Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the letting go of bitterness and resentment resulting from an offense. Most major religions promote the importance of forgiveness. From a mental health perspective, being unable to release negative feelings can result in a sense of despair, rage, powerlessness, and depression. There are a few key points to remember about forgiveness.

First you need to be able to take perspective about the level of the offense. In other words, if everything anyone ever says or does rises to the level of severe offense, you will find yourself constantly angry and bitter. In essence, not everything is drama-worthy. On the other side of this coin are those of us who do not recognize when someone has indeed crossed the line in a significant way. If you constantly ignore offenses and various forms of disrespect, this is also not a good place to be in terms of self care and self respect. You want to get perspective such that you can distinguish serious offenses from more minor offenses.

A second key to forgiveness is recognizing it is a process. Process implies both time and effort. In terms of time, some people jump to quickly say they have forgiven someone when they haven’t given themselves time to process all of their feelings. This may result in forgiveness that is in words alone but the actual bitterness, sadness, and anger are still under the surface waiting to bubble up. It is natural and healthy to experience a range of emotions and it is important to give yourself space to work through those feelings. The working through is the process. In others words, it is not true that time heals all wounds. Time passing alone is not sufficient. If you want to forgive yourself or someone else for an offense you need to actively work toward it in your mind. You need to acknowledge the impact of what occurred and then work to heal those wounds.

A third element to forgiveness is the need to determine when to forget and when to remember. Some people will say if you remember it, you haven’t really forgiven. This is not always the case. One way to determine if you should actively remember it is whether the person has shown evidence of being truly sorry and committed to change. Here is an example. If you were molested as a child, you may have decided for your mental health to forgive or release the bitterness toward the person who molested you. However to pretend it never happen by letting that person watch your children is unhealthy. Likewise if you are in abusive relationship and the person has promised to change but continues to abuse you, you need to remember the pattern of abuse regardless of your decision to forgive. On the other hand, if a friend, family member, or romantic partner has hurt your feelings but has expressed in word and deed regret for their behavior and a commitment to being better, then you may choose to totally release it. Releasing it in this case may include both not dwelling on the past in your mind or continuing to bring up the past to the person who has changed.

The ability to forgive yourself and others is an important spiritual and emotional skill. It can free you from having to harbor resentment and anger. It also shows that you recognize that all of us are imperfect. It is wisdom and compassion that allows us to look at the whole person instead of reducing them to their negative deeds. In the end, it is for you to decide for your safety and growth, when and whom to forgive. For it to truly liberate you, it needs to come from the heart.

The Psychology of Clutter

As you prepare to enter into a new season, it is a good time to commit to living a clutter-free life. This can be a challenge to those of us who hold on to things and end up living surrounded by stuff. If we don’t heal our mindset, we can de-clutter today but new piles of stuff will appear tomorrow. So to really have a life change, let’s take a moment to consider the psychology of clutter.

For some of you, the tendency to clutter is based in past experiences of not having your basic needs met. You may have grown up in poverty or you may have been neglected. As a result, you really cherish stuff and end up hoarding things with the fear that one day you may need them. You may feel that you don’t want to throw something out that it is in good condition because that may seem wasteful or unappreciative to you. The beauty of the situation is you appreciate things that many people take for granted. The difficulty is you end up holding on to so much that you don’t have room to live and enjoy your space. Work on trusting that you don’t need to constantly live in preparation for an emergency. Try to live in the present and to see the way your behavior is limiting your present happiness and/or the happiness of those around you. Also consider being willing to bless someone else’s life with the many things that you have. Things that are in good condition but that are not being used are perfect items to donate and share with those who are living with less than you have right now.

There are another group of people who are suffering from depression and low self worth. You literally have difficulty mustering the energy to clean your space. You also may feel some sense of balance that your outside world matches your inner world: turmoil and confusion. You may try to clean up a little for others but don’t value yourself enough to believe you deserve to be in a clean environment for yourself. You rationalize this by saying the mess doesn’t bother you. The reality is your space can affect your mood so continuing to live in clutter is actually supporting your depressed mood. Consider going for counseling to address your underlying issues. In the meantime, try what is called a behavioral approach which means to change my thoughts and feelings I start by changing my behavior. So if you start to clear your space, in the cleansing you may also experience an internal cleansing and renewal.

There is another mindset around clutter which is a lack of responsibility. Some of us are just waiting for someone else to do it. You may have grown up in an environment where things were always done for you by parents, siblings, or housekeepers. As a result, it never occurs to you to cleanse and organize your space yourself. You see the piles growing but unconsciously or consciously you hope someone will come and just take care of it: the pile of dishes, the pile of clothes, and the pile of papers just keep mounting. The truth is you are an adult and need to take responsibility for your space. You have two options. You need to do it or if you can afford to you need to pay for someone to help you do it. If you pay for help, you still need to take responsibility for keeping up with your space in the in between time so that you are not living in clutter and filth.

Heal your mind and cleanse your space. You deserve a fresh start and there’s no better time than the present.

Addressing Addiction

There are many forms of addiction. Some of you may be addicted to alcohol or other drugs, while others may be addicted to shopping, sex, pornography, gambling, cutting, compulsive exercise, internet use, or overeating. Addictions are largely a symptom of an underlying issue. They are a compulsion to do a particular activity even though it has negative consequences for you, physically, mentally, socially, and/or financially. We use our addictions to cope with pain, disappointment, anger, depression, fear, and insecurity. To address our addictions, we have to be honest with ourselves about what we are medicating. What are we trying to numb, forget, or erase with our behaviors? When we really look at it, we will discover not only what we’ve been trying to cover up with our addictions but we will also discover that the addiction has not helped us. Using substances to distract us from the substance of the problem is never successful in the long run. It is a temporary fix and often our tolerance increases so we need more and more to try to give us a glimpse of peace. We begin to drink more, smoke more, hook up more, shop more, gossip more, eat more, all in an attempt to escape. But as the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are. We cannot escape ourselves so it is better in the long run to face ourselves and confront the issues that are under the covers.

To address addictions, we have to first acknowledge that the behavior is unhealthy. Take responsibility for the ways you have used substances, food, credit cards, or casual sexual encounters in a manner that does not serve you or benefit you. We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. By stopping the denial, we interrupt the silence and shame and gain the courage to face our issues.

The next thing you need to do is get around supportive people. This may be family, friends, therapists, sponsors, an AA group, or your faith community. You need to surround yourself with people who are supportive of the changes you are trying to make. When we are constantly with people that encourage unhealthy behaviors, it is hard to make a change. These also need to be people you can truly be honest with and accountable to for the decisions you make. Resist the shame and stigma that often keeps people from seeking professional help. Addictions are a major challenge and you deserve the support you need to heal and empower yourself.

Another key to addressing addictions is replacing the addictive behavior with a positive coping strategy. The way you are currently coping is not good for you. You need to try other strategies such as talking to someone you trust, meditation, prayer, healthy amounts of exercise, problem solving, relaxation, and engaging in activities/hobbies that boost your self esteem. Develop an action plan of activities you will do both when you are feeling stressed and as a prevention tool to improve your mood before negative things occur.

A final important key is the use of positive self-talk. Often we give ourselves self-defeating messages such as, “I am a bad person. It’s too late for me. I’m stuck. Nothing is going to work for me. I’m hopeless.” These statements increase our feelings of guilt, shame, and despair. You have to begin to challenge those thoughts when they come up. Everyone may have a negative thought pop up from time to time but you can decide how you respond to it. Instead of feeding it and freely accepting it, challenge it. There is more to you that the addiction. With support, your life can improve. Your life and health are worth fighting for so be encouraged and begin to address your addictions today.

The Value of Volunteerism

Being selfish and overly self-centered can result in a very limited view of life. It can create a narrow view of the world and a sense of emptiness. A part of discovering your purpose is found in being generous – giving of yourself, your skills, and your resources to benefit the larger society, the world beyond your living room. Volunteerism can have real mental health benefits.

Volunteerism can give you a sense of purpose, meaning, and significant impact. Sometimes we get caught in a limited routine of simply working a job for money to pay bills. In essence, for greater meaning we need to contribute to something of greater significance. By giving to help humanity, cleaning up community, and preserving the environment, you can get in touch with your connection to the world around you.

Volunteerism can also increase your sense of self efficacy which is simply your ability to make a difference. Some people see problems around them and choose to close their eyes, surrendering to a sense of powerlessness. By taking action, you empower yourself with the knowledge that no matter how small, your life and decisions can make a difference.

Volunteerism can also increase a sense of community. A part of depression is a sense of isolation or disconnection. By volunteering with a community, national, or international organization, you can awaken within yourself a sense of community that stretches across people of all walks of life.

Finally and most importantly it is important to know that although some people may have less than you materially, they may also have more than you in spirit, heart, and even wisdom. As we give to others we also receive. You may receive a refreshing way of looking at life, at seeing the importance of gratitude, and at surviving adversity.

To make a difference in the world and within yourself, consider becoming a volunteer. In giving you will receive.

De-bunking Myths about Depression

Depression is a serious mental health issue. It can make it difficult, if not impossible to leave the house. It can result in loss of connection to family, friends, employment, and the things that used to be pleasurable. In the most severe situations it can result in suicide. Often depression is not recognized and people do not receive the help and support they need. It is important to challenge some of the myths that currently exist about depression.

Myth #1: Depression is a sign of weakness.
This could not be further from the truth. Depression strikes people from all walks of life. It is not something that just hits one type of personality. In truth, people who have struggled with depression are some of the strongest people you will meet. To simply get out of bed, bathe, get dressed, eat, and get out of the house can take more effort than those who take these actions for granted. Instead of judging people who are facing depression and telling them to “just get over it”, the more compassionate and helpful approach is to consider what they have had to carry to get from where they started.

Myth #2: If you are a spiritual/religious person, you will never face depression.
This is also not true. There have been throughout history, wonderful people of faith who have had to endure serious bouts of depression. Faith does not erase depression but for many people it gives them encouragement to keep trying to press forward.

Myth #3: Therapy is for rich people without friends and medication is a crutch.
These unfortunate myths keep many people from getting the support they need and deserve. Mental health rights are for everyone, not a select few. There are many counseling agencies that provide free and low-cost mental health support. Additionally being a friend is not the same thing as being a therapist. Being a therapist is a professional caring service based on education, experience, and a desire to help others. It is not just based on one person giving their opinion or advice in the moment but based on key concepts that have been found over many years of study to be helpful in improving the well-being of individuals, families, and communities.

In terms of medication, some people have such severe symptoms of depression that they are left unable to fight for their lives and emotional well-being. Medication should not be used as a substitute for dealing with your life issues but it can definitely be a source of help by reducing the symptoms enough for you to be able to work on the challenges before you.

So here are a few facts.
Some of the symptoms of depression are:
• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• fatigue and decreased energy
• feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• irritability, restlessness
• loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• overeating or appetite loss
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do
not ease even with treatment
• persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Some strategies to help combat depression are:
• Therapy
• Medication
• Eat a healthy diet
• Exercise
• Spiritual Practices
• Expressing your feelings through art or to someone you can trust
• Relaxation
• Avoiding or reducing things that are causing you stress
• Challenging negative thoughts by looking at the evidence
• Building supportive relationships

If you or someone you care about is facing depression, know that you don’t have to carry it alone. Resist the shame and be willing to reach out for help. You are worth fighting for. Your mental health needs to be a top priority.

Healthy Sexuality

Your sexuality is connected to not only your body but also your mind, heart, and spirit. There are a number of tips to help you build a healthy sense of your sexuality. The first thing is to recognize that your sexuality is a natural and beautiful part of who you are. Some people have been raised to believe their bodies and their sexuality are their enemies or are evil, dirty, and bad. Others may have had past experiences of sexual violation, abuse, or assault. These experiences can create serious barriers to healthy intimacy; you have to work to break the mental trigger that makes an automatic connection between sex and shame. The truth is that your body and sexuality are sacred, beautiful aspects of who you are.

Another challenge is when people based on past experiences have come to believe that sexuality is merely a means or tool for them to obtain attention or resources. When sexuality is associated with game playing and manipulation it robs you from a having a truly fulfilling experience. Access to your body should not be the price you must pay for housing, shoes, money, or a return phone call. Your body is a temple and should be respected as a part of you while recognizing that it is only a part of you. When you or others reduce your worth to your sexuality alone, so much more is diminished and ignored.

An additional challenge is the fact that some women based on negative past experiences have concluded that sexual intimacy is something that women simply have to endure and that it is only for the enjoyment of men. This is far from the truth. The pleasure of intimacy and affection are available to men and women; even if you have not had the experience of fulfillment, know that with time and care you can enjoy your sexuality.

Another myth is that remaining committed to one person sexually is either impossible or has to be boring. The truth is with a foundation of trust, comfort, respect, and love, you can experience the freedom of creativity and spontaneity that makes intimacy exciting, fun, and nourishing for your body, heart, mind, and spirit. Instead of taking each other for granted and falling into a routine, begin to think out of the box. Shake things up. Do something new.

So in summary to embrace your sexuality in a more healthy and growth-promoting way:
• Resist the negative myths and associations connected to your sexuality
• Choose to celebrate healthy sexuality instead of carrying shame
• Remember that your sexuality is a part of you but not all that you have to offer
• Don’t use sexuality as a tool, weapon, or strategy for manipulation
• Hold on to the belief that sexuality can be enjoyable even if you have yet to experience it that way
• Be willing to explore the ways intimacy can be most fulfilling for you, recognizing that we are all unique
• Consider the ways commitment can open the door for creative, enjoyable intimacy

Your Faith & Your Mental Health

Many people report using religious or spiritual practice as a way to cope with stress. Spiritual and religious involvement can include but is not limited to prayer, religious service attendance, watching religious programs, reading/studying religious texts, religiously motivated artistic expression, and religiously motivated volunteerism/service/activism. Spirituality refers to the internal reflection and path of growth through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. Religion involves membership and participation is a community of believers who share a set faith. From a mental health perspective, there can be benefits from both the individual time of spiritual practice as well as the connection to a faith-based community.

The benefits of religious and spiritual practice are reported by people at all different stages of life. For teens, religious involvement is associated with decreased criminal activity, substance use, and high risk sexual activity. For college students, involvement with campus ministries has been found to be associated with more effective coping, less doctor visits, and higher scores on measures of psychological well-being. Among older adults, religious involvement has been associated with better physical health, lower depression, and greater social support. In addition, across the lifespan, a number of positive relationships have been associated with prayer. Specifically both younger and older people who engage in prayer increasingly report better health, less hypertension, less stress, more positive feelings, less depression, and a greater capacity to handle stress.

Along with the blessings that come directly from taking time to center on our spirits, there are a number of ways through which religion and spirituality may benefit us. Religious teachings can encourage a positive, optimistic world view, a meaning and purpose to life, and a sense of hope and empowerment. Through prayer and other religious activities people may feel they can affect the outcome of their lives and in this way not feel powerless or helpless. There is also the sense of social support that can be provided by members of the religious community.

It is important to also be aware that religion and spirituality can be associated with negative outcomes. The major distinction between positive and negative religious coping is one’s understand of the nature of God. Having an understanding of God as a source of love and affirmation is immensely more health promoting than adopting an understanding of God as the cruel punisher who is out to condemn you.

At the same time, we see opposing responses to mental illness on the part of religious organizations. There are numerous examples, historically and currently, of religious communities exhibiting the greatest compassion and care for those suffering with mental illness. On the other hand, there are also many examples of religious organizations and leaders condemning and even demonizing those facing mental health challenges. We have to choose the positive over the negative.

Holistic health requires that we see the connections between mind, body, and spirit. We need to invest time, energy, and resources in caring for the health of our total beings. Most importantly adopt spiritual practices and beliefs that are edifying and not destructive. Invest time in caring for your soul, nourishing your spirit, and restoring your mind. Seek wholeness!