable and deserve love and respect even when that is not what you have always received.

6. See your strengths – Instead of focusing your energy on self blame and critique, celebrate the ways you have survived. While it has not always been easy to recognize we should honor the fact that we have tried to survive and recover.

It is important to pursue healing by any means necessary. There are many pathways available to you, including but not limited to spirituality, group therapy, activism/social justice work, and medication to help manage your symptoms as you work through the recovery process. You deserve the opportunity to find the pathway that works for you. Sexual assault is a “comma” in your life and is not the “period”. You can shape the next chapter of your life and you don’t have to do it alone. Dedicate yourself to moving from victim to victor.

10 Tips for Improving your Relationship

There is much attention given to the issues of being attractive, flirting, and dating. Much less attention is given to how to sustain a healthy, happy relationship. This requires important skills that many of us did not observe growing up. Here are a few tips from a mental health perspective.

1. Seek wellness. Our emotional stress and strain can create stress and strain on the relationship. When you feel better about yourself, you are able to be a better partner. Take care of yourself in ways that work for you. These can include quiet time, journaling, counseling, praying, exercising, engaging in activities that you enjoy, and getting rest.

2. Give genuine compliments. We often are quick to point out the things that are wrong with the relationship or to even stop talking at all. It is important to recognize and appreciate the things your partner is doing right. You want your relationship to be a place of emotional safety and nourishment for both of you. Be sure to do your part in giving affirmation, compliments, and validation.

3. Broaden your world. We all want to be heard, understood, and respected. Even if they are not your primary interests, learn about the things that interest your partner. Talk with them about their hopes, dreams, and disappointments; also be open in sharing your world with them.

4. Spontaneity. People sometimes feel a relationship is boring but we have the capacity to interrupt the routine. Plan something out of the ordinary, be willing to step out of the regular pattern, and spice up your love life.

5. Forgiveness. We are not perfect and our partners are perfect. As long as you are not being abused or abusing your partner, you need to learn not to cling to the past. Words and inconsiderate behaviors hurt us but if you are going to keep an active hold on the past you will not be free to build a future with your partner. Letting go of the past doesn’t mean that it was OK for the person to do what they did but it means your love and respect for each other in the present is stronger than the errors of the past. (If there is abuse of any kind, I recommend individual counseling for both of you.)

6. Quality Time. Spend time doing an activity together. Cooking, praying, talking, walking, dancing, and laughing. If we are not careful we can grow a part and that is when many people start turning to others instead of to each other. While you will face stress together, you don’t want the relationship to be defined by stress. You want to have a strong foundation and connection so you can get through the storms of life together. You build this strength by spending good times together.

7. Communicate and compromise. One of the greatest parts of thorough pre-marital counseling is the segment on expectations. Often we have expectations about roles, responsibilities, and routines that we have not communicated. These expectations may come from our parents, our past relationships, our dreams, or even from media portrayals of relationships. You need to express yourself, your needs, hopes, fantasies, fears, and concerns. You have to also know that no matter how alike you and your partner are your expectations will not be identical in every area. There has to be room for compromise recognizing that you are two different people who are learning to love each other.

8. Emotional and physical intimacy. If you are closed off from each other you can easily slip into the role of roommates who live under the same roof but are actually quite distant. Be willing to open up emotionally. To grow in trust we have to be willing to be honest and risk vulnerability to another person. To truly be loved we have to be known and we can’t be known if we are living a lie. Intimacy means take the mask off, come of the stage, and be free to be you. Intimacy is also physical affection. Work on getting comfortable with your sexuality. Reclaim your passion and creativity. Constant fatigue, holding grudges, and discomfort with our changing bodies can be barriers to physical intimacy. Be intentional about nurturing every aspect of the relationship, including the heart, mind, body, and spirit.

9. Being comfortable does not mean being cruel. Sometimes we can start to take each other for granted. Being honest is not the same as being mean-spirited or inconsiderate. Consider your partner’s feelings and do not operate in such a way that assumes they aren’t going anywhere so you can do whatever you want. Yes you want to be yourself but being real does not replace kindness and respect.

