Avoiding Burnout

Burnout is emotional and physical exhaustion brought on by excessive stress and overwhelming life demands. Signs that you are burned out are feelings of unhappiness, detachment, helplessness, and constant lack of energy. Too often we run ourselves into the ground trying to do too much with too little time. Burnout can be very dangerous for our mental and physical health. It can result in depression, panic attacks, migraine headaches, digestion problems, difficulty with sleep, and the ruin of relationships. It is very important to try to prevent burnout before it happens. Here are a few pointers to empower you to live effectively without constantly running on empty.

1. Take a day or a few days off. Often there is not someone who will say to you, “You look like you could use a break.” We have to say it to ourselves. Even if you don’t have money to go somewhere you can take a mental vacation. Sleep late, eat healthy meals, talk about something besides work, and enjoy a silent walk. Do something fun and restorative such as watching a movie, taking a dance class, going to a spiritual service, catching up with old friends, or reading a good book.
2. Learn to say no. You can’t do everything for everyone. You can say “no” in a polite way but it should be clear and firm. Unfortunately some people will use you until you set a limit so it’s time to start setting boundaries.
3. Consider making a change. If your relationship or job is constantly stressing you out and there doesn’t appear to be any sign of change, you need to ask yourself if now might be the time to make a change. Relationships and careers are work but if they are compromising your health, mentally or physically, you need to step back and take an honest look at your situation. Change is difficult but your health is worth it.
4. Each day take a break from technology. Turn off your cell phone and computer for a set amount of time so you can rest, relax, and enjoy time away from the pressures of social and work demands.
5. Set realistic goals and a realistic schedule. We set ourselves up for daily disappointment when we create timelines that are unattainable. Do what you can and celebrate what you do.
6. Ask for help. You don’t have to carry everything alone. Seek help from co-workers, family, and friends. You can also request help from professionals such as ministers, therapists, and financial planners.
7. Bring sunlight to your social life. Cut out time with draining people. Surround yourself with people that are positive and who bring light, joy, and inspiration to your life. (Make sure you bring those same things to their life so that it is a healthy and mutual relationship and not one-sided.)
Burnout affects your mind, emotions, body, and spirit. To preserve your health it is important that you take active steps to reduce your stress and improve your ability to cope. Don’t wait until your health is compromised. Give yourself permission to press pause now.

Life after a Breakup

The end of a relationship can be a very difficult time emotionally, socially, and even financially. A breakup provides a natural time to press pause and reflect both on the past and on the possibilities for the future. Sometimes we can feel that things can never get better after a serious relationship ends. We question ourselves, our ability to love, and the possibility of ever finding someone who can truly love us. Here are a few mental health pointers to assist and empower you in the aftermath of a breakup or divorce.

1. Allow yourself space and time to experience a range of feelings. You may feel relieved, angry, sad, confused, numb, or even happy. Relationships are complicated and the ending of a relationship is also usually quite complicated. It is natural that there are parts of the relationship that you will mourn, whether it is the loss of good times you shared together or the hopes that you had for a lifetime of love and commitment. There are times when we fall in love with the idea of the person or the person’s potential even more than who the person is in the present. It is important that you distinguish between the two. Be honest with yourself about what you have lost and what you never had. Along with the grief and loss it is also natural that you may feel angry for things that were done, relieved that the tension has decreased (if it has), or numb/empty. Be compassionate with yourself and honest with yourself about how you feel.

2. Don’t distract yourself by engaging in unhealthy behaviors or engaging in unhealthy relationships. It is not a good idea to cope by jumping into another relationship or attempting to escape with drugs, alcohol, food, or cigarettes. Along with not rushing into things or running from issues, it is also a good idea to take a time out before making any major life decisions.

3. Surround yourself with positive people. It doesn’t have to be a lot of people just make sure they are people who are safe, supportive, and encouraging. You don’t have to face this next chapter of your life alone. Fight through the depression, shame, and isolation. Reach out to others and let them help you. This includes family, friends, and mental health professionals.

