Healthy Relationships

For a relationship to be healthy, the individuals involved have to be healthy. If you find yourself in patterns of dysfunction, it may be a good time to take a break from trying to fine the one and focus instead on developing yourself. Our past struggles and challenges have an impact on how we see others and ourselves. So instead of trying to find our value through another person, we should first work to come to a place of happiness and peace within ourselves. If you are feeling unworthy, insecure, afraid, unattractive, or powerless, you are going to attract people whose brokenness makes them attracted to broken people. If you feel all you have to offer is your body or your money, you are going to attract people who don’t see all that you have to offer. Being a good partner requires first believing you are a good person. Once you have done your healing work, then you are ready to bring your light and joy into the life of another light bringer. In other words, your partner should not be your project or your mission. A life partner, a love partner is an equal who you respect and love as they currently exist.

Along with being a healthy person, each of us has to work on our communication if we are going to have a healthy relationship. While it is wonderful when people know you well, it is also unfair to expect people to read our minds all of the time. Relationships require that we relate and communicate our hopes, dreams, fear, plans, needs, and wants. Open the lines of communication about goals, finances, family, expectations, sorrows, joys, and intimacy. Now all of this information is not for the first date, but for the relationship to grow you have to move from surface conversations to a place of deeper connection and knowing.

A healthy relationship is also based on mutual love and respect. It is not a one-sided partnership. Both people have to be invested for it to work. The person you choose to spend your time with should be someone who lifts you up and doesn’t pull you down. A relationship built on respect has no space for abuse, manipulation, intimidation, or violence. Respect is about appreciation and affirmation. We should seek to bring out the best in ourselves and each other. The way we treat each other and talk to each other should start from a place of mutual love and respect.

Finally and of great importance, healthy relationships have joy. Bring the joy into your relationship with moments of pleasant surprises, laughter, affection, and celebration. The world is full of things and people that will create chaos and drama. Aim to bring joy into each other’s lives with random acts of kindness and funny moments of absolute freedom. While you have to be willing to work at your relationship, there needs to be moments of lightness, fun, and peace to remind you both that the relationship is more than worth the investment.

Manifest Your Dreams - Reach Your Goals

Greetings dream seekers and visionaries. There are three important keys to manifesting your dreams. First you have to allow yourself to dream and when I say “dream”, I mean setting a specific goal that is larger than your current circumstance. Dreaming or goal setting requires vision and faith. Trusting that your life experience can be more than it is right now. This step alone is revolutionary. There are so many messages we receive from people around us, the media, and the inner voice of fear that seduce us into settling for the mediocre. Your life experience will not change, until you free yourself to dream again – to believe again that more is possible. Simply stating, “I want a good life” is a start but you have to get specific. What would a good life look like to you? Begin to draw in the details. A building is only built after the architect develops a design. A film is not shot until the filmmaker has story boards or pictures or what the story would look like when told visually. You need to be able to articulate what you want? What do you desire to be and to do? Your life is a canvas. What is the picture you would like to draw with your days?

Once you have the dream or the goal the next step is to take a step and then another step. Dreams without action remain dreams. To see manifestation you must do more than wish and wait for it to appear. You need to research, strategize, study, implement, and re-assess as you go along. Most people who are considered over night successes have spent many seasons in preparation for the moment you see them “arrive”. Begin to invest in your dream. Your investment of time and resources will inspire others to take your dream seriously. Many people say what they are going to do but as the Chinese Proverb says, “Talk does not cook the rice.” You have to move from talking about your goals to making them happen. Determine today at least one thing you can do to further your goal. Take a class, research on-line, talk to someone who has done something similar, or practice your craft.

