Stepping Up: Living with Excellence

Are you ready for a more excellent way? Are you tired of settling or living life below your potential? We often find ourselves going through the motions of living but not being truly fulfilled. There are many things that pull us into living with mediocrity, such as fear, procrastination, and unhealthy habits. Even though easy living may be the simple choice in the short run, it often leaves us feeling empty, guilty, and frustrated. On the other side, our gifts, purpose, vision, and goals beckon us into our greatness. If you are truly ready to step up and make a change, here are the Stages of Change (developed by Prochaska and DiClemente) for you to consider. These stages are usually applied to the process of changing unhealthy behaviors but they can also be applied to our decision to engage in more positive, healthy behaviors.

• Precontemplation – This is the stage when we are living below our potential but don’t even realize it. This means we have become so comfortable settling that we don’t even realize more is possible. It is disappointing when we embrace a life that falls short of our potential. However, just by the fact that you are reading this blog, I believe you are already considering the ways you can improve your life.

• Contemplation – This is the stage when we begin to think about what life would be like if we began to think, speak, and act differently. It is important during this time to consider the benefits and challenges that would come with serious life change. Growth can be difficult so we have to think it through by being honest with ourselves.

• Preparation – During this stage we make a decision to step up to the plate of change and then we begin to prepare for the changes we need to make. If your dream is big you have to prepare to step out on faith. Consider the steps you need to take now so that you can make changes in your personal life, professional life, health habits, self-care, artistic expression, and/or spiritual life.

• Action – This stage is necessary. Many people will live their entire lives saying “one day”. Well eventually we have to take action. This is when we move from thinking about it and preparing to do it to actually taking concrete steps of change. Consider now what are you willing to do to transform your life? If not now, when?

• Maintenance – In this stage we have to keep up a spirit of excellence. We have to be intentional about not going back to the easy path. We have to resist our old habits, patterns, and cycles and commit daily to living with excellence. It is not enough to make a New Year’s Resolution or to make a momentary decision. Maintenance requires self-discipline. We have to seek out those things that feed our spirits, minds, and hearts – those things and people that inspire and motivate us so we don’t go backward. Maintenance also means that when I slip back into mediocre living I don’t allow myself to dwell there. I make a decision to re-commit to the path of excellence.

A more excellent way is available to you. Make the decision to step up and then keep stepping forward. Excellence is not easy but it is worth it.

Success Strategies for Romantic Relationships

When love relationships are healthy that can increase our joy, sense of peace, connection, and fulfillment. When they are unhealthy however they can increase our stress, frustration, anger, distrust, and sadness. From a mental health perspective there are a number of success strategies that you can use to enhance your romantic relationships.

1. Choose wisely. When we choose to date people who are not good for us or to us, trying to use success strategies will have minimal impact. For example if I am with someone who doesn’t respect me or the relationship, improving my communication or intimacy skills will not make the person change. In order to have a healthy relationship we need to work to heal our issues so that we begin choosing partners more wisely. Instead of choosing someone who is dysfunctional and then working and praying to change them, we need to start being more practical and prayerful about the decisions we make before entering a relationship.

2. Be open to feedback. None of us are perfect and it is important for us to all realize there are ways we can improve. For your current relationship to succeed you may need to learn some things that are different than the relationships you saw modeled for you when you were growing up and perhaps even strategies that are different from your prior relationships. Each person is different so the things that worked with one person may not always work with every person. Communication is important so you can understand each other’s expectations, hopes, fears, and dreams.

3. Keep it fresh. It is important that we not take each other for granted. When we are initially dating, we often put our best foot forward and then over time we can see our efforts dwindling. It is important that we let our partners know they are loved, desired, and appreciated. Look for creative ways to communicate your feelings to your partner. The love languages include expressing your feelings verbally, physically, with time, with gifts, and/or by actions that provide help for your partner. Think about which area is your strength and which area you could try to improve.

4. Listen. People often end up either talking at each other or not speaking to each other. To keep the relationship going and growing both people need to be heard. Instead of becoming defensive, try to actually hear your partner’s concerns. Even if you don’t agree with everything, try to hear the inner issue or feelings that are motivating the statement of your partner. After you have heard them let them know you were listening by doing what you can to take into account their feedback. If people perceive that they are being ignored, they will simply shut down and stop sharing their issues. Successful couples really listen to one another.

5. Successful couples enjoy the different gifts that each one brings to the table. The two of you will not be identical. Instead of trying to create a clone of yourself learn to appreciate your partner for who they are. This strategy can greatly reduce the stress and tension between people and allow you to actually enjoy your different styles, personalities, and preferences.

For relationships to thrive we have to invest our time, emotion, and effort. Success is possible especially when both people are willing to work for it.