4. Learn from the past. Consider what this relationship has taught you about yourself, about relationships, and about others. While none of us are perfect, we should all strive to make each relationship better than the last. We bring to the table the benefit of our gained wisdom from past experiences. The key is to not end up in dysfunctional patterns where we continue to repeat negative thoughts and behaviors instead of learning from them. What can you take from this situation as you prepare to move forward?

5. Get excited about your future. While you need to give yourself space and time to grieve the past, you also don’t want to get stuck in the past. Start to make plans for your future, try new hobbies, reach out to meet new people, and re-discover the things that used to bring you joy.

6. Start and maintain a healthy routine. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Even if you don’t feel like it, get up out of bed, try to eat good food, exercise, engage in activities that nurture you, and find ways to express yourself (talking to trusted friends and/or journaling, etc.). Put away things that remind you of the relationship such as pictures. Your actions affect your feelings so sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Don’t surrender to the blues. Fight to get reinvested in living, dreaming, loving, and laughing. Remember if it feels overwhelming, you don’t have to handle it alone. Seek out friends, support groups, or a counselor to help you get back on track.

Life is for the living and there is still a lot of life available to you. The past is powerful and can be painful but remember you still have the power to create the next chapter of your life. Give yourself permission to turn the page.

Humor is Healing

Often we take things too seriously. We stress to the point of losing our hair, our appetite, and our perspective. While there are intense and horrific things that happen in life, there are also moments of joy that we miss because we are living life with our heads hung low. Children laugh so much more than adults and the older they get the less they laugh. There is much that we can learn from them.

On today commit to bringing your joy back, getting back the beauty of laughter, and finding the rainbow after the storm. One popular quote on the Internet beckons us to not wait until after the storm but to learn how to dance in the rain. I’d like to share with you some of the mental health benefits of humor and then let you know a few things you can do to make your heart smile again.

How Humor Can Heal:
1. Laughter can overpower anxiety. When you are laughing it is physiologically impossible to feel anxious or anger. True laughter takes over your entire body. It is a great release for pent up emotions.
2. Smiles and laughter can also reduce stress. When you let go of the stress you are holding, you have more energy to pursue the things that really matter to you.
3. Humor allows you to see the larger picture. When we focus only on the negative we miss a large part of what life is bringing to us. Not everyone is against us and not every situation is doom and gloom. When you shift your focus you begin to notice more good people, good opportunities, and good within yourself.
4. Humor can bring connection. When we laugh together, we grow closer to one another. Laughter and joy are great community builders, connection builders, and relationship builders. In every relationship, strength comes from not just enduring the difficulties but learning how to truly enjoy each other’s presence.
5. There are also physical health benefits to humor such as reduction of stress hormones, muscle relaxation, immune system enhancement, pain reduction, enhances deep breathing, and in cases of deep laughter can even be a form of cardiac exercise.
6. Humor can empower you. Some people purposefully try to discourage you and distress you. When you refuse to get caught up in the misery you reclaim power of your life.

How to Bring More Humor to Your Life:
1. Check out funny movies and books.
2. Spend more time with fun-loving people and not people who drain you.
3. Be intentional about looking for the bright side to the situation.
4. Live a balanced life that is not just about work and achievement but about connection, leisure, and pursuit of your bliss.
5. Try to live in the present. When we focus all of our energy on past mistakes or future worries we miss the blessing of now.
6. Play games – bowling, board games, computer games, and others.
7. Go to comedy clubs.
8. Listen to upbeat music and don’t forget to dance.