The third key to manifesting your dreams is perseverance. Anyone who has a dream must be prepared for obstacles. There will be barriers, mountains, doubters, and challenges. This is a guarantee. Dream manifestation or goal attainment requires a can-do spirit regardless of the circumstance. When some people see storm clouds, they stay home. Staying where you are is safe but is that what you really want to do? When you are facing a brick wall remind yourself of the dream, the vision, and the possibility. If it is where your passion lies, continue to press for it. Find people and things that feed your spirit, encourage your heart, and nurture your soul. When you face a set-back, take time to learn from the experience and then dust yourself and determine to move forward. A dream deferred is not a dream denied. Achievement is within reach but you will have to stretch.

Cleaning Up Your Life

This is a good season to get your house in order. Not just your physical house but your life. We have to get rid of the old way of thinking to make room for new visions and opportunities. We have to de-clutter our space, relationships, conversation, habits, and thoughts. If you are ready to move to the next level, if you want growth and increase, there are some things you need to clean up. Clean and therapeutically design your home, car, and office so they can become places where you can breathe, reflect, and imagine. You deserve a clean environment.

But it doesn’t stop with your physical space, clean out your thinking. Letting go of shame, guilt, anger, and fear will create space for confidence, self esteem, peace of mind, and courage. Cleaning the inside takes effort and commitment, just like cleaning the outside. We also know that cleaning the outside is a continuous process. We would never say, “Oh I cleaned the bath tub last month. It’s clean.” Transforming our way of thinking takes constant maintenance. Old habits are difficult but not impossible to change. When the old, negative way of thinking pops into your mind, interrupt it, challenge it, and give yourself a clean slate and a fresh start.

Not only do we need to clean our physical space and mental space, we also need to clean up our relationships. Often we are in cycles of dysfunction, where the people may change but the pattern remains the same. Take an honest look at your relationships including the type of people you are drawn to and the nature of the relationships. Whatever is not edifying is destructive. It is better to have a few quality relationships than to be surrounded by people who bring negativity and drama into your life. Clean it up.

We also have to clean up our relationship with our bodies. When depression begins to weigh on us, it is often reflected in our neglect of ourselves. Whether it is your hygiene or the need to make the doctor’s appointment you have been putting off, make your physical health a priority in this cleansing season. Clean up habits of over-eating, lack of exercise, and living off of vending machines and fast food. Clean up addictions to caffeine, cigarettes, alcohol, and other drugs. When we are committed to cleaning up our lives, we are willing to seek and receive help. Some cleaning jobs are too large to try to handle alone but you can do it by reaching out for help.

Finally it is time to clean up our finances. We can not afford to continue living off of credit. We can not continue to think not opening bills will make them disappear. We can not continue to live without a plan for our future. Clean it up. Determine how much you owe and create a plan to pay it. Create a budget for clarity and peace of mind. Create and act on a plan that will increase your streams of income.

Clutter promotes stress in every area of our lives. Stress takes energy away from our goals and purpose. De-clutter and cleanse your internal and external world. You deserve a healthier, happier life and the change begins with you.

Poem for the women of Iran

They did not know we were building an army behind these veils
We cast eyes down yesterday, so we could lift fists today
The dawning of revolution that’s been germinating for decades
Marinating in mind wombs

Sisters in solidarity – hungry for sun on face
Fresh rain on arms re-creating the order of things
From the chaos of unholiness

They bent our ballots
But will not break out backs

They forget we their sisters, daughters, wives, mothers are sacred power
The essence of stories that shatter centuries of silence

But our righteous brothers remember – they remember our names and speak them,
Text them in code, record them on secret rooftops

While the armies of oppression arrest our professors, strangle us on streets, stretch to lock us in cells
For they fear us
And they should.