10. Social justice and community empowerment. Instead of getting caught up in a narrow view of life, engage in community work together. It is a wonderful thing to come together around something larger than you. This may include volunteering with those who are homeless or suffering in other ways, creating artwork together, attend community organizing events together, purchasing and giving donations together, assisting with a youth program together, or participating in walks together that are aimed at raising awareness and funds for a particular cause. These larger issues can play a special role in bringing us closer to each other as we remember our shared values and compassion.

Healthy, lasting relationships require sustained efforts. When you both put in the effort, you reap the benefits of being authentically known, loved, and celebrated. It’s possible and every relationship can be improved when we commit fully to the process.

Friends: No time for fake ones

One of the most important human needs is the connection found in positive relationships. We strive to be understood, respected, valued, appreciated, and loved. Many of us have friendships from the various stages of our lives: childhood, young adulthood, and beyond. Friendship is an important aspect of our lives. When it is healthy it is a source of inspiration, joy, support, and strength. Unfortunately, the wounds caused by insincere “friends” can also be the most hurtful. Most of us have had friendships that did not last and that resulted in some negative feelings. To help prevent some potential hurt, let us consider some warning signs that someone may not actually be a true friend.

1. One-sided. It is very important for friendship to be mutual. Both people need to have concern and respect for each other and both people need to desire contact and communication. If you have to initiate all of the conversations and times together, you should step back and think honestly about whether the other person truly wants the friendship.

2. Jealousy. A friend is happy for your successes. They want the best in life for you and are the main ones leading the parade to celebrate when things are going well in your life. If someone’s insecurity, envy, competitive spirit, makes it hard for them to enjoy your happiness, this is a major warning sign. If you have to start keeping your good news a secret for fear that they will get sad, angry, or distant, something is seriously wrong with the nature of the relationship.

3. Put downs disguised as jokes. The gift of friendship is that we can truly be honest with each other. If you really want feedback on something you said, something you wore, something you are thinking about doing, you can trust a real friend to tell you the truth. This is important but when things go too far and a person constantly puts you down there is a problem. Being in the presence of a friend makes you feel better about yourself not worse. A sense of humor is wonderful but someone who enjoys constantly making jokes at your expense is not really concerned for your feelings. Even if someone says, it is just their personality, remember we are all responsible for our words. Taking opportunities to cut someone down for entertainment is not an indicator of real friendship.

4. Watch your back. If you know someone is not trustworthy, you have to ask yourself why you continue to confide in them. If someone shares things you ask them not to share, if they talk about you to others, and if you cannot trust them in the presence of your romantic partner, this person is not your friend. A friend is someone who has your back not someone you have to fear will stab you in the back.

5. Wing clipper. Friends encourage you to grow, mature, thrive, and soar. They want you to live a happy and healthy life. If someone discourages you from doing positive things and encourages you to engage in negative behaviors, this is not a positive friendship. A friend honors the changes you try to make to live a better life instead of dragging you back to the bad habits of the past.

All of these warning signs represent both things we should avoid in others and in ourselves. To attract good friends we have to also strive to be a good friend. If someone is not being a good friend to you, you may want to first have an honest conversation with them to see if things can get better. If there is no improvement, it may be time to create some space and time in your life for more healthy friendships to develop. Most importantly, don’t let unhealthy friendships of the past cause you to cut off your willingness to trust someone new in the future. Isolation is not the answer. We just have to move forward with wisdom knowing that there are other people out there who value good friends.

Breaking the Cycle

Many of us were exposed to some things as children that were inappropriate at the least and abusive at the worst. These things may include but are not limited to early exposure to alcohol, guns, drugs, sexual activity, pornography, graphic language, adult-themed movies, or other issues from which we should have been protected. Those of us with insight can see some of the negative ways those early experiences affected our views of ourselves, other people, sexuality, violence, trust, and safety. If we are not careful we can repeat this cycle and expose the children and youth in our care to the same unhealthy experiences. There are a few important strategies to help us to stop the cycle.