I encourage you to try it right now. Smile. Dance right where you are. Count your blessings. Your life may not be perfect but strive to see the possibility, the ridiculous, the comedy, and the memory of authentic laughter that at some point had the power to transform you mind,

Effective Problem Solving

We all face difficulties in our lives. The key is discovering ways to handle your problems instead of being overwhelmed by them. Mentally and emotionally there are some effective strategies to help you solve your problems. Here are a few of them:

1. Make sure you really understand the nature of the problem. Sometimes we get distracted by the small issues and miss the larger picture. So we have to remember we can’t solve what we don’t acknowledge. We have to see the real issue and not get caught up in things that are insignificant.

2. Break the problem down into areas that you can manage. It is not helpful to simply conclude “my life is a mess” or “my finances are a disaster” or “my relationship isn’t working”. You want to be able to see the specific issues that need to be addressed. What is really the cause of the difficulties? By breaking down the issue into more manageable parts you can start to see concrete potential solutions.

3. Try to look at your issues from a different perspective. Instead of simply being stressed out by the situation, try to see the new opportunities. A lay off may come at the season you need to start your own business or go back to school. A break-up may come at a time that is needed for you to examine the type of relationship you really desire. Take time to evaluate what you really want in life and in this particular situation. Shift your focus so you can gain clarity.

4. Resist self destructive approaches to solving your problem. Seeking advice from people who have shown you they don’t care about you is not a good idea. Trying to escape your feelings by simply staying busy, drinking, smoking, snorting, cutting, shopping, gambling, over-eating, and hooking up is also not a good idea. When we do things to harm ourselves it makes our problems worse instead of better. Instead of negative approaches, try to cope with your distress in positive ways such as deep breathing, exercise, and prayer or meditation.

5. Brainstorm about possible solutions. Sometimes our first idea may not be the strongest solution. Even when you are under time constraints, try to take a little time to think through the situation before jumping to action. As you brainstorm, remember information is power so seek information from books, on-line, supportive friends and family members, and experts, whether financial, psychological, professional, or spiritual. As you weigh the possible solutions consider the benefits and costs so you can determine the best solution.

6. Take action. Sometimes we just hope the situation will change without us having to do something. This rarely happens. Without direct action, debt grows, relationships can become more distant, and depression can deepen. Instead of waiting for others to shape your life, take action for yourself.

7. Evaluate and be open to change. Sometimes we sabotage our success by sticking to an ineffective plan. Just because you make a decision doesn’t mean you have to be stuck. Look to see if it’s working and if it isn’t consider ways you can either adjust the plan or change the plan. You don’t want to be too harsh to soon, shutting things down before they have an opportunity to work. Likewise you don’t want to stay in a dead-end situation when a better way of life is available to you.

Finally remember: never adopt a mindset where you see yourself as a problem-person. You are a person who may be facing some problems but at your core, you are capable of solutions, strength, and growth. Believe it!

Being a Good Romantic Partner

Relationships can be challenging but rewarding. Here are some tips to help you be the best romantic partner you can be:

1. Feel good about yourself. When we enter a relationship feeling insecure and inadequate it negatively affects our ability to trust. When we feel bad about ourselves we often are more depressed, angry, irritable, and suspicious. Feeling good about yourself means taking the time and space to heal past wounds whether from past romantic partners or from childhood. You don’t want the baggage of the past to stand in the way of your present happiness. Additionally you want to feel good about yourself before you pick your partner. When we are in an emotionally wounded state, we often don’t make the wisest decisions. Work on you so you can be healthy and whole. Then you will be able to connect with healthier people.

2. Communicate. Even the best of partners cannot always read your mind. Allow yourself to be open and honest about your needs and wants. Being miserable and disappointed when your partner has no idea what went wrong is frustrating for both of you. Don’t assume your partner knows what you think, feel, or want. When you start off silencing yourself, you end up spending months or years stuffing your feelings and being unsatisfied. Speak up. Be compassionate, considerate, respectful, and loving but break the silence.

3. Put things in perspective. Remember not everything is “drama-worthy”. If you complain and nag about everything, your partner will not know what things are truly important to you. In other words, pick your battles and know when compromise is the key.