Our eyes have seen too much, hearts have had to bear too much
We are scratching our survival, pitching our tents
Not merely for ourselves, but for sons and daughters unborn

We write poems in our mother’s tongue but write signs in English
This message must/needs/will be heard on global super highways

We are hiding on campuses, nursing children, prostrate is prayer
Crying out into midnight
And the Radical Light that is Truth can not deny us
Praying women, protesting women can not be denied

Everywhere we look they want us to see red
Blood in pools, dripping, soaking, suggesting we surrender
But we see green
We choose to see green
Emerald green growing
Forest green springing
Pressing toward freedom

Last week we poured into the street
With brutality they planted hot lava on the road

So now we take to the sky
Twittering, soaring, rising beyond their grasp

They do not realize they can not take lives
Only bodies
Our breath remains

We are already pregnant with tomorrow
And these babies are coming forth today

We hear out sisters and brothers across this international matrix
Calling for us to push

We women warriors of Iran
Wonder if some have mistaken our tears for weakness
That would be a mistake
Do no underestimate this war cry
This is a cry of outrage, emerging from our mourning song
& this sound will echo through the mountains
Of our ancestors
Traveling through space manifesting into glorious peace

We will not be forgotten
& greater still our sacrifice is not in vain

Waging peace,
Women are rainbows climbing across gray skies

Inch by inch we take the sky

Our mothers taught us well
doves must fly

Time to Shine

To my sisters who have become dusty with the residue of racism, the stains of low self esteem, and the pollution of poverty
To my grandmothers who have known bruises, burdens, and break downs
To my mothers who have suffered set-backs, sexism, and loss of sanctuary
To my daughters who have sinned against themselves by forgetting who they are
The alarm bell is ringing and it is time – past time – for you to be washed in the healing waters of your destiny, washed in the holiness of your sacredness, washed in the memory of your possibility
This is the day – a day not like any other
This is the season – a season that the universe has not known
For yesterday is gone and you must take off the heavy coat of regret
Yesterday is gone and you need to put down the luggage of limitation
Clear your mind with the anointing of the One who really knows you – the One who created you
Bathe yourself in integrity and dress yourself for the divine appointment
For this is the time for you to shine
You are right on time for the miracle that is you
The miracle that God is working in you and through you and for you
You are more radiant than the sun, your wings span mountain tops, your gifts are deep as the Atlantic, your wisdom is beyond your years, and your victory is guaranteed
It is time for you to shine
No more hiding, fearing, worrying, fretting, betting on your demise
Tic toc, tic toc
Women of the sun, daughters of the Son
It’s your time to shine

Obama and Biden: Rape Victims Need You

It is Women's History month and as a nation we can not lose sight of the global ways in which women and girls are under attack. One of the tools of oppression is sexual assault. As a psychologist who counsels rape survivors and their families, I was heartened by the words and works of Obama and Biden. I was encouraged to hear Obama speak about the fact that people close to him have been affected by sexual assault and that he cares deeply about the issue. I was also glad to hear about his work in promoting sexual assault awareness and preventative education for our children. As a sexual assault researcher and educator, I know that elementary school is not too young to learn about sexual abuse (“good touch” and “bad touch”). Unfortunately there are children in our classrooms who know far too well the experiences we are afraid to mention. I was particularly inspired by Obama and Biden’s dedication to the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act.


As we move forward as a nation to bring about change we can believe in, I hope that sexual assault does not get lost in other important agenda items such as the economy and security. For too many Americans, economic advancement has been nearly impossible as they confront the profound security breach of their bodies. Sexual assault occurs across demographic lines and often leaves shame, post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, and suicide in its aftermath. Whether we are speaking of sexual assault victims on college campuses or military bases, in marital bedrooms or in alleyways, on prison yards or on first dates, the nation’s silence has been deafening. We as a nation choose to see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil and our collective silence supports the continued rape of our sisters and brothers. It is easier for us to pretend these violations do not exist. It is easier to assume that people are lying to get attention or that they somehow wanted the assault. If we can believe these myths we are safe. If we can believe these myths we can continue to do nothing.

When the Obama/Biden campaign and supporters scream out, “Yes, we can,” I for one am working and organizing so that this is an inclusive “yes, we can.” Yes we can make rape unacceptable in our society. Yes we can end the silent shaming of victims, regardless of background, ethnicity, or socio-economic status. Yes we can create a just and safe society, starting with just and safe homes, schools, and communities. Yes we can empower the nearly 80% of victims of who never report the violations they experience. Yes we can demand respect for the sacred body of all community members. Yes we can protect and advocate for the modern day victims of human trafficking and sexual slavery. Yes we can end the widespread molestation of our children. Yes we can have justice that does not re-victimize rape survivors. Obama and Biden, we need you to follow your past words and deeds regarding sexual violence as we try to carve out a nation that stands firmly against sexual assault.

