Living with Passion

Are you tired of going through the motions but not really being fulfilled? Do you know there is a difference between existing and living, a difference between being stuck and finding soul satisfaction? I want to encourage you in this season of your life to not settle for anything less than a passionate, purposeful life. If you are not excited about your present and your future, it is time to change course. Life is a gift and if you are not embracing it, you are missing out unnecessarily. From a mental health perspective, there are a number of strategies you can use to revive the passion in your life.

1. Value your life. When you truly consider life as a gift instead of a series of set-backs, you will begin to live more fully. Just imagine how you would live differently if you really valued your life. How would your eating, rest, self-care, relationships, and job situation have to change if you valued your life? Once you get clarity on these things, start to align your actions with your values.

2. Move from dreaming to doing. To live with passion means that you move beyond the thought realm and go into action. There are those who spend a lifetime dreaming, wishing, praying, and waiting for change to come. You can bring significant change to your life now. It is within your reach. Future plans are good but it is important for you to activate your plan in the present. Take steps to build your life’s bridge from where you are now to where you would like to be.

3. Invest time in the things that bring passion to your life. Time management is crucial for living a passionate life. Without it, your time, energy, and resources will all go to doing things you think you need to do to pay bills that don’t seem to go away. Carve out time for the things that feed your spirit. Make time for the things that inspire your passion and ignite your fire. If you cannot do it full time you need to give it some time. Without that you will feel perpetually bitter, drained, and distracted. Bring your purpose and passion into focus instead of constantly making them an afterthought.

4. Develop relationships with passionate people. There are people who will try to put your fire out and then there are those who motivate you to shine even brighter. Being in the presence of passionate people, talking with them, sharing your heart, and hearing their heart speak, fuels your passion. Eliminate draining relationships and seek kindred spirits. Passionate people help you to re-connect with your imagination and possibility.

5. Choose faith over fear. Fear stifles our passion. It makes us focus on the “can’t” instead of the “can”. It focuses on the limitation instead of the possibility. Living with passion requires that you dive in and believe that you can swim and that you deserve to experience deeper waters. Aren’t you tired of hanging out on the shallow end of the pool? You were made for more. Pursue your bliss and don’t become the one person blocking you from a passionate life.

Being a Leader People Want to Follow

There is one thing to have a great idea or vision. It is a different thing to be able to mobilize and lead people over time to make dreams into reality. The manner in which you treat people can either launch you into unimagined success or set you back in immeasurable ways. Great leadership is not an accident. It takes intentions, self-awareness, sensitivity, strength, and hard work. Some of these skills may seem to come naturally to you. In fact it is likely that you have either been blessed to witness good leadership and you have adopted some of what you’ve seen or you have had the misfortune of experiencing bad leadership and are very intentional of not becoming what you have seen. Psychologists have examined a number of components that together can create a great leader. I have summarized some of these mental health leadership tips below for you to consider.


1. Self-awareness. It is very important for you to be aware of your strengths, growth areas, and personality style. People who are clueless about themselves are likely to engage in self-sabotaging behavior such as not recognizing how their behavior is affecting others or not getting help in areas that are clear weaknesses. Know yourself so you can grow yourself. Self-knowledge is critical for self-development.

2. Vision and purpose. If you are not clear about what you are trying to do, it will be impossible to get others excited about it. It is not a good idea to focus on fluff without substance. The substance is the detailed vision, plan, and goal. A leader without a mission will not be a leader for long. Clarity is necessary for effective leadership.

3. Commitment. Leaders don’t quit. When things get tough, leaders rise to the occasion. People will place their trust in those who do not easily lose faith or perspective. If you continuously start things but never finish you will develop a reputation for being flaky and people will not trust your vision or your leadership. Perseverance is a fundamental quality for good leaders.

4. Respectful. People respond based on how they are treated. If you are gifted with the opportunity to lead do not adopt a demeaning, arrogant, or condescending attitude. Confidence is not the same as operating with a sense of entitlement. Talk to people with respect. Consider people’s ideas and feelings respectful. Carry yourself with respect. Have enough respect for the project that you won’t let ego get in the way of accomplishing the goal. Strength and humility can co-exist and it is vital that you nurture both qualities.

5. Team work. Team work makes the dream work. If you don’t learn to delegate and share the load you will end up doing everything by yourself. A lone ranger may become a successful person but that is not leadership. Determine the strengths of those around you and then create space for people to shine, grow, and thrive. When the team does well everyone wins. A leader who cannot let go of any aspect of the project will drain the enthusiasm from the group and make everyone overly dependent on the leader to the point that failure is only a matter of time.