Family and Friends Coping with Mental Illness

Given the high rates of emotional distress and mental illness, it is very likely that you will have a family member or friend who is dealing with a mental health issue. Mental illness does not just affect the individual but all of those who are around them. You may have a friend or family member who is dealing with depression, addiction, bipolar disorder, severe anxiety, or schizophrenia. If you are not careful, you can also become overwhelmed and develop intense distress as a result of the worry you feel for your loved one. Having a family member of friend with mental illness can cause you to feel sad, angry, frustrated, afraid, guilty, hopeless, ashamed, or confused. Here are a few important strategies:

1. Remember a relative or friend can not become the person's therapist. It is important for you to be a supportive person but you cannot cure or fix the issue. You can help to ease their stress but do not try to be the person’s therapist. It is not possible and it is not healthy for either of you.
2. Encourage your friend or relative to get counseling and if needed to take their medication. Mental illness is a major issue that requires more than positive thinking or willpower. There are some skills that can be taught in counseling, some difficult past issues that can be processed, and some symptoms that can be reduced through medication and/or talk therapy. If you care about the person talk to them about the importance of getting help.
3. Tough love is not the answer for mental illness. Yelling, cursing, and giving ultimatums to someone with a mental disorder is not helpful. It increases stress, frustration, and anger. Usually the person will isolate and/or get worse. They may begin to say what you want to hear but the change will not be authentic or long-lasting when it is based on threats.
4. Knowledge is power. You can be a more effective support person by taking the time to learn more about your friend or family member’s specific mental illness. Talk to their doctor (if they consent) and/or read about the causes, effects, coping strategies, and resources. You are not alone. There are other family members and friends around the world who are in a similar situation of trying to support someone with mental health challenges. Talk with them on-line or in groups. Getting more information will empower you.
5. Enjoy the good moments. Instead of focusing solely on the symptoms, remember the good memories and be open enough to experience the good moments as they occur. Appreciate the good and recognize the strengths of the person in spite of the challenges they are facing. It doesn’t mean we ignore the problem but we know that there is more to the person that a diagnosis.
6. Self-care for the caretaker. You may spend a lot of time and energy trying to make your family member or friend happy. You have to be careful not to wear yourself down. You will end up drained and bitter if you don’t take time for self-care. Constantly putting off your needs will eventually catch up with you and result in emotional and sometimes even physical health challenges. Take time to rest, eat healthy meals, develop healthy relationships, and possibly speak with a counselor.

Your Total Life Make-Over

At this time of year many of us make resolutions or revive old resolutions. We are often inspired and energized to turn the page, release the past, and move forward. We want to be wiser, stronger, and more fulfilled. The challenge is not always starting the new path but staying committed to it. Here are a few pointers to help equip you for the journey.

1. Make a commitment to a lifestyle change not simply a push for quick results. When we do rush diets to quickly lose pounds we often end up gaining them back. Additionally when we decide we just want to be with anyone, we end up choosing people who are not good for us in the long run. So instead of thinking of simply changing your life in the NOW, you want to commit to changing the way you approach life in the short term and the long term.

2. Set realistic goals. Often we get discouraged because we set unrealistic goals and then fail. When we sabotage ourselves but setting goals that we can’t live up to for more than a few days or few weeks, we do ourselves a disservice. Don’t set your goals based on what someone else is doing or simply what someone else has said. You have to set goals that work for you. Be honest with yourself. Now honest doesn’t mean that you set no goals at all. It just means that you take the mountain one step at a time.

3. Accountability is necessary. When we don’t set any standards we end up continuing to follow old habits, patterns, and relationship cycles. You need to acknowledge what needs to change and what you are going to do about it. Think it, speak it, write it down, share it, pray about it, meditate on it, and monitor it. If I make a vague promise to myself that I’m going to do better financially this is meaningless. I have to spell out to myself what exactly that means. I need to be very clear about my aims in terms of my budget, my investment in my financial future, and the temptations that need to be avoided. Often it is good to share your goals with another person who can help you to stay accountable. If I decide to give up fast food, or soda, or sweets, it helps if those around me know that this is my goal. Name it and claim it.

4. Surround yourself with positive people. If you are trying to quit or cut back on fatty foods, smoking, drinking, gossip, procrastination, or unsafe sexual activities, then you need to be around people who support those goals. If the people I am around constantly attempt to discourage me and dissuade me from my goal, it will be even harder to maintain the change. With a new attitude you should also draw new relationships – connections to those who are striving for better and who support those who are trying to do better.

5. Remember a set-back does not mean surrender. The truth is change is difficult. Too often because we slip up we excuse ourselves from any further effort. If and when you find yourself going back to old habits, remember the reason you committed to changing in the first place. Think about the benefits of change, recall how good it felt when you were living in a more positive way, and then take active steps to get back on the path. A misstep doesn’t have to be the final step. Recognize it for what it was, consider what you need to do to avoid it in the future, and then encourage yourself to make the change again.