4. Be affectionate. Most people enjoy affirmation. Find creative and consistent ways to demonstrate and express your love. These may be verbal, physical, the gift of quality time, or helping your partner with things they need to get done. Find out the expressions of love that speak most to your partner. When people begin to doubt that you appreciate them or want to be with them it creates space for confusion. Make it a priority to let your partner know that you care and are excited about their presence in your life.

5. Be a good listener. Emotional intimacy is about being heard, understood, and accepted. Strive to be the safe place where your partner can express their thoughts, dreams, needs, and wants. You can do this by being observant to know when they feel most comfortable sharing, asking questions, and paying attention.

6. Avoid abusive and controlling behaviors at all times. Show love and respect for your partner. This means no verbal put-downs, hitting, punching, slapping, pushing, kicking, forced sexual activity, or emotional manipulation such as threats and deception.

A loving relationship can be an incredibly beautiful addition to your life, however past pain and failures can make us hesitant to become involved. Additionally many of us have not seen healthy models of relationships and aren’t sure how to do it. Follow the above tips to build a healthier and more successful relationship. Also don’t be afraid to seek additional help through self-help books, religious leaders, therapists, or people you know who are in successful relationships. It may feel awkward to ask for help, but isn’t love worth it? I believe it is.

Time Management

When we look at what we need to do and look at the hours of the day, we can become overwhelmed. Poor time management includes procrastination, unrealistic expectations, and over-commitment. When we manage our time poorly we can end up feeling anxious, insecure, unproductive, and scattered. It is important that we get a handle on our over-scheduled lives so we can actually enjoy life.

First let’s consider the reasons some of us exercise poor time management. The first issue is feeling we have to prove ourselves based on what we do instead of simply being comfortable with who we are. This leads to over-commitment and trying to do a million things all of the time. You have to give yourself the message, “I am enough – good enough, smart enough, gifted enough, more than enough.” When we spend our lives trying to prove our worth to others and to ourselves we end up chasing something that should already be In our hands – self acceptance.

Another reason we often manage our time poorly is due to working hard instead of working smart. It is true that you have bills to pay, people to see, and projects to accomplish. It is also true that when we stretch ourselves too thin, we often miss the golden opportunities before us. We end up making decisions out of desperation that may not be the most effective decisions. We have to press pause and look realistic at our lives. What can you do now so that you don’t have to commit to living a life of hurried distraction?

Another reason we sometimes manage our time poorly is we have been able to get away with it. Many of us procrastinate and still are pretty much able to get the work done. When we keep pulling things together at the last minute, we send ourselves the message that “we work well under pressure” so there is no need to change. The truth is if you are able to do a good job by staying up the night before getting it done, then very likely you could have done a great job by actually investing time, energy, and effort. We have to make a decision. Do we simply want to check things off of a list or do we want to live with a spirit of excellence? If you want to truly let what you do represent your best, it’s time to make a change.

So here are a few tips to help you better manage your time:
1. Wake up early enough to nourish your spirit. If you start the day rushing, you’re going to feel distracted all day. Start with peace by giving yourself enough time in the morning to pray/meditate, listen to an uplifting song, read an inspiring passage, eat breakfast, and get ready at a pace that is comfortable and not chaotic.
2. Create achievable to-do lists. Avoid making lists that are impossible to complete. This only makes you feel bad about yourself. Be realistic about your goals.
3. Develop a plan to work smarter. If you need to make a certain amount of money to live, think about how to create multiple streams of income, how to decrease your commute or to use your commute to do something constructive, and how to develop your skills so you can be promoted and better compensated. Working exhaustingly long hours on low-paying jobs is a temporary solution. You need to develop a master plan for how to get to the next level.
4. Treat procrastination like the enemy that it is. Recognize what eats up your time and give yourself goals to get it under control. What do you need to cut back on and how much time are you going to cut back today? What is eating away at your time? Is it too much time watching television, talking on the phone, or surfing the web. You don’t have to cut out everything you find pleasurable but you need to set some limits. Make a commitment to yourself and then make it happen.
5. Finally remember the importance of balance. When there are multiple things that are important for you, you have to make time for them but also recognize that the more interests you have the less time you can devote to each. Some days you simply cannot do it all so determine overall in a given week how can you have balance between self care, work, family, friends, and your hobbies or interests.

