Family and Friends Coping with Mental Illness

Given the high rates of emotional distress and mental illness, it is very likely that you will have a family member or friend who is dealing with a mental health issue. Mental illness does not just affect the individual but all of those who are around them. You may have a friend or family member who is dealing with depression, addiction, bipolar disorder, severe anxiety, or schizophrenia. If you are not careful, you can also become overwhelmed and develop intense distress as a result of the worry you feel for your loved one. Having a family member of friend with mental illness can cause you to feel sad, angry, frustrated, afraid, guilty, hopeless, ashamed, or confused. Here are a few important strategies:

1. Remember a relative or friend can not become the person's therapist. It is important for you to be a supportive person but you cannot cure or fix the issue. You can help to ease their stress but do not try to be the person’s therapist. It is not possible and it is not healthy for either of you.
2. Encourage your friend or relative to get counseling and if needed to take their medication. Mental illness is a major issue that requires more than positive thinking or willpower. There are some skills that can be taught in counseling, some difficult past issues that can be processed, and some symptoms that can be reduced through medication and/or talk therapy. If you care about the person talk to them about the importance of getting help.
3. Tough love is not the answer for mental illness. Yelling, cursing, and giving ultimatums to someone with a mental disorder is not helpful. It increases stress, frustration, and anger. Usually the person will isolate and/or get worse. They may begin to say what you want to hear but the change will not be authentic or long-lasting when it is based on threats.
4. Knowledge is power. You can be a more effective support person by taking the time to learn more about your friend or family member’s specific mental illness. Talk to their doctor (if they consent) and/or read about the causes, effects, coping strategies, and resources. You are not alone. There are other family members and friends around the world who are in a similar situation of trying to support someone with mental health challenges. Talk with them on-line or in groups. Getting more information will empower you.
5. Enjoy the good moments. Instead of focusing solely on the symptoms, remember the good memories and be open enough to experience the good moments as they occur. Appreciate the good and recognize the strengths of the person in spite of the challenges they are facing. It doesn’t mean we ignore the problem but we know that there is more to the person that a diagnosis.
6. Self-care for the caretaker. You may spend a lot of time and energy trying to make your family member or friend happy. You have to be careful not to wear yourself down. You will end up drained and bitter if you don’t take time for self-care. Constantly putting off your needs will eventually catch up with you and result in emotional and sometimes even physical health challenges. Take time to rest, eat healthy meals, develop healthy relationships, and possibly speak with a counselor.

Your Total Life Make-Over

At this time of year many of us make resolutions or revive old resolutions. We are often inspired and energized to turn the page, release the past, and move forward. We want to be wiser, stronger, and more fulfilled. The challenge is not always starting the new path but staying committed to it. Here are a few pointers to help equip you for the journey.

1. Make a commitment to a lifestyle change not simply a push for quick results. When we do rush diets to quickly lose pounds we often end up gaining them back. Additionally when we decide we just want to be with anyone, we end up choosing people who are not good for us in the long run. So instead of thinking of simply changing your life in the NOW, you want to commit to changing the way you approach life in the short term and the long term.

2. Set realistic goals. Often we get discouraged because we set unrealistic goals and then fail. When we sabotage ourselves but setting goals that we can’t live up to for more than a few days or few weeks, we do ourselves a disservice. Don’t set your goals based on what someone else is doing or simply what someone else has said. You have to set goals that work for you. Be honest with yourself. Now honest doesn’t mean that you set no goals at all. It just means that you take the mountain one step at a time.

3. Accountability is necessary. When we don’t set any standards we end up continuing to follow old habits, patterns, and relationship cycles. You need to acknowledge what needs to change and what you are going to do about it. Think it, speak it, write it down, share it, pray about it, meditate on it, and monitor it. If I make a vague promise to myself that I’m going to do better financially this is meaningless. I have to spell out to myself what exactly that means. I need to be very clear about my aims in terms of my budget, my investment in my financial future, and the temptations that need to be avoided. Often it is good to share your goals with another person who can help you to stay accountable. If I decide to give up fast food, or soda, or sweets, it helps if those around me know that this is my goal. Name it and claim it.

4. Surround yourself with positive people. If you are trying to quit or cut back on fatty foods, smoking, drinking, gossip, procrastination, or unsafe sexual activities, then you need to be around people who support those goals. If the people I am around constantly attempt to discourage me and dissuade me from my goal, it will be even harder to maintain the change. With a new attitude you should also draw new relationships – connections to those who are striving for better and who support those who are trying to do better.