Learn from the good and bad examples of leadership you have seen. Commit to a spirit of excellence by being open to continual learning. Great leadership is not a destination but a journey. Take steps each day in the direction of your dreams.

Dr. Thema talking about Trauma Recovery and "For Colored Girls"

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Dealing with High-Drama People

There are some people who thrive on high drama. They like to create it. They feel most comfortable when they’re surrounded by it. Constant drama is not only a lot of work for the individual who is creating it but it is also very draining for those who are around them. It usually doesn’t take long to recognize when you’re dealing with a high drama person. Here are some of the signs:
• The person has the capacity to make the smallest issues into a major event.
• The person usually dominates every conversation.
• When the person does withdraw, they do it in a very attention grabbing way that manages to focus all energy toward them.
• They seem to always be on stage or putting on a performance.
• They find it easier to see the negative than the positive.
• They have a way of speaking to people that creates tension.

If you have a friend or family member who is a drama starter, it can be very difficult to manage. There are a number of possible reasons for their behavior. The person may:
• Create drama as a distraction from dealing with their real issues.
• Have grown up with constant put-downs and have never learned how to be positive or affirming.
• Feel insecure and need constant attention to convince them that they are valued.
• Confuse peaceful with boring and create drama to entertain themselves and others.

For those who are in relationship with high drama people, here are some pointers:
1. Be very clear about your relationship with the person. You can be the supportive friend, family member, or spouse but you cannot be their therapist.
2. You have to set up healthy boundaries to both take care of yourself and also to discourage unhealthy dynamics in the relationship.
3. Aim to be a stable, grounded person not someone who feeds off of the drama and escalates it. Do not give the person the message that their job is to entertain you. Be the kind of friend that doesn’t pressure them to perform.
4. Develop a healthy sense of yourself so you don’t let the drama cause you to doubt yourself or your worth.
5. Set limits. While it is good to be supportive, if the high drama person is being disrespectful or abusive, don’t feel you have to suffer in silence. Take the space and time you need to think honestly about the level of contact you want to maintain with the person. If you need to reduce the time you spend with the person, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It means you are taking steps to protect and preserve your emotional well-being.

Most importantly, don’t get caught up in the drama. Take a step back so you can see things clearly.

Addressing Addictions: Are your habits out of control?

Do you find it hard to stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors? Would you say you have an addiction to cigarettes, alcohol, other drugs, food, gambling, pornography, chocolate, caffeine, or the internet? While some addictions may have more serious consequences than others, it is important to take note of any personal habits that are out of control. We should be concerned about our well-being when we engage excessively in activities to give us pleasure and relief from stress and pressure but the behaviors actually in the long-run diminish our physical and/or mental health.

Some personality traits have been associated with addictions. They are:
- Impulsive behavior, difficulty delaying gratification.
- A high value of breaking rules.
- A sense of social isolation.
- A sense of heightened stress.

Here are some warning signs to consider:
1. You find yourself moving from one unhealthy habit to another.
2. Drinking or drugs have led to problems in your job or relationships.
3. You have a parent who struggled with addictions.
4. Your life tends to be full of drama.
5. You have difficulty making meaningful relationships.
6. You often feel out of control in one or more areas of your life.
7. You become obsessed with things quickly.
8. You lie about your habits to your friends and family.

If you are concerned that you may have an addictive personality, here are some things you can do:
1. Identify which things you feel you could develop an addiction to and avoid them before they become addictions.
2. Focus your energies on healthy activities to replace the unhealthy strategies that you are using to cope.
3. Learn relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, prayer, muscle relaxation, and exercise in moderation.
4. Write down the negative thoughts you have when you feel pulled to engage in the addictive behavior. Then write down an argument against those negative thoughts. Instead of accepting negativity, resist by trying to look at the situation in another way.
5. Break down the things you need to do into doable small goals so you don’t feel so overwhelmed.
6. Educate yourself. Find information on-line or in the library about the substance or habit to which you are developing an addiction. Information is empowering and can help give you strength to work toward healing.
7. Consider seeking professional help. Addictions are challenging but you don’t have to face it alone.