As the Obama campaign and transition team have noted, real change is not only about leadership but about people. As a nation, we have to condemn the rape supportive aspects of our society and culture. The commonplace sexualization of children and objectification of women in the media from cartoons to commercials to feature films has to end. We also have to transform distorted thinking that says using violence, threats, manipulation, power, and drugs to obtain sexual contact is a normal part of sexual intimacy. Sexual contact by coercion or physical force is not sexual intimacy, it is a violent crime. So, yes we can and yes we must end the false arguments that blame the violated for being victimized. Yes we can hold rapists, pedophiles, and traffickers accountable and responsible. Yes we can promote physical and mental health by using our votes, actions, policies, and words to end rape. Yes we can and yes we must.

For the Queen and King who lost their crowns

For The Queen who lost her crown when she saw others frown
Cause they thought she was too brown

For the Queen who lost her crown who never learned to say no
Because her uncle taught her how to blow at the age of ten
And now she only knows how to bend cause her momma never told her how mend
Her broken soul and hymen

For the Queen who lost her crown she was taught the measure of her womanhood was her ability bake a cake and shake her thing or at least swing into to the beat of someone else’s drum

For the queen who lost her crown she stopped her healing dance cause her mounting bills put her in a trance that could only be broken by hope but the street preacher said dope would get her right and since the panthers were out of sight she believed this clown’s hype

For the Queen who lost her crown when she fell down after being disillusioned by capitalism and sexism and classism and racism and every ism that decreased her space and took her place o think beyond the kitchen sink

For the Queen who lost her crown she she doubted the existence of God because she got caught up in the fog of self pity not realizing that Jehovah is the key

For the Queen who lost her crown when she forgot the sound of her own name and decided to play someone else’s game but letting him drive her insane till she accepted the rain of fists on her face as well as his intrusions in her sacred place

For the Queen who lost her crown when at the age of fifteen she ceased to put any hopes in dreams cause she thought having babies and beepers was the scene

For the Queen who lost her crown when she started believing the lie that she was too fat so her best bet was to hide in the back to silence her song and just go along with the flow of any joe willing to grace her space with his presence or lack thereof

For the Queen who lost her crown when she started modeling herself after material demons who only seek wealth

And what about the Kings

For the King who lost his crown when his father could not be found to show him how to stand and be a true man
For the King who lost his crown when he discovered the mentality of his reality made him want to die and he realized the only time he was confident he could fly was when he was high

For the King who lost his crown with the socialization of the system got him lost in special education

For the King who lost his crown when he was taught the measure of his manhood was in the rawness of the rhymes and the number of times he could make fine women scream by the fright of his dark night or the delight of his horizontal sunlight

For the King who lost his crown when he saw the lost Queens frown at the fact that he didn’t carry pagers as he stood amongst the minimum wagers at the not so golden arches

For the King who lost his crown when he was disillusioned by the belief that men with guns control all the fun so his best bet was to get one

For the king who lost his crown when he was forced to kneel before stepfathers, cousins, and brothers, and now finds comfort in the furs around his neck that help to keep his pain in check

For the King who lost his crown when affirmative action ended and he had to join his kindred in the state penitentiary where he now sits all day and dreams of a way to move on to a deluxe apartment in the skies

For the King and Queen who lost their crown
Don’t look so down
Your crown has not been erased
It is only misplaced
The angels ancestors still remember who you are
They’ve seen your true place among the stars
So just be still and look within
The Most High has already begun to mend
Those broken places and fill in those empty spaces
Stop living below your potential and put back on your crown
It’s time for you to soar again
For your home is not the ground