5. Remember a set-back does not mean surrender. The truth is change is difficult. Too often because we slip up we excuse ourselves from any further effort. If and when you find yourself going back to old habits, remember the reason you committed to changing in the first place. Think about the benefits of change, recall how good it felt when you were living in a more positive way, and then take active steps to get back on the path. A misstep doesn’t have to be the final step. Recognize it for what it was, consider what you need to do to avoid it in the future, and then encourage yourself to make the change again.

Living with Passion

Are you tired of going through the motions but not really being fulfilled? Do you know there is a difference between existing and living, a difference between being stuck and finding soul satisfaction? I want to encourage you in this season of your life to not settle for anything less than a passionate, purposeful life. If you are not excited about your present and your future, it is time to change course. Life is a gift and if you are not embracing it, you are missing out unnecessarily. From a mental health perspective, there are a number of strategies you can use to revive the passion in your life.

1. Value your life. When you truly consider life as a gift instead of a series of set-backs, you will begin to live more fully. Just imagine how you would live differently if you really valued your life. How would your eating, rest, self-care, relationships, and job situation have to change if you valued your life? Once you get clarity on these things, start to align your actions with your values.

2. Move from dreaming to doing. To live with passion means that you move beyond the thought realm and go into action. There are those who spend a lifetime dreaming, wishing, praying, and waiting for change to come. You can bring significant change to your life now. It is within your reach. Future plans are good but it is important for you to activate your plan in the present. Take steps to build your life’s bridge from where you are now to where you would like to be.

3. Invest time in the things that bring passion to your life. Time management is crucial for living a passionate life. Without it, your time, energy, and resources will all go to doing things you think you need to do to pay bills that don’t seem to go away. Carve out time for the things that feed your spirit. Make time for the things that inspire your passion and ignite your fire. If you cannot do it full time you need to give it some time. Without that you will feel perpetually bitter, drained, and distracted. Bring your purpose and passion into focus instead of constantly making them an afterthought.

4. Develop relationships with passionate people. There are people who will try to put your fire out and then there are those who motivate you to shine even brighter. Being in the presence of passionate people, talking with them, sharing your heart, and hearing their heart speak, fuels your passion. Eliminate draining relationships and seek kindred spirits. Passionate people help you to re-connect with your imagination and possibility.

5. Choose faith over fear. Fear stifles our passion. It makes us focus on the “can’t” instead of the “can”. It focuses on the limitation instead of the possibility. Living with passion requires that you dive in and believe that you can swim and that you deserve to experience deeper waters. Aren’t you tired of hanging out on the shallow end of the pool? You were made for more. Pursue your bliss and don’t become the one person blocking you from a passionate life.

Being a Leader People Want to Follow

There is one thing to have a great idea or vision. It is a different thing to be able to mobilize and lead people over time to make dreams into reality. The manner in which you treat people can either launch you into unimagined success or set you back in immeasurable ways. Great leadership is not an accident. It takes intentions, self-awareness, sensitivity, strength, and hard work. Some of these skills may seem to come naturally to you. In fact it is likely that you have either been blessed to witness good leadership and you have adopted some of what you’ve seen or you have had the misfortune of experiencing bad leadership and are very intentional of not becoming what you have seen. Psychologists have examined a number of components that together can create a great leader. I have summarized some of these mental health leadership tips below for you to consider.


1. Self-awareness. It is very important for you to be aware of your strengths, growth areas, and personality style. People who are clueless about themselves are likely to engage in self-sabotaging behavior such as not recognizing how their behavior is affecting others or not getting help in areas that are clear weaknesses. Know yourself so you can grow yourself. Self-knowledge is critical for self-development.

2. Vision and purpose. If you are not clear about what you are trying to do, it will be impossible to get others excited about it. It is not a good idea to focus on fluff without substance. The substance is the detailed vision, plan, and goal. A leader without a mission will not be a leader for long. Clarity is necessary for effective leadership.

3. Commitment. Leaders don’t quit. When things get tough, leaders rise to the occasion. People will place their trust in those who do not easily lose faith or perspective. If you continuously start things but never finish you will develop a reputation for being flaky and people will not trust your vision or your leadership. Perseverance is a fundamental quality for good leaders.

4. Respectful. People respond based on how they are treated. If you are gifted with the opportunity to lead do not adopt a demeaning, arrogant, or condescending attitude. Confidence is not the same as operating with a sense of entitlement. Talk to people with respect. Consider people’s ideas and feelings respectful. Carry yourself with respect. Have enough respect for the project that you won’t let ego get in the way of accomplishing the goal. Strength and humility can co-exist and it is vital that you nurture both qualities.