Living with Passion

Are you tired of going through the motions but not really being fulfilled? Do you know there is a difference between existing and living, a difference between being stuck and finding soul satisfaction? I want to encourage you in this season of your life to not settle for anything less than a passionate, purposeful life. If you are not excited about your present and your future, it is time to change course. Life is a gift and if you are not embracing it, you are missing out unnecessarily. From a mental health perspective, there are a number of strategies you can use to revive the passion in your life.

1. Value your life. When you truly consider life as a gift instead of a series of set-backs, you will begin to live more fully. Just imagine how you would live differently if you really valued your life. How would your eating, rest, self-care, relationships, and job situation have to change if you valued your life? Once you get clarity on these things, start to align your actions with your values.

2. Move from dreaming to doing. To live with passion means that you move beyond the thought realm and go into action. There are those who spend a lifetime dreaming, wishing, praying, and waiting for change to come. You can bring significant change to your life now. It is within your reach. Future plans are good but it is important for you to activate your plan in the present. Take steps to build your life’s bridge from where you are now to where you would like to be.

3. Invest time in the things that bring passion to your life. Time management is crucial for living a passionate life. Without it, your time, energy, and resources will all go to doing things you think you need to do to pay bills that don’t seem to go away. Carve out time for the things that feed your spirit. Make time for the things that inspire your passion and ignite your fire. If you cannot do it full time you need to give it some time. Without that you will feel perpetually bitter, drained, and distracted. Bring your purpose and passion into focus instead of constantly making them an afterthought.

4. Develop relationships with passionate people. There are people who will try to put your fire out and then there are those who motivate you to shine even brighter. Being in the presence of passionate people, talking with them, sharing your heart, and hearing their heart speak, fuels your passion. Eliminate draining relationships and seek kindred spirits. Passionate people help you to re-connect with your imagination and possibility.

5. Choose faith over fear. Fear stifles our passion. It makes us focus on the “can’t” instead of the “can”. It focuses on the limitation instead of the possibility. Living with passion requires that you dive in and believe that you can swim and that you deserve to experience deeper waters. Aren’t you tired of hanging out on the shallow end of the pool? You were made for more. Pursue your bliss and don’t become the one person blocking you from a passionate life.

Being a Leader People Want to Follow

There is one thing to have a great idea or vision. It is a different thing to be able to mobilize and lead people over time to make dreams into reality. The manner in which you treat people can either launch you into unimagined success or set you back in immeasurable ways. Great leadership is not an accident. It takes intentions, self-awareness, sensitivity, strength, and hard work. Some of these skills may seem to come naturally to you. In fact it is likely that you have either been blessed to witness good leadership and you have adopted some of what you’ve seen or you have had the misfortune of experiencing bad leadership and are very intentional of not becoming what you have seen. Psychologists have examined a number of components that together can create a great leader. I have summarized some of these mental health leadership tips below for you to consider.


1. Self-awareness. It is very important for you to be aware of your strengths, growth areas, and personality style. People who are clueless about themselves are likely to engage in self-sabotaging behavior such as not recognizing how their behavior is affecting others or not getting help in areas that are clear weaknesses. Know yourself so you can grow yourself. Self-knowledge is critical for self-development.

2. Vision and purpose. If you are not clear about what you are trying to do, it will be impossible to get others excited about it. It is not a good idea to focus on fluff without substance. The substance is the detailed vision, plan, and goal. A leader without a mission will not be a leader for long. Clarity is necessary for effective leadership.

3. Commitment. Leaders don’t quit. When things get tough, leaders rise to the occasion. People will place their trust in those who do not easily lose faith or perspective. If you continuously start things but never finish you will develop a reputation for being flaky and people will not trust your vision or your leadership. Perseverance is a fundamental quality for good leaders.

4. Respectful. People respond based on how they are treated. If you are gifted with the opportunity to lead do not adopt a demeaning, arrogant, or condescending attitude. Confidence is not the same as operating with a sense of entitlement. Talk to people with respect. Consider people’s ideas and feelings respectful. Carry yourself with respect. Have enough respect for the project that you won’t let ego get in the way of accomplishing the goal. Strength and humility can co-exist and it is vital that you nurture both qualities.

5. Team work. Team work makes the dream work. If you don’t learn to delegate and share the load you will end up doing everything by yourself. A lone ranger may become a successful person but that is not leadership. Determine the strengths of those around you and then create space for people to shine, grow, and thrive. When the team does well everyone wins. A leader who cannot let go of any aspect of the project will drain the enthusiasm from the group and make everyone overly dependent on the leader to the point that failure is only a matter of time.

Learn from the good and bad examples of leadership you have seen. Commit to a spirit of excellence by being open to continual learning. Great leadership is not a destination but a journey. Take steps each day in the direction of your dreams.

Dr. Thema talking about Trauma Recovery and "For Colored Girls"

Listen to internet radio with Chocolate Pages on Blog Talk Radio