1. Recognize the things that you were exposed to that were not healthy or appropriate. When we make excuses for these things we set ourselves up to create confusion in someone else’s life. So do not credit bad situations for making you the great person you are today. You are who you are because you worked hard to deal with those issues not because those things were good for you. We often don’t want to see our parents or caretakers in a negative light so we minimize things that were really out of order. If we continue to operate out of denial we are very likely to continue the patterns of dysfunction. So not in a spiteful way but in a honest way think back and consider what are things you wish had been done differently to better protect you.

2. Be honest with yourself about the impact those experiences have had on your life. When we continue to say I don’t see the harm in children being exposed to adult experiences, we are not living in a healthy place emotionally. It is the inability to acknowledge the harm that puts people at risk from moving from victims to perpetrators. The truth is there are long term consequences to starting smoking, drinking, getting high, watching violence and pornography, and participating in adult conversations and activities at an early age. It affects us on many levels and we have to see those wounds clearly so we can be motivated to interrupt these cycles to the best of our ability.

3. Look for the warning signs. We have to be vigilant, be careful about who we allow access to the children in our home, community, schools, Churches, etc. Some people have unhealthy intentions and some may have good intentions but have bad judgment. When we are naïve and live with blinders on refusing to see what we or others are doing, we create more unhealthy cycles. We never want to be the ones who refuse to see, refuse to believe, refuse to respond, and refuse to speak up. Many inappropriate things happen because of bystanders – those who sit back and say nothing. It may feel easier to remain silence and simply hope and pray it is not what we think it is but silence is a choice. It is a choice that supports the endangerment or disrespect of those who are most vulnerable.

The final and most important aspect of stopping these cycles is to create positive experiences for the young people who are around us. Our best memories are not just based on the absence of the negative but the presence of positive people. Positive adults who can bring safety, affirmation, insight, inspiration, and encouragement make all the difference. You have the capacity to be a life changer, not just for yourself but for someone from the next generation. Just because we experienced dysfunction doesn’t mean we have to continue it. Break the chain. Start a new legacy of wholeness, healthiness, and ha

Power over Painful Memories

All of us have had painful experiences in our past. Many times we are able to push forward with our lives but when we haven’t deal with these difficult memories, they continue to dominate our thinking. Even those, who have tried to deal with these memories, will have times when disturbing thoughts and feelings come up. Psychologists call reminders of these painful memories “triggers”. A trigger may be a particular smell, a person, people who remind you of a person, a place, a specific touch, the time of year/anniversary of the event, getting close to a person/intimacy, or having a child who turns the age that we were at the time of the event. It is normal for there to be things that remind us of the past. The key is for us to find healthy ways of navigating these memories.

1. Find healthy ways to express the things that happened in your past. This may be through journaling or talking to someone who you can trust such as a counselor. Trying to push it out of your mind is not a long term solution.

2. Remember that distracting yourself from the memory with unhealthy tools such as drinking, smoking, eating, engaging in risky sexual activities, compulsive shopping, or gambling end up leading to more problems.

3. Be patient with yourself, recognizing that difficult wounds have a lasting impression even if they happened as a child.

4. Remind yourself that the memory affects you but doesn’t define you. In other words there is more to you than your past.

5. Start to be aware of what triggers you have so you can be prepared. If you get upset around the same each year, begin engaging in self care activities before that date so you better manage the distress. For example, you may want to create a healthy ritual for remembering but not getting stuck in the past or you may want to make plans with people who are safe and affirming. Another example is sexual intimacy. If it is difficult for you because it reminds you of the past, try to keep your eyes open so you can see that the present is not the past.

6. Instead of focusing all of your energy on the negative, make a list of the good that has happened in your life as well as the good you want for your future.

7. To combat the tendency for self-blame and shame, consider the positive traits about yourself. You are a survivor and quite possibly there are even ways you have grown and thrived. Don’t allow the pain of the past to diminish your view of yourself or your possibility.

8. Commit to living positively and renew that commitment each day. Even if you don’t feel like it, let yourself rest, eat something healthy, work to build good relationships, invest in your mental and physical health, and pursue your purpose.

Memories are powerful. The past is beyond our control but you do have the capacity to shape your present. Allow yourself to acknowledge the past, to work through it, and to affirm the gift of the present. Healing is a process that requires patience and perseverance. Don’t give up.