5. Team work. Team work makes the dream work. If you don’t learn to delegate and share the load you will end up doing everything by yourself. A lone ranger may become a successful person but that is not leadership. Determine the strengths of those around you and then create space for people to shine, grow, and thrive. When the team does well everyone wins. A leader who cannot let go of any aspect of the project will drain the enthusiasm from the group and make everyone overly dependent on the leader to the point that failure is only a matter of time.

Learn from the good and bad examples of leadership you have seen. Commit to a spirit of excellence by being open to continual learning. Great leadership is not a destination but a journey. Take steps each day in the direction of your dreams.

Dr. Thema talking about Trauma Recovery and "For Colored Girls"

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Dealing with High-Drama People

There are some people who thrive on high drama. They like to create it. They feel most comfortable when they’re surrounded by it. Constant drama is not only a lot of work for the individual who is creating it but it is also very draining for those who are around them. It usually doesn’t take long to recognize when you’re dealing with a high drama person. Here are some of the signs:
• The person has the capacity to make the smallest issues into a major event.
• The person usually dominates every conversation.
• When the person does withdraw, they do it in a very attention grabbing way that manages to focus all energy toward them.
• They seem to always be on stage or putting on a performance.
• They find it easier to see the negative than the positive.
• They have a way of speaking to people that creates tension.

If you have a friend or family member who is a drama starter, it can be very difficult to manage. There are a number of possible reasons for their behavior. The person may:
• Create drama as a distraction from dealing with their real issues.
• Have grown up with constant put-downs and have never learned how to be positive or affirming.
• Feel insecure and need constant attention to convince them that they are valued.
• Confuse peaceful with boring and create drama to entertain themselves and others.

For those who are in relationship with high drama people, here are some pointers:
1. Be very clear about your relationship with the person. You can be the supportive friend, family member, or spouse but you cannot be their therapist.
2. You have to set up healthy boundaries to both take care of yourself and also to discourage unhealthy dynamics in the relationship.
3. Aim to be a stable, grounded person not someone who feeds off of the drama and escalates it. Do not give the person the message that their job is to entertain you. Be the kind of friend that doesn’t pressure them to perform.
4. Develop a healthy sense of yourself so you don’t let the drama cause you to doubt yourself or your worth.
5. Set limits. While it is good to be supportive, if the high drama person is being disrespectful or abusive, don’t feel you have to suffer in silence. Take the space and time you need to think honestly about the level of contact you want to maintain with the person. If you need to reduce the time you spend with the person, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It means you are taking steps to protect and preserve your emotional well-being.

Most importantly, don’t get caught up in the drama. Take a step back so you can see things clearly.

Addressing Addictions: Are your habits out of control?

Do you find it hard to stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors? Would you say you have an addiction to cigarettes, alcohol, other drugs, food, gambling, pornography, chocolate, caffeine, or the internet? While some addictions may have more serious consequences than others, it is important to take note of any personal habits that are out of control. We should be concerned about our well-being when we engage excessively in activities to give us pleasure and relief from stress and pressure but the behaviors actually in the long-run diminish our physical and/or mental health.

Some personality traits have been associated with addictions. They are:
- Impulsive behavior, difficulty delaying gratification.
- A high value of breaking rules.
- A sense of social isolation.
- A sense of heightened stress.

Here are some warning signs to consider:
1. You find yourself moving from one unhealthy habit to another.
2. Drinking or drugs have led to problems in your job or relationships.
3. You have a parent who struggled with addictions.
4. Your life tends to be full of drama.
5. You have difficulty making meaningful relationships.
6. You often feel out of control in one or more areas of your life.
7. You become obsessed with things quickly.
8. You lie about your habits to your friends and family.

If you are concerned that you may have an addictive personality, here are some things you can do:
1. Identify which things you feel you could develop an addiction to and avoid them before they become addictions.
2. Focus your energies on healthy activities to replace the unhealthy strategies that you are using to cope.
3. Learn relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, prayer, muscle relaxation, and exercise in moderation.
4. Write down the negative thoughts you have when you feel pulled to engage in the addictive behavior. Then write down an argument against those negative thoughts. Instead of accepting negativity, resist by trying to look at the situation in another way.
5. Break down the things you need to do into doable small goals so you don’t feel so overwhelmed.
6. Educate yourself. Find information on-line or in the library about the substance or habit to which you are developing an addiction. Information is empowering and can help give you strength to work toward healing.
7. Consider seeking professional help. Addictions are challenging but you don’t have to face it alone.