Recognizing the Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Domestic violence and dating violence are wide-spread issues that affect people of all backgrounds. An abusive relationship can be emotionally, verbally, sexually, or physically abusive. Often the abuse starts off small and then escalates. Abuse in a relationship is not just about someone losing their temper. It is about power and control. It is based on their belief that they have the right to control and abuse you. Unfortunately many of us miss the warning signs that demonstrate a pattern of unhealthy behaviors. We often hope the behaviors will go away or hope that they are not a big deal. It is very important to learn to detect the warning signs so you can get to a safe place, physically and emotionally. Abusive people will try to date many people. The key is to trust yourself enough to know when someone is crossing the line. It is true that all relationships will have disagreements but abuse, violation, and violence are never acceptable.

Here are some important warning signs that you may be with an abusive partner:
Do you:
• Feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• Feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Do the following descriptions describe your partner?
• Extreme jealousy
• Constant insults or ridicule
• Telling you what you can and can’t do
• Financial Control
• Possessiveness or controlling behavior
• Making false accusations
• Keeping you from seeing or talking with family and friends

Does your partner:
• Humiliate or yell at you?
• Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
• Hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Destroy your belongings?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

If you answered “yes” to one, a few, or all of the questions, here are some steps for you to consider.
1. Break the isolation and shame by finding a safe person. You may want to confide in a friend, family member, therapist, police officer, or co-worker. Make sure it is someone you feel you can trust.
2. Remind yourself that the abuse is not your fault. There is no action that justifies abusive behavior.
3. Think about the possibility of getting out of the relationship. Consider the safety issues and the practical issues of where you would go and how you would go.
4. Look on-line or contact the local police station to find out available resources in your area. Resources may include counseling, housing, childcare, transportation, and legal advocacy.
5. Remember healthy relationships are based on love, respect, and trust. If those things are absent, you are not in a healthy relationship.
6. Be patient with yourself. It can be a very difficult and frightening experience to think about leaving an abusive person.
7. Consider counseling for yourself and see if your partner is willing to go to counseling. It is recommended that you both go individually instead of having sessions together.
8. Get more assistance by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Setting Boundaries

An important skill to develop is learning to set boundaries personally and professionally. This goes against the people pleasing mentality which requires that we attempt to be all things to all people while neglecting ourselves. If you notice yourself feeling frustrated, taken advantage of, overworked, overextended, resentful, and/or constantly tired, you may need to start setting more boundaries.

Here are few mental health tips for setting boundaries.
1. When a request is made of you take time to think about it instead of always giving an instant “yes”. You need to consider your other responsibilities, if this is in line with your purpose and life goals, if you have the skill and energy to successfully complete the task, and what place does it have in the grand scheme of things.

2. When you decide to say “no” do so without regret or guilt. When we exude guilt it leaves the door open for the person to continue to ask. You can communicate compassionately but clearly that you are unable to fulfill the request.

3. Setting physical boundaries is also important. If you feel someone is violating your physical space, speak up and attempt to physically move. Your body is a temple and worthy of respect and protection. If you are uncomfortable, trust that feeling and do what you can to interrupt the behavior or touch that is making you uncomfortable. The person may or may not mean any harm but if they are a touchy feely person and that makes you anxious or uncomfortable, the only way they will know it is if you let them know it.

4. Setting personal boundaries is also important. If someone asks you questions about a personal matter that you don’t feel comfortable answering, resist the automatic response that leads to answering now and regretting it later. You can say directly that you do not wish to have that conversation with them, you can change the subject, or you can simply walk away or end the phone call. When someone is attempting to bully or intimidate you, the behavior will often escalate until we shift it. Do what you can to end the intrusive pattern early.

5. Break the silence. Often when we remain silent the intrusions on our emotional and physical space multiple. Learn to speak up and express how you feel. Communication is an integral component to setting boundaries. Communicate directly and honestly to ensure the person knows the specific behavior that makes you uncomfortable and which you would like to stop.

6. When someone crosses your boundaries or otherwise takes advantage of you, do not pretend to yourself or to them that it didn’t happen. This masking or denial only serves to erase the impact of the earlier communication. People unfortunately do not always take words seriously. If it is important to you, be prepared to follow up with action. This is not threatening or manipulation but taking steps to protect and respect yourself and your feelings.

7. Celebrate yourself when you set boundaries instead of getting caught up in a guilt trip. It is a sign of strength and emotional maturity when you are able to set healthy boundaries. When you affirm yourself for doing this, it will become easier and easier.

Remember:
 You are not responsible for everyone’s happiness.
 You do not have to constantly be on the go to be valuable or good enough.
 You can take important steps to preserve your well-being.