If you try one approach and it is not working, give yourself permission to try a different approach until you find one that works for you. Time is a precious gift. Be mindful of how you use it. Deep breath in… and exhale.

Resisting Stereotypes, Discrimination, and Oppression

When people believe that you and every one of your social category is inferior, it can be challenging to maintain a positive outlook. You may have been the victim of a hate crime or another act of discrimination based on your race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, disability, income, or even country of birth. Acts of bias include but are not limited to being denied access to housing, employment, legal protection, and school admission, being called derogatory names, being physically assaulted, being ignored or rejected, being profiled and unjustly prosecuted, and being consistently depicted in a negative light in the media. Oppression, such as racism and sexism are ugly realities that can chip away at your self esteem.

People are affected in different ways by negative stereotypes and discrimination. When it happens to you, you may experience depression, anger, shock, emptiness, or shame. Sometimes to cope with what has happened, you may deny it. It can even affect our relationships and who we trust. Some people will try to separate themselves from the group that is marginalized and this may mean being an African American who doesn’t like to spend time with other African Americans or being a woman who openly declares, “I don’t like dealing with women.” This type of internalized oppression is very damaging. On the other hand, some people who have experienced oppression respond by only spending time with members of their group as a way of trying to prevent future incidents from occurring. This can also be damaging in that you end up having to limit what you can do and where you can go. It also can result in intense stress when in the presence of those who are different than you.

Many of us have experienced some form of bias, negative stereotyping, or discrimination. It is so important to consider ways to take care of yourself so that you minimize the potential negative consequences of these violations. Here are a few pointers:
1. Be intentional about recognizing and celebrating the positive aspects about you both as an individual and as a member of a social group. You never want to define yourself from the perspective of those who fear or hate you. You want to invest in seeing the beauty and strength of being who you are.
2. When discrimination, hassles, put-downs, and disrespect occur, don’t ignore it or pretend it didn’t happen. Denial is not helpful. It can lead to shame, self-blame, and even physical signs of stress such as migraines or high blood pressure. Acknowledge it to yourself and then you can decide if there is a safe, constructive way for you to address it. This may mean speaking to the person directly, filing a complaint, building coalition with supportive allies, leaving the environment, working to raise awareness, or even pressing charges. Face the truth that the incident happened and then determine which option is best for you.
3. Create safe relationships where you can talk about the difficult and sometimes horrific things you have witnessed or experienced. Discrimination can be very painful and you shouldn’t have to carry that pain alone. You need people in your life you can talk with about it that won’t try to dismiss it or blame you for it.
4. Develop friendships with people of diverse backgrounds, including both members of your social group and other groups. It is not healthy to either run from who you are or to run from every social situation in which you are not in the majority. Spending positive, quality time with a diverse group of friends can improve your view of yourself, your ability to trust, and your view of others.
5. Make sure you choose positive coping strategies over destructive ones. When you have been put down, make sure you don’t seek comfort through cigarettes, alcohol, other drugs, over-eating, or (verbal or physical) violence. Instead cope with your feelings through constructive means like talking about it, using the arts, engaging in community organizing, reading inspirational books, and participating in activities that nurture your spirit.
6. A final tool of empowerment is choosing to actively work to end bias and discrimination. Getting active in your community, school, workplace, or city can be a great way of resisting oppression. You can also start on a personal level by speaking up when those who are close to you speak and behave in discriminatory ways. Each of us has the power to make a positive difference. Speak up and shatter the silence around oppression. Together we can